Monday, May 23, 1994
I am a selfish, self-centered bitch. I wish I had been in the plane crash. I wish something would happen to ME. I am like a sponge for attention. I hate it. I just want a hug.
(My step father was the pilot in a plane crash the day before, with my sister and the neighbour's little boy on board. Engine failure on take off, they had only just cleared the trees before coming back down. Everyone was banged and bruised and a few stitches were needed, but all was fine, thankfully.)
Mom was talking with M's mom on Saturday. Of course they were talking about me & M. His mom said something along the lines of "M doesn't want a 'heavy, serious' girlfriend, he's not into hugging & kissing & that." Well, I am.
I wish M would loosen up a bit. See. I'm a selfish bitch.
M got his beginners license on Friday. I haven't talked to him since Thursday night. K & C came down for the weekend. They left today. I got my prom dress - long, black, lacey stuff. $72.75! It's gorgouse! Anyway, I dunno if me & M are gonna go. I don't want to lose him, but I'm still being selfish. I want a boyfriend I can talk to and not be shy or embarassed with. That's not M. I want someone to hold me a lot. (Basically. someone who reads minds & knows what I want before I do.)
**Sing it sister! Isn't this what every woman wants? Scary to see I figured that out at 15.
If I break up with M, I'll regret it, I know. I'll miss him telling me he loves me & his kisses & the times he does hold me. I'm in a no win situation. I hate it. At present, (hold up - at present???! Who says that?) it feels like I don't have a boyfriend. I wish M would come over. I wish I could see him. He was supposed to come over onFriday. But he said he couldn't. (He worked in his basement & got his beginners & his tuxedo/suit for the prom.)
He was going on about how he wanted to see me so much & all that, then he said he couldn't come. He didn't call me last night. I suppose I cold have called him. I really shoulda... but the eternal idiot strikes yet once more!
Why is my life such a mess? Why am I such a terrible person? Shit it all. I need some excitement. I wanna smoke but I don't want to get addicted. I wanna drink bbut there's no way. Me (& K & C) tried to open a bottle of homemade wine Fri nights, but it exploded! The wine sprayed all over the walls of the pantry! We had to keep Jennie out so she wouldn't tell. I scrubed down the walls & sprayed perfume all around the room!
Anyway, see ya.
~"The Eternal Idiot"