Thursday, May 28, 2009

10 months

Where does the time go? 10 months ago, I was in labour, on my way to the hospital already dilated to 7 cm. That was one long car ride, even though it was probably less than 10 minutes. I remember the car ride while in labour with Elliot: I only had a few contractions. With Felix, I was contacting every 2-3 minutes. Very intense.

I look at my baby boy now and can't believe the changes. I still think of him as a baby. Well, yes he is still a baby, but he's also crawling and pulling up to a stand on anything he can. He will giggle and squirm away as fast as he can if you call out "What are you doing?" in a sing-song voice as he inspects something he shouldn't.

He's so mischievous. Especially when he thinks he's getting away with something. He was chewing on a phone cord while I was in an appointment yesterday. Everytime, I would say "ta-ta" and he'd take it out. After a while, he'd put it in his mouth and whip around to look at me, and he'd grin.

He said Dada today. Very clearly. I stopped, frozen. Thinking "Who said that? That wasn't Elliot's voice!" And so he's been babbling dada and shrieking it all day long. Ask him to say 'mama' and he'll whisper back 'dada'. Little stinker. But I love him dearly.

I'm on day 3 of my new diet. Finding the sugar/chocolate cravings a bit easier to deal with, but they've been especially challenging today. Decided not to wean from the antidepressant just yet. After enduring 2 nights of withdrawal symptoms in the form of shakes and nausea, I just don't want to deal with that now. I'll try again in a few more weeks. And that time, I'll do it differently - break open the capsule and remove part of the medication, so I take a smaller dose each day over a 6-8 week period.

We'll see.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Monday, May 25, 2009

Day in the park

We went to see a specialist about Felix's hemangioma today. Feel much better since the doctor confirmed we've been handling the bleeds correctly: applying pressure, putting cream on to moisturize the skin/loosen any scabs. He likened the hemangioma to a honeycomb. It's full of blood vessels, but there are also blood pockets - when he scrapes it, the pocket that's been hit will well up alarmingly, but should stop bleeding quickly. There's no pulse to the spot, which means it doesn't have a steady supply of blood being pumped through it, so that means he shouldn't bleed out in the night.

After the appointment, we went for a walk in the public gardens. Felix was in a good mood, so I got a coffee and we stopped at a bench while I read my book and fed him little bits of cracker. Then I changed his diaper on a bench, letting the sunshine and warm breeze hit his skin for a bit while he looked at the big purple flowering shrub behind us.

Got some groceries on the way home, had a nap, did a few dishes and made supper. Then went to pick up Elliot from daycare. A nice, full day.

Tomorrow has us going back to the clinic at the hospital to see a different specialist about Felix's persistently infected ingrown toenails. Which are currently healed and the nails are falling off. I hope this means we've reached the end of the infections and pain for him. Hopefully that's what the surgeon will tell us, too. I feel silly for going, but I know if I don't, the infection will come back twice as bad next week!

Will have both boys with me tomorrow. That could be a gong show! Planning to take the double jogging stroller I bought before I was pregnant with Felix. It's been in storage for a loooong time. We dig it out a few days ago and had to replace one of the tubes in the tire - there was a shard of metal that punctured the new tube over and over. It's all good now, and I can't wait to get them both out in it!

Sunday, May 24, 2009


So it appears that I am self-weaning off my meds. I forgot to get the prescription refilled yesterday and didn't take my pill last night. (Ok, so I didn't forget - I just didn't make the time to go.) So I decided to do a slow wean - take the pills every other day for 2-4 weeks, then every 3 days, then once a week, then stop.

Today was ok - I was emotional and weepy but it was mostly under control. Stocked up on wine to tide me over... maybe it's not the best decision, but I also decided to start a diet tomorrow. I'm tired of being asked if I'm expecting again already.

This self-weaning isn't exactly against my dr's orders - she did say that after 6 months on the meds, I could try stopping, and doing it slowly like I plan to. It's been almost 8 months since I started, so now is a good time, I guess.

Hmmm... that half a pineapple rum cooler I just finished is hitting me a bit hard. I also took my pill tonight - wonder if there's a correlation? I think I may be fighting something off, too, I've been rather woozy/dizzy all day. Fun times!

In other news, we received a hand-me-down organ tonight. No, not a kidney or liver. An actual musical instrument. It sounds like it's about to take flight - or perhaps warm up my coffee - when it starts up. Elliot loves it.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Tiny babies & mama confessions

Spent the day organizing and cleaning and sorting. It felt good. Brought a new freshness to the house. Jay dismantled the playpen and put it away. We packed up some old baby toys and brought some other ones out of storage. Moved a large chest away from in front of the TV stand and moved the kid's book collection to the shelves under the TV. Makes me nervous the way it wobbles, but Jay says he'll brace it up so it's secure.

Felix had 2 very short naps. The first was in his crib. The second was in the Ergo while I went out. I tried to get him down in his crib, but he's perfected pulling himself up to standing and will hang onto the rail, smiling around his soother and looking so proud of himself, and sleep is out of the question. So, popped him in the carrier and off we went.

Stopped at Local Jo's for some much needed coffee and cookies, then headed over to an open house meet & greet for a friend's 10 day old baby boy. He was born 3 weeks early and was soooo tiny and perfect! He was 5 lbs 13 oz at birth and just fits into the crook of her arm. Has a head of dark hair, too. By comparison, Felix was a giant strapped to my chest and I joked that he could probably eat the baby. (Who slept the whole time - Felix woke up at his customary 30 minute mark.)

And yes, seeing such a new little baby made me want another one. Jay and I have pretty much decided we're done having babies, and while it makes sense on so many levels, it's sad to think/know we are done. But then again, our babies are born looking like 3 month old kidlets already - no tiny ones for us.

Just finished a really good book tonight. "It Sucked and Then I Cried" - an inside look at mothering with post partum depression. It was so refreshing to read! And funny - I laughed out loud several times. The author, Heather Armstrong, really has a way with words. Many of the situations/thoughts she described are exact things that I would have said or done. A few times I had to check to make sure I wasn't the author.

I thought up a few plot points for a mystery novel the other day. As I was walking the boys through the Public Gardens and looking at the raised-but-as-yet-unplanted flower beds, I started thinking about conspiracies and buried bodies and serial killers. Made a list in my head of city officials to contact for research purposes. Disproved a few plot points.

I love how the ideas are starting to swirl again.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Poetry and motion

There's nothing quite as terrifying as seeing your child's face covered in blood. And blood caked in eyelashes is really tricky to clean, especially since babies rarely cooperate.

Felix rubbed his hemangioma against the mesh side of the playpen again. It bled. It's the 5th time it's bled, the 4th time in the damn playpen, ad the second major bleed. The first major bleed happened when he scraped the scab from the first bleed off on a wicker basket. The other scrapes he's had in the playpen were tiny - a few drops of blood, enough to put a small stain on his bib and crust up on his head. Nothing major.

This time, there were no scabs. I put him in the playpen to keep him out of Elliot's way while I went to the bathroom. Jay was folding laundry a few feet away. I had barely sat down when Jay bellowed "Jesus Christ!" Quickly followed by "Honey, get down here." I managed to get my jeans up and buttoned by time I hit the bottom of the steps. Felix's whole face was red. His hands were red. Jay had a cloth pressed to the hemangioma and I knew that's where the blood was coming from, but it was terrifying. Together we got wet cloths and applied pressure and got him into a sitting position to still the flow. It stopped quickly, but left a mess in it's wake. Elliot continued to play with cars at our feet, oblivious to the chaos.

The playpen will be dismantled this weekend. He's not going back in it.

We are meeting with a specialist next week to discuss possible treatment options. Since it's on his forehead and not interfering with his sight or anything else, removal would be considered cosmetic. But since he bumps/scrapes it frequently and it bleeds copiously, someone needs to look at it and make sure he's not going to bleed to death or have scars from it all.

Up until then, we'd had a pretty fun day. Went to the Fun Zone to celebrate Elliot's friend's 3rd birthday. It's a tall structure, completely enclosed and padded. There's a ball bit, lengthy slides, tunnels, monkey bars... Elliot slept through the first 30 minutes of the party and then had the blind staggers for the next little bit, but by the end, he was having a blast. The ball pit was a huge hit - he would climb up the side and launch himself bodily down into the pile. He couldn't figure out how to climb each level in the mesh stairs case - each level was about 2 feet high with a hole cut in the floor. Jay or I had to snake in their with him and push him up each level and then snake ourselves back down. By time we had to leave, of course he'd found a way to dig his toes in and could do it on his own...

Felix had a great time on the floor mats. The area is enclosed and there were toys for the little ones to play with. Felix practiced pulling himself to standing.

I found a few minutes to dig up some old poetry tonight to see if it would spark anything new in me. I haven't written since high school. These are some of my favorite pieces - it feels good to dust them off and bring them out of storage:


filter me a love song

thru strands of hair and bone

make it make my dreams come true

and all my pieces whole

shelter me from danger

while pilfering my soul

chase away the thoughts of you

and then come back for more

fill me with emotions

watch them writhe and grow

take away my love from me

and follow where it goes

filter me a love song

seep it thru the ground

sweeten my dreams with webs of fire

then watch them burn me down


can i be your salt peter
an acid sharp explosion
rocking sense into your world
thru the morning can i play
in your sandbox building castles
so you can knock them down
with your size 9 shoe
can i wander naked in your veins
when i want to
causing the pain you crave when i am there
and i'll be the dust in your eye-
stinging you blind to my beauty
-the infection on your palm
making you itch to move [me]
you wound me with your words
and so will i
so surround me with your ignorance
and i'll try
to turn you blue
from lack of air


hey you sitting on the edge of tomorrow
flatten your palm to my face and feel the breath of sorrow rushing
by. yeah, and like the iridescent snow drops that kiss your
fragrant skin and make you burst open to fill the gap with your
pristine face and greasy hands, you took the blue from the night
and smeared it on your name with smatterings of forever.
yeah, you set a match to yesterday and sat, curled on the edge of
tomorrow warming your sorrow on the flames. and it was here and
there and everywhere and the smell sent me to the edge of madness.
and you're the rose clenched between the teeth of tomorrow, with
your salty breath and chapped raw skin, on your cloud you lay
reaching the stars with your inch of my love.
and i stare into your eyes, into you, and i see the pain smeared
thru the strands of your hair, and you, like the picture of
innocence tattooed on your body, will fade away into tomorrow.
yeah, like sunshine on water, you turn me away from the edge, so i
may breathe again.

Quarantined angel

i'm drowning in your insulin-
a pinpoint in your panoramic view...
you climb the cliffs of forever
and disappear over their edge.

and once you've learned every trick,
every nuance, every shadow
and you've discovered every secret...
with your soul on fire
burning straps into your shoulders,
you still won't let me in.

rambling angel with one eye closed;
shut yourself away up on the shelf
behind the tin soldiers
and the thread-worn teddy bear
where you think i can't find you.
yeah, you make me feel so small
with the layers of confusion you pile on my head
and you say i blow your mind.

but when all is said and done,
when the scroll is viewed in
microscopic detail, dusted for fingerprints,
you're still on the shelf with the broken top
and the jack-in-the-box.

and you say you'd rather
gather flowers in the rain.

Friday, May 15, 2009


I need some structure to my life. Some creativity. I need to get back into writing. Into living. Into doing something that doesn't involve changing diapers and having children strapped to me or screaming at me or running circles around me. I love my boys, but they need a sane mama, and I'm not-so-slowly and very surely heading down the road to a Very Bad Place.

So I turn to Blogging. I haven't kept a diary since I was a teenager. I still have the last diary I wrote. I labeled it "Bedtime Stories" and kept it on my bookshelf. It's one of those flimsy lock & key styles, white with a winter scene on the front. What did I write in there? What was so important? I read Jay a passage from it when I was pregnant. Some rant from when I was under 18 where I'd spent pages writing about how I wanted a baby. Someone to love and who would love me back, I think were the exact words I used. Jay found it frightening and amusing that I wanted a baby for so long. That I put it into my diary.

Then I had that baby. Granted, it took nearly 10 years before actually making that baby. I never said I was a stupid teenager! I loved being pregnant with Elliot. Loved my big belly. For the first time in my life, I loved how I looked, how I felt. It was nothing short of magical. Even towards the end, when I was full of aches and pains and wasn't sleeping well and was so cranky... I loved it.

Imagine my surprise when I was pregnant with Felix and it didn't feel as wonderful. Everything hurt sooner. I was sicker. Jay went away for the whole first trimester so I was parenting a toddler by myself, sick as a dog. I showed early. Stayed sick well into the second trimester. Ended up back at work because Jay had been laid off, worked my butt off and then landed in the hospital at 30 weeks when my water broke. Ended up on bed rest for the duration of the pregnancy. (And, oh yes, he was 10 days overdue!) I was miserable. But I still had a fondness for my big baby belly. I miss it.

Where was I?

Oh yes. Structure. Creativity. Life.

I spend my days chasing the boys around. Spending waaaay too much time in front of the computer messing around, losing patience with the kids and dreading nap time. It's a battle to get them both down for a nap. Nevermind both - it's getting one down while the other is still awake and shrieking in the next room. I. Hate. It.

No wonder I drink. And suck chocolate into my body like oxygen. I seriously don't even taste the stuff anymore. Stupid addictive personality.

Today, I polished off a 100g Organic Milk Chocolate & Almond bar in nanoseconds while preparing supper. And still craved more. I'm forcing myself to sip my "the boys are in bed - end of day" celebratory wine so that it can last, but I want to guzzle it like the chocolate.

I'm hoping words can soothe me. That if I write long enough I can make sense of everything and find some peace and balance again. That maybe I can wean myself off the antidepressants that I need to be a sane & happy & non-yelling mama. (And yes, I know I shouldn't be drinking while on meds, but it's one glass, so there.)

Well, it's a start. A jumbled, convoluted mess of words, but it's a start.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...