Friday, July 29, 2011

Eternal Idiot

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

 Monday, May 23, 1994 

I am a selfish, self-centered bitch. I wish I had been in the plane crash. I wish something would happen to ME. I am like a sponge for attention. I hate it. I just want a hug.

(My step father was the pilot in a plane crash the day before, with my sister and the neighbour's little boy on board. Engine failure on take off, they had only just cleared the trees before coming back down. Everyone was banged and bruised and a few stitches were needed, but all was fine, thankfully.)

Mom was talking with M's mom on Saturday. Of course they were talking about me & M. His mom said something along the lines of "M doesn't want a 'heavy, serious' girlfriend, he's not into hugging & kissing & that." Well, I am.

I wish M would loosen up a bit. See. I'm a selfish bitch.

M got his beginners license on Friday. I haven't talked to him since Thursday night. K & C came down for the weekend. They left today. I got my prom dress - long, black, lacey stuff. $72.75! It's gorgouse! Anyway, I dunno if me & M are gonna go. I don't want to lose him, but I'm still being selfish. I want a boyfriend I can talk to and not be shy or embarassed with. That's not M. I want someone to hold me a lot. (Basically. someone who reads minds & knows what I want before I do.)

**Sing it sister! Isn't this what every woman wants? Scary to see I figured that out at 15.

If I break up with M, I'll regret it, I know. I'll miss him telling me he loves me & his kisses & the times he does hold me. I'm in a no win situation. I hate it. At present, (hold up - at present???! Who says that?)  it feels like I don't have a boyfriend. I wish M would come over. I wish I could see him. He was supposed to come over onFriday. But he said he couldn't. (He worked in his basement & got his beginners & his tuxedo/suit for the prom.)

He was going on about how he wanted to see me so much & all that, then he said he couldn't come. He didn't call me last night. I suppose I cold have called him. I really shoulda... but the eternal idiot strikes yet once more!

Why is my life such a mess? Why am I such a terrible person? Shit it all. I need some excitement. I wanna smoke but I don't want to get addicted. I wanna drink bbut there's no way. Me (& K & C) tried to open a bottle of homemade wine Fri nights, but it exploded! The wine sprayed all over the walls of the pantry! We had to keep Jennie out so she wouldn't tell. I scrubed down the walls & sprayed perfume all around the room!

Anyway, see ya.
~"The Eternal Idiot"


Elizabeth-Flourish in Progress said...

This has totally made me want to dig out my old journals from my teen years. I'm just glad we made it through those angst ridden times!

Rainyday said...

So true! Some of the entries make me think it's a wonder we made it out at all!

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