Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!

Ok, yes, this entry is late. But it coincides perfectly with Father's Day! I wanted to post a Facebook tribute to my dad, who lives 3 hours away and we rarely see each other. So I dug out some old pictures and hubby sweetly scanned them for me. (Yep, I put him to work on Daddy's Day!) Here are a few gems...

Lookit me, all new and fresh and he's so young and all!
I'm about 3. Mom was close to popping out my brother.
My and I are 15 months apart. Eep!
Ok, now on with the show.... but one more picture. See those smiling kiddos... here's how they looked in 1993, around the time of the diary posts. I just love how it looks like I've got a gigantic head. And  such bad skin. Stupid shadows. Stupid leaning over the chair! But my, don't we have nice smiles?!

Sunday, February 13, 1994


I haven't talked to M since Wed. Night. I went to R's & Dad's. I was supposed (sorta) to have called him... but I chickened out. What if his dad answered and I started talking to him thinking it was M? That would be totally humiliating. I did that with R and her mom once! That's the only reason I don't like called him. How am I supposed to tell him that? What happens tonight if he calls and asks why I didn't call?I can't lie to him. But I doubt he'd  understand that I'm "scared". He'd probably think I was such an idiot!! 

I really do love him... as much as any 15 year old can love someone & call it love. But I don't see any way me & him can have a good relationship if we don't talk about things like that... about our feelings. I know we're both very capable of talking seriously. We have before.  He says he likes to talk about that stuff. I do too.

He usually brings up stuff like that. I can't. I don't know how to start or what to say. Geez. I can't even write what kind of "that stuff" in my diary. I'm pitiful. Anyway, I told myself I'd call M at 8:30. It's now 8:20. I'm praying he'll call me. I really doubt he will. I can tell he's starting to think something's up because I always find an excuse not to call him. I hope he doesn't think it's because I don't like him anymore. I do like him. I love him. A lot. I'm wrecking things again. I know it. How do I always manage to screw up something important? Why am I so chicken? I hate this. It's wrecking my life!!

Well, I've got 7 minutes. Please call. Please. I don't know why I'm this chicken!

Big deal if his father answers. I've called there a few other times when his dad has answered. I can normally tell them apart. Why am I being so dumb? What's the real reason? I wish to god I knew. With my luck, I'm probably risking losing M. If he thinks something's up & I don't love him anymore, he'll most likely dump me. Maybe I'll let him read this entry. I can't tell him. I doubt I'll even be able to let myself show him this.

What's wrong with me?

Well. One minute.

I'll call.

Love, Rainy

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