Meat is cruel

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!


**Ok, so I was going to post about the full day I spent with M and his family, but in re-reading it, I nearly fell asleep. It was soooooo boring! I carefully detailed every minute of the day, where we went (to visit his grandparents, and their house was swarming with cousins and aunts) and what we ate (sandwiches, donuts, licorice, Reece's Pieces, chips and tea), what we did (some kissing and 'I love yous' and also, H curled her bangs)... So I won't post in it's entirety, but there were a couple of interesting bits...

Sunday, March 6, 1994

DD,

...

I stayed at the house with his aunt and his grandmother. I didn't know what to say so I stayed in the living room staring into space! When M got back, he made himself lunch (I didn't want any, mainly 'cause  I wasn't hungry, but partly 'cause I don't eat meat. This is since Thursday, when there were 6 deer under my bedroom window eating out of the garden & John (stepfather) wanted to shoot them. I've decided it's too cruel to eat meat.)

***I didn't eat any red meat - I ate some chicken and fish - for the next 7 years. Whenever I'd have a taste of steak or a burger or something, I'd feel sick to my stomach. It was only when Jay and I started dating that I came around again. I barely researched it. I know I wasn't fully vegetarian, but no red meat for most of my teen years was a big factor in my anemia back then!!
...


Then we ate supper. We had pizza and it was loaded with meat. I picked it off & left it in a pile. I was too embarrassed to tell them I don't eat meat!!

**I remember he asked me about it later, said his parents were wondering if I didn't like the food, that I should have said something because it was a waste and I could have had something else. 

Tuesday, March 29, 1994

DD,

I'm in the tub right now. I just got back from the movies... me & M saw "Grumpy Old Men". It was hilarious. The only major disappointment, was that me & M didn't kiss, hold hands or ANYTHING! He chose where we sat & it was smack in the middle of the cinema!! (At this point I knew nothing was gonna happen.)

Anyway, my water is getting cold.

Lovies, 

Rainy

Thursday, April 21, 1994

DD,

Me & M have been going out for 6 months and 1 week. He came over yesterday. 

My life is a mess. I've been between depressions so often now. I started crying on the phone with R the other night. 

I am such a mean, selfish person!! I really don't like myself. I'm trying to change.

Love, Rainy