I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!
Sunday, February 19, 1994
M came up yesterday. We went for a long walk up the Perry Road. First we went down by the river. We were throwing snow in (almost threw Jennie in, too!) The we walked W-A-Y up the Perry Road, past our house. We saw a deer. It was really neat because right before we saw it, M said he wished he could see one!
Jennie was with us for the whole walk (2 hrs). So me & M didn't kiss. We held hands, though.We came back home and mom made us make (ok-ok, help with making) supper. After supper, we played Josh's nintendo. Then his parents came. We kissed g'bye right in my room. It was great! (The kiss, I mean!) It was the longest one yet. I felt weak all over. I wish we'd kiss more. Now doesn't that sound dumb!! I could change when we kiss. (If I have enough nerve!!)
He kisses really good. I remember the first time he came over and we went for a walk. We were either just about to kiss or had broken away for a second. He said he didn't kiss too good. I didn't answer him. I probably should have. What if he thinks I agree? I most defanitly do not agree!!!
(Note - I still have trouble spelling 'definitely'... had to spell check it for this entry, in fact!)
I could probably kiss him forever. That would be a dream come true! I wonder if we'll do anything other than kiss? I can't really imagine us... well, touching & stuff. I read about it in books & see it on TV, but I still can't imagine it actually being reality. I'd probably freak & freeze up if we started anything... then most likely I'd of blown my chance.
I suppose I better be going.