My dear internets...

It's been far to long since I sat down and wrote you properly. October really hit me hard. Left me battle-scarred, a bit limpy, but intact. Considering that we're now in December, it's about time I made it through.

I've always battled mood swings, dark times when the sun goes away. But it's never truly interfered with my life - I could always make myself get up, get dressed, put on a happy face and keep my shit together. Until this year. There were a record number of down days, culminating in several where I simply couldn't push myself to pretend anymore. There were lots of tears and much anger.

I drank a lot. Ate way too much. Gained 10 pounds. Saw my therapist. Saw my doctor. Saw my naturopathic doctor. Got a haircut. By-passed the anti-depressants for a regime of vitamins and supplements. And you know what? I'm on day 15 of a mostly good mood. Energy is wavering now, but that first week? I was on fire! I won't entertain the idea that this is just a new face for mania. I. Will. Win. This. Round.

Today we took the boys to a small pond with nature trails in the middle of a rocky forest. We ran. Sailed stick boats down a brook. Laughed. And it was nice. It's been a long time coming.

Thank you for sailing with me.

Lots of love,

Rainy

On communes... yay or nay?

I miss having friends.

Oh, let me clarify. I have friends. Good friends. But it often feels that I don't. But I do. Get it?

In the last months of my pregnancy with Elliot, I met and became close with another first-time mama. We really hit it off. Em was funny and raunchy and real. We talked about everything, for hours. Her daughter was 6 weeks older than Elliot. She would drop her husband off at work and come over. We'd drink coffee and moan about sleepless nights, poop and breastfeeding woes. Encourage each other. Share triumphs. The kids would lay on the floor and coo. (As Elliot got older and stronger, he'd drag himself over to her, crawl on top and suck her face. She'd cry. We'd laugh and separate them. And repeat.)

We went to mommy and me yoga. Mommy and me swimming. Mommy and me movies. We were always on the go. We both were struggling with postpartum depression. There was always an understanding adult with a shoulder to lean on and tears and laughter to share. We'd move on to wine and cheese in the middle of the day, especially if her husband kept the car and would be picking her up. We went on a week-long trip with the kids, too, on an airplane, even!

After Elliot's first plane ride... 5 mths old

She went back to work at the 1-year mark. All of my other mommy friends did, too. I found myself alone and floundering. So I went back to work, pregnant. In the last stages of Felix's pregnancy, my close friend moved away. I cried. And, though we're still in touch, neither of us really has time for long-distance relationships. The internetz help, but it's not the same as face-to-face.

While pregnant with Felix, I met another mama my age, who was also expecting her second. Her daughter was a bit younger than Elliot. They lived close by. We started hanging out at a local kid-friendly coffee shop. At the playground. Her place. My place. We would gab, the kids would wrestle and play. When my boys got chicken pox, she brought her girls over for one of those controversial Pox Parties. I learned a lot about parenting from her - she was much calmer than me, more dedicated (her kids barely knew what TV was!), they were mostly vegetarian. Very environmentally conscious. They were Good People. I felt I could become a better person, a better friend, by being so close. My identity changed to parallel hers.

Overview of a pox party

Again, there was a move. I still get misty walking by their house. And again, that long-distance thing. I suck.

I have friendship. But what I'm missing could better be described as companionship. Accomplice-ship. Just having another grown up around, all the time or at least frequently, to take the pressure off, to talk with, commiserate and share with. I've withdrawn into myself, into the internet way more than I had previously. While never an extrovert, I'm now bordering on hermit. And I don't feel like exerting the energy needed to make new friends or make the effort with the friends I do have. Going back to school? Terrifies me. There are new people there. I have to make connections. Talk to people. But I'm doing it. Probably the best thing I can do for myself, actually.

Tasty, though inappropriate given this article.

I'm in and out of bad head spaces lately, though I am getting better at recognizing the signs so I'm not blindsided. Still, the thought of joining a commune or cult or becoming a sister wife remains very, very appealing. I wish my sister lived closer. I wish I wasn't so damned dependent on others. I need to snap out of this. I need to get back on the treadmill, literally and figuratively. But wahhhhhhhhh. I don't wanna. I'm too cozy in my little hole. My sister would say, "Suck it up, Buttercup!"

Though maybe it's time to explore the goat-farming commune my friend Kelly seems to have put an awful lot of thought into. She wants to make and sell soap, be self-sustaining on our farm, with the whole village-to-raise-a-child philosophy. Sounds like heaven to me. Where do I sign up?

Then again, maybe I'm just lazy and looking for excuses, and easy way out of trials and tribulation of parenting, life, dishes and growing up. Whatever it is, I need to figure it out.  

Eight down

One week left before summer vacation is over.

"The days are long and the years are short." Is a quote from Tina Fey's Bossypants (go read it, highly enjoyable!) It's attributed back to stay at home parents and sex trade workers. And it's very true.

What did we do this week? It's passed in a blur. I have to refer back to Facebook and my iPhoto to piece it all together.

It seems that Monday was an emotional and adventure filled day.

And Tuesday, well we hung around the house in the morning and then took the car to be serviced in the afternoon. Found a playground, essentially in the projects on the other side of the harbour. The boys loved it! I was anxious with the rougher crowd passing through and milling around, but that's just me being hyper-vigilant, as I'm wont to do. Felix did give me a scare, when I'd turned back from putting the camera away and saw him dangling from the climbing structure, his bare toes still a good 4 feet from the ground. He was having fun practicing 'gymnastics'.

Wednesday morning, Felix had a discouraging visit at the allergy clinic. We've been told to feed him whatever he wants. If his eczema flares, just treat it. Keep his body hydrated and his skin moisturized. That the family history, list of symptoms and random reactions don't indicate an allergy. Which is great news! But still leaves us back at the beginning. We're doing an egg challenge. So far, no reaction. Which means we have no idea what caused the full body rash, twice.

I promised the boys a new playground after the appointment, so we headed to a new-to-them one on the way home, chatting it up and building anticipation the whole way there. Well, that was disappointing.

They were only working on the border, not the equipment. But wouldn't let the boys play. Tears ensued.

So we went home, packed a picnic and headed to the lake. I braved it by myself but won't do that again soon, despite really wanting to go back! Felix is fearless in the water and Elliot is a limpet. They both had lifejackets, but needed an adult beside them, always. And then there was the whining. And the perma-injury mode Felix seemed to be stuck in, falling off the play structure twice and then skinning his elbow in the parking lot.

Thursday the sitter came. I sat in a cafe with goodies and free wifi then went shopping and met with the Registrar to discuss my school schedule.

Friday it was supposed to rain. Precursor to hurricane Irene, who was making her way up the coast. We watched TV, everyone on edge, then I tossed them in the car and we ran errands. It was stinky humid and then the sun came out, so we stopped at a playground on the way home. Felix was adamant that I watch his baby while he played.

Mmmmmm, Baby Banana Bread

Saturday afternoon we packed up and headed to a provincial park for family swimming. The boys fell asleep on the way there so we hung out in the parking lot for a while. Afterwards, we went for supper at Boston Pizza, where we tried to help a little girl who'd gone to the bathroom only to return to a table minus her family. Poor thing. Turned out well, but tense for a while. That night, a painting that's been on the wall for 8 years at the top of our stairs crashed down, setting off the security alarm. In the ensuing panic, while hubby and I shot out of bed, still asleep, I caught an elbow to the eye and now have a shiner. Delightful!

"Born to be alive!"

Felix swam out to the 100 meter mark. Parented.

Yesterday, Irene limped past. She was reported to be a good 558 miles off shore, so we got a smattering of rain and a bunch of wind. Would have been pleasant if not for the pressing humidity.

No idea what this week brings. We're all winding down, energy is dwindling and patience is wearing thin all around. But I should plan at least one more weekday adventure. And it's a long weekend coming up - and our anniversary - so we should think about that, too.

Missed every little detail of our summer vacation so far? Well catch up, already! Weeks 1, 2, 3, 4. 5, 6 and 7.

Six down.

Seriously?? There's only 3 weeks left? Wow. I guess I should get the back to school shopping down. September 6th is going to be a momentous day: Elliot's first day, Felix's first day of preschool, and my first day back at college. Wowza. Gonna be a lot of photos snapped at the end of the driveway!

Ok, looking back over this week...

Monday it was raining. I set up an art studio, we painted the boys' feet red, stamped them onto little canvases and turned them into firetrucks. I stole this idea from a highly creative friend, who did a much better job on her firetrucks, but whatever. The boys loved it. Then they spent half an hour making their own artsy paint creations. I had to mop the floor when they were done.

We moved on to a photo studio. I tried to get them to take serious photos first, since it's been 2 years since we've gotten portrait studio quality pics done. (For a good reason. It's hard to get these yahoos to cooperate!) Then I broke out the props. The feather boa was a huge hit. Too bad it was ancient and disintegrated all over the floor. There are still tiny purple wisps everywhere.

Serious = Angry? Petulant?

And cue the drama.

Tuesday it was overcast and we had a freaking awesome day. Full of appointments and adventure, and the boys listened and behaved. I was floored. Still am.

Wednesday, the sitter came. Hooooray! I saw my doctor, got the good news that my thyroid and iron levels are stable. Which is a big YAY! More rain, so when I got home, we watched more TV. I like TV. they like TV. Win/win, right?

Thursday we went downtown watch some of the Buskers Festival. My mom arrived and wanted to take the boys without me, but I didn't think that was wise (turns out I was totally right, they were wild and fearsome hooligans, not big on listening. But it was an unplanned trip over their lunch and nap time, so I guess things went as well as could be expected.) I have my doubts my mother would have been able to handle things. Probably would have come back short a child. Despite the crazy, it was fun. We started out at the Market, where Elliot had to be reminded every quarter second to get his hands off the tables. Felix tried to make off with a handful of fresh, tempting blueberries. Of course, after my admonishment to not. eat. anything. the shop keeper handed him some free berries. So much for that life lesson.

We then walked along the boardwalk, where I tried desperately to keep the boys from tipping into the harbour. They were determined and creative creatures. A man was playing guitar on one of the benches and the boys entertained us all by putting on a dance show. I tossed some money in his hat and then watched as he paid it back out to the boys at the end of their performance. He congratulated them on becoming buskers! We fought the crowds to the playground and then moved over to one of the stage areas. We had front row seats for an acrobatic show, which highly entertained the boys. They screamed like banshees when it was time to leave. But no one had napped and it was coming up on melting point. Still, no one napped when we got home, either. Stinkers. We watched Cars. Again.

Friday we packed up and headed to a playground on the other side of town. The skies cleared and the sun came out and we found ourselves completely unprepared for the heat - and the splash pad! They played, we ate, they played in the water, they got changed and played in the sandbox (Felix spent 2 hours in there!)

And then... holy crap, let's talk about crap.

Elliot crabbed walked over from the far end of the fenced off playground and announced he had to poop. Ok. No biggie. I had the potty.  We hustled over to a quiet corner. He did his business, I dug a hole in preparation of disposal. Then I re-thought. Kids are all over this place. So are pets. I just couldn't risk someone finding it, no matter how out of the way I put it. Plus, that's just gross and smelly and unsanitary. The garbage can was over by the sandbox, along with a huge group of kids and parents. I didn't dare walk over, reeking potty in hand. I needed something to seal it up. Hide it. Ugh. There were empty sandwich containers in the stroller. I'll spare you the details, but *gag* *barf* *eeeeew* I'm sorry, maintenance workers. At least there was a bag lining the can.

The kids are still talking about that playground and we're planning a return trip. Maybe. I'm still a little poo traumatized. Why does Elliot always manage to do this to me?

The weekend was quiet, hubby's been working on a project in the basement, so I've been boy wrangling a bit more than I'd like to be. We've been trading off - he'll hang with them for a few hours in the morning, I'll take them until bath time, we both put them to bed. Today I took them to a birthday party. It was girl-centric, a princess theme. But they loved it. They were tattooed,  mustachioed and lacquered on fingers and toes (red for Elliot, of course, and pink & red for Felix)... and had to be talked out of going to bed in their knight suits.

I've been stocking up on rainy day things to do with the boys - gift cards to coffee shops with play areas and the like. As much as I they love sitting in front of the TV, we can't keep doing it to the tune of 4+ hours a day. That's just crazy talk! So we'll see what this week brings. Hopefully some sun. But if there's rain, I might will be prepared. Stay tuned!

Missed every little detail of our summer vacation so far? Well catch up, already! Weeks 1, 2, 3, 4. and 5.

Hidden, Rainy Children

Not MY backyard...

 It's been raining for a month here. I think the weather network said we have had 70 mm of rain in the last week alone. We wake up feeling damp and go to bed clammy. Everyone is cold, cranky and stir crazy. It's not letting up until maybe Thursday when we have only a 20% chance of precipitation - then right back to rain the next day. So the weeds have been flourishing. I have a backyard full of mud and dandelions. Oh, and goutweed. the SARS of weeds. It kills everything and can grow everywhere. Such fun.

One highlight in an otherwise wet and gray string of days was my mom's wedding. It was cloudy and dark and foggy, but it didn't rain - hurray! I left the boys overnight and spent time shuttling family back and forth, running errands, making sandwiches, fixing dresses, kept awake by snoring, drinking wine and champagne, buying more wine and champagne (since I'd left my bottle of Pol Roger NV - the Royal Wedding Champagne in my fridge 45 minutes away, whoops) and eating every manner of foods not on my current diet plan. The morning of the wedding, after some relaxing, girl time, and a mimosa, I drove back into the city to pick up my family, dropped everyone off at the sailing club where the ceremony was to take place, hopped in the groom's car and made a mad dash 10 minutes down the road to throw on my own dress and lace the bride into hers. And drove the wedding party back to the club. On time. Phew!

1 lb away from my mini-goal weight for the wedding

 The boys were flower boys, tossing blue and white petals out of sand buckets down the aisle. They watched the proceedings for a couple of minutes, then high tailed it out of there to go explore. Hubby had to miss most of the short and sweet ceremony, which was followed immediately by champagne toasting and speeches. The boys would dash in, throw a handful of dandelions at the bride or exuberantly throw their arms around the groom's legs, then run back down to the water or out to the lawn. At one point, Felix ran up to them shouting "I love the party!"

They fell asleep in the car on the way home, we managed to transfer them to their beds and they slept for a good 13 hours. This is unheard of! We are now plotting ways to tire them out like that on a daily basis. On the way home from the sailing club, hubby made me turn the car around and go  back so he could snap a shot of the caution sign posted on the side of an old barn that made him giggle:

I often wish my children were hidden.

And so life continues. I'm waiting to hear whether I'm accepted into a new school for September. And if it will be part time or full. And if I need to take the full 2 year program or if I have enough credits to wipe out the first year. And trying to stay away from the peanut m&ms that are singing their sweet song to me. Nine pounds to go before I'm at my goal, peeps. I'm trying hard! Need to keep busy and this rain is not helping, the rain just whispers, "Sleep. You know you want to!"

Complaints

My head hurts. I think it was replaced with a bowling ball.
My sinuses are full.
Yes I'm using the blasted Neti Pot.
And drinking large amounts of Emergen-C.
There is an old fat man sitting on my chest, I'm struggling to get enough air.
My back hurts from all the coughing.
My brain is foggy from lack of sleep.
My feet are wrinkled from the days and days of rain. 
My eyes sting from the long hours in front of the computer.
My head aches from all the information that's being crammed into it. And people yammering away at me. Constant noise. Constant motion. Constant go go go.
My Fitness Pal informs me that if I continue pushing myself this hard, I will drop 8 lbs in the next 5 weeks. That can't be healthy. Of course, I will look good for mom's wedding! Don't worry - I'll post pictures!

Is it Monday yet? Tax season is breaking me once again. It's a common complaint. That and my office manager. (Did I tell you he looked at my belly and asked if I was pregnant? He did, the cad. And this was at the 16 lbs lost stage, too! Mrrrrrrrr.)
On the other hand, it looks like I'm going to win the office pool for correctly guessing the number of returns prepared over the season. Yay me! Money in my pocket!

I'm going to lay down. If I'm not up in a few hours, can someone come prod me with a stick or something? Prop me in front of the computer? Thanks!

Gimme a G!

I am such a blog slacker! Things have been hectic around here. Elliot's tummy bug lasted for 2 freakin' weeks and ended with us collecting a stool sample. What a fun little activity kit that was... barf! No results yet, but it cleared up on his own so we're assuming he doesn't have a parasite or a vile disease. But he is sick again - both boys, actually. Started with low grade fevers and nasty smoker's coughs over the weekend. Fun times at our house!

It's been raining here for days. Work is getting more intense, as we're down to the final crunch - the tax filing deadline for Canada is May 2 this year and, like every year, the number of people who leave it to the last minute astonishes me. But hey - I'm one of them, this year. Shhhhhhhh.

To make my rainy day a bit more enjoyable, I made it to the post office this afternoon to pick up a parcel that had been waiting for a few days. It was certainly worth the wait.... the GMBOA is in da house!

So pretty! This is the outer wrapping....

So what is the GMBOA you ask? Well, it's the Golden Minion Box Of Awesomeness, of course! It's a fun little contest started by Whimsy over at The Creamery.  Quick - go check out the rules - and become a Creamery minion, er, follower. The GMBOA has been all over the place. I first tried to win it from Bethsix, and then followed it around for a while - I missed it at Eight-Twenty-Eight but then it was my turn for Awesome over at Amy's.

I *love* the pink duct tape

I brewed myself a cup of sinfully delicious Bengal Spice tea (I've been drinking buckets of this stuff. I'm addicted!) and started going through my goodies...

Such an odd little lady, caught my eye right away. She's red. Elliot's going to claim her if I'm not careful.

Look at that haul! I feel very spoiled. Can't wait to go through it all in more detail to get the full effect, but I'm pretty excited. I'm also excited about the next step. The GMBOA will be leaving me within 3 weeks, which means it might be coming to YOU. Look for a contest post on May 3rd, once tax season is over and done with and I can sleep again without seeing shoe boxes full of receipts and blood-thirsty staplers that have a mind of their own. Then you can win it and it will be yours. Full of all new goodies of course,  I'm not parting with these!

In other news, my weight loss has stalled. In fact, I've gained back about 4 lbs. I'm discouraged but not giving up. My FitOrbit membership expired a week ago. I'm not losing any sleep over that one, that's for sure. I just joined a new site, a free site called My Fitness Pal. It had been suggested by several people and I'm finding it very user friendly and informative. I'm set at a 1200 calorie day, but on the days I work out, I can eat more. Just as long as my calories in minus calories burned doesn't total more than 1200, I'm golden. Day 3 and still hanging in!

I've been working out in the mornings, finally, thankfully. Give the boys their breakfast and then hubby monitors them while I hop on the treadmill. This is strictly necessary as otherwise they tend to clamor too close. I won't be paying to fix a boy-sized hole in the wall, thank you very much.  I am up to running an impressive (to me) 6.0 mph. I can only sustain that for 5 or so minutes, but I've been maintaining a run at around 5.5 for a full 22 minutes. This is awesome!! And impossible for me for the last 5 years.  I'm in a wedding in less than 4 weeks, wearing a rather form-fitting dress. I don't want to be getting dirty looks for being the irresponsible pregnant lady chugging wine at the reception. I need that belly to disappear! Or at least to shrink enough that strapping it in with Spanx for a day won't kill me. Oh the things we do for beauty.

Happy Easter, everyone! Eat lots of chocolate for me. But don't tell me about it.

A new year

Yesterday was my birthday. Work passed in a blur - the joy of peak tax season. One client after the next, no time to eat or pee.

Last night, we had reservations at a dinner theater, a new experience for us. We arrived in a rain and wind storm and sought shelter at the bar. Soon, the actors came out to greet us and show us to our table. It took me a while to realize they were in character from the get-go. We were seated with 2 other couples at a long table. Introductions were made. We were all dinner theater novices. Someone mentioned that the evening would be 'interactive' and a nervous titter went around the table.

Our server came by and welcomed us to the first annual Lollypop Convention, part of the Atlantic Wizard of Oz Fan Club. Menus were explained. Bread was served. Sweet hubby slipped out to the washroom before the show got underway. A woman in a cowardly lion suit sat down at his vacated seat, and made small talk until the rest of the actors jumped up on stage - a mere 2 feet away - and burst into song. When hubs came back in, that sweet lion sang to him from across the room and then draped herself over him when he sat down.  Turns out he was in one of the room's many hot seats.

More wine was imbibed. Soup and entrees were eaten as we watched the performance. We were drawn into the act - after all, the entire audience were actually the convention participants, complete with fictitious and seemingly on the spot made up message board screen names. We were serenaded with songs by Elton John and Billy Joel. We laughed until our cheeks hurt.

What a fabulous experience. One hopefully to be repeated when their next performance starts in a few months. It's so refreshing to take a chance on something new and have it turn out so perfectly!

Today was a lazy day. The rain turned to ice and snow overnight. It was bitter cold and messy. I did my workout in the house, running laps through the living room, hallway, kitchen and dining room; the boys and sweet hubs cheering me on with playful participation. I tried to get some sit ups and stretches going afterwards, but my helpers were a mite bit insistent that I wasn't working hard enough.

See that wet spot on my tummy? They were both sitting on me and someone had leaky pants. Lovely!

I announced this morning that I wanted to go buy a treadmill, since the laps around the house thing makes me dizzy, and I've nearly worn out the springs on the poor mini-trampoline. And sweet, amazing hubs admitted that he'd already been pricing them and even did an in-store visit to check out the offerings as a birthday gift to me. So when my mom came to visit this afternoon, we left the boys with her, took her car and went to the fitness department at Sears. The order will go in tomorrow, the treadmill I want (best sale and specs)  will be available after the 17th of the month. A bit of a wait, but I'll make do. I'm very excited - I have been dragging my ass about going to the gym and my weight loss has plateaued.

Of course, that could be due to all the wine I've had this week.

Next week is shaping up to be a doozy with over 46 hours to be spent in the tax office. Somewhere in there, I need to fit in a haircut, since these locks are looking lank and messy. Wish me luck! And send more wine. My bottle runneth out.

My princes on a day home with an uber-creative daddy.

Lessons Learned

Apparently, shaking your head and stepping back are both signs that you want to get on the approaching bus and when you make no move to board said bus the driver will take it upon herself to yell to catch your attention and then lecture you on proper bus-declining etiquette.

Who knew?

I sure learned my lesson today. Thank you, #10 bus!

Also learned today - vitamin B shots BURN going in. Ouch.

And sitting in a greasy spoon diner eating a plate of eggs and hash browns by yourself while reading a book is relaxing and only costs $3.45

Gonna have a nap now. B12 is low and I found out this week that I'm suddenly quite anemic. No wonder I can't keep my eyes open for more than 7 minutes at a time. 3 full hours before I need to go pick up the boys. Sweeeeeet!

Rain. Day 7.

Well, many parts of the province have pretty well floated away. It's been raining steady for a week. Today we got a bit of a break and the drizzle stopped around 11. Stayed gray and windy all day, though.  During the first 3 days, we got a typical month's worth of rainfall. So much flooding and damage. Several bridges and many roads have been washed out in my hometown. Scary.

 Tina Comeau, photo

Aaron Pothier, photo

Aaron Pothier, photo

 

The boys are going batty. Took them out puddle jumping yesterday. Their raincoats were still soaked this morning! Luckily, I'm still off caffeine so I'm mostly in control of my impulses and able to deal with the stir crazy testosterone around here. I think. Though I did lose it on them around supper time yesterday. In my defense, I'd had crappy sleep the night before and 2 needles - flu and tetanus shots - that morning. I still wish I hadn't yelled.

We went shopping last weekend - bought what we went for, but it still added up to $$$$. Got a brand new 1620 coil count mattress with a memory foam topper. (Apparently, the coil thing is good - standard bed have around 800, she said.) It's a queen, firm, cozy. Hasn't been delivered yet. (Boooo! 2 more days...) We can't fit a queen box-spring up our steep, narrow staircase. And a queen split - 2 smaller box-springs - was an extra $300 on the cost of the set. Yipes! The current platform we have sucks. It's old and creaky and the slats slip back and forth and stick out the sides and we bang into them. So, Jay's building a new platform for the mattress. Not sure how the logistics of new bed in, old bed out will work since the platform won't be ready when the new bed arrives. We'll see.

We also bought a new portable dishwasher to replace the freebie we got on the side of the road last year. Yay for efficient dish-washing not being done by me!

Elliot's entered another aggressive phase. On Friday, Jay came around the corner from the kitchen and saw him stabbing Felix in the head with a plastic pen from their magnadoodle thingy. Nearly broke the skin, Felix had a good bruise. Jay said it was vicious. Later that day at preschool he got mad at one of his friends and bit him really hard. Didn't break the skin, but a full impression was still there at the end of the day. Plus he's always (and almost unconsciously) hitting and poking people as they walk by. The other night he told me to put the food in my butt when I told him to put it in his mouth and eat his supper.

And Felix, well, he's 2 and he's showing it. Every choice, every offer, ever question, every request is met with screaming. He sounds like a schizo pterodactyl.  Bedtime is an issue. Naps are fine, but bedtime. Ugh. It took 75 minutes to get him to sleep tonight. I'd tuck him in, two minutes later he'd be silently standing in my room, staring at me until I wordlessly took him back to his room.

Kicking it

So. Sad news. I saw my naturopath yesterday and she says that all the coffee I'm drinking is contributing to my rages and so now I'm off of caffeine.

About a year before we got married, I went off of coffee, again for health reasons. It was hard kicking it at first - headaches, etc. But I did it and was fine. I drank decaf. No worries. I didn't really care. I didn't neeeeeed coffee, I just liked it. When I got pregnant, I was perfectly happy to stick with decaf. Then Elliot turned 6 months old and stopped sleeping at night. He preferred screaming. I went back to coffee with open arms. Only 1 cup a day and not even everyday. By the time he was 8 months old, all my post-partum depression feelings (anxiety, impatience, anger) came to a head and I ended up seeing a psychiatrist.

She was a total quack. She dismissed my PPD concerns, told me I was bipolar (after I was interviewed by her assistant - she hadn't even talked to me yet!) told me I needed to wean Elliot and make him sleep through the night. She prescribed a mild sleeping pill she told me was safe to use while breastfeeding (since I refused to wean) and one that would allow me to tend to Elliot in the night, since I knew making him sleep through the night was just a dream. She told me it was a non-habit forming pill. I double-checked, as I always do, with the pharmacist when filling the prescription. He looked it up and advised me that it was extremely addictive and not at all safe while breastfeeding.

Yeah. I didn't go back to see her.

But my coffee habits have slowly crept up on me. Especially in the last 6 months. (Yes, I know that's when I bought my fancy new machine.) Nowadays, I'm at 2 cups most days, sometimes a third. To my credit, I do try to make that third a decaf. I'm exhausted. Not sleeping properly. Crazy busy - which I like, but with everything else on top of it, busy makes me sick.

My obvious reactions to too much caffeine in the past have been a vague upset stomach, hot flashes and the shakes.  That gave away to anger and rage. Caffeine is a drug and I apparently have a sensitivity to it.

Looking back, I think that a good 60% of my post-partum depression was (IS!) caffeine based. Another 30% would be due to the sleep deprivation. I think only 10% is truely hormonal. I think being on the anti-depressant helped - it at least masked the coffee rages. But now that I'm weaning off (about to go to every 5 days - boo-yah!) my nastiness is being revealed.

And so I'm now weaning off of coffee. Did pretty good today. Made decaf this morning and didn't get to drink more than a few sips before running out the door. But I had caffeinated tea at work and lots of chocolate. I had hot flashes about 15 minutes after the chocolate. Bummer. But that was ok, since it was kinda chilly and damp in the office and I didn't need to put on my sweater. Bright side!

So I'm bummed. I miss it. Already. But I get to drink it, just without the caffeine. The caffeine that makes me ccccrrrrAazy! *sigh* (Psssst - this also means I shouldn't have any chocolate, but I haven't told myself that yet.) Maybe I should switch to gin?

In other news - I chopped my hair off! And it feels wonnnnnderful. And Jay thinks it's pretty awesome, too!

Oh what a tangled mess!

 Hot mama!

Oooh la la!! Pretty colour, too!

Can't I just cut it off?

It might have been in the late spring when I tripped getting off my couch and broke my baby toe and couldn't wear heels to work for 2 months.

Or the time I missed the bottom step on my way to do laundry in the basement and my foot crunched.

Or this summer while running to catch Elliot while he headed down a gentle slope without a helmet, pointed at a chain link fence, on his new trike, peddling excitedly because this was so much funnnnnnnnn! Causing me to wrench my body as I grabbed the handle bar to save us both from going ass over teakettle all the way home.

Each occasion caused great pain and suffering and long healing times for my poor widdle left foot.

This week, it started hurting when I walked. Which is all the time. I probed around on the surface below my ankle bone and found a highly sensitive spot. It doesn't feel broken. Some days I can walk quiet well on it - but apparently not when I'm barefoot. Jay spent some time Tuesday night rubbing it for me. I pretty much screamed as soon as he touched that area, but he was gentle and by the end of the massage it was only mostly painful. The next morning I walked to class and it felt fine. Tender when touched, but fine.

I've been putting soothing creams on it - Pain-a-trate by Melaleuca is a favourite. But tonight. Hooooo-boy. Throbbing pain. Blinding pain. It feels swollen. I expect to see my foot dangling from my ankle, oozing and running and discoloured. But nothing. Nada. Tried to get Jay to rub it again tonight but it wasn't long before I was screaming too much and he was getting mad at me for not going to the doctor already.

Can't get in to see my chiropractor until at least next Wednesday. Might be able to squeeze in to see someone at my dr's office tomorrow - but my dr wont be there. And I'm working all day. Only 2 of us to handle all the clients. And I'm a sucker who can't say no.


Looking at a fun-filled turkey weekend, though. Rented a car - this has the previously unknown advantage of keeping me off that foot. Mostly. It's even an automatic, so no clutching for me! Though, a pain-free foot will come in handy while picking apples. And at the pumpkin patch. Or going through the corn maze. Or jumping on the Jumping Pillow. Or visiting the inlaws.

*sigh*

Off with her... foot?

Mmmm Fudge

Freezer Fudge - a 'healthy' alternative

1 cup cocoa
1 cup natural nut butter
3/4 cup pure maple syrup
2-3 TBSP water

Warm the nut butter (I usually use peanut butter, as it's what I have on hand), either in small pot on stove or in microwave. Mix in cocoa, water and maple syrup. Pat flat into freezer safe container. Freeze. Enjoy!

It's best to use all natural ingredients: 'peanut only' butter, for example, and pure maple syrup, not Aunt Jemima! Since the nut butter is a good protein source and there wouldn't be any/many refined sugars, it would be a bit filling and should satisfy a chocolate or fudge craving without tempting you to go overboard and eat the whole pan in one sitting. In theory.

It makes a very bold flavoured 'fudge', dark chocolate fans should enjoy it. I brought this to a party once, but it wasn't a bit hit, since it's not sweet & creamy like traditional fudge. Oh well, I don't like traditional fudge, so more for me!

Today, I was out of maple syrup, so used about half a cup of brown sugar, which I melted with some water in a pot on the stove. I added the last few drops of maple syrup in the bottle and added a tiny splash of vanilla, then mixed in the cocoa and peanut butter. It's sweeter than usual, and a good variation. Next time I think I might try a different kind of butter - maybe almond or hazelnut - and add a splash of mint extract.

Mmmm. Fitting, since today is very rainy. If only the kids could amuse themselves safely long enough for me to curl up with a good book, a cup of coffee and a few pieces of my fudge. If only....

Hello?

Is anyone out there?

Feeling a bit blue and pensive today. Must be the rain.