Highway antics

Things I learned (and may want to forget!) on my solo road trip with the boys...

Peeing on the side of the highway will never get old.

"I have to poop!" is NOT what you want to hear while driving after dark, when it's snowing.
And "I'm sorry, our washroom is out of order" is an even worse thing to hear.
I convinced the gas station attendant to let us use the washroom anyway - I brought the potty chair in and bagged out waste. Eeew. But so much warmer/cleaner than the side of the road.

Night one, the boys will only get 8 and 9 hours of sleep apiece. And I will have to curb my homicidal tendencies.

Co-sleeping with 3 and 5 year olds is far different from when they were babies. And not at all enjoyable when one is kicking you in the ribs and the other has a death grip on your neck. This will result in 4 hours of sleep for mama. Which  does nothing to curb those homicidal tendencies.

Shy boys will hide in the basement during the holiday party, venturing upstairs long enough to steal food from the buffet and bump into as many of the 60-odd people milling around as possible. They will want me with them at all times.


Barenaked Ladies' snappy hit "One Week" will be swiftly passed over in favour of Offspring's pounding anthem The Kids Aren't Alright. Though it will be remarked that, "He's not singing the words very well."

"I will not nap, not EVER!", especially when accompanied by crossed arms, a pouty snarl and a foot snap means nothing after 45 minutes in the car. All bow down to the car, Queen of Nappage.

There's nothing like sleeping in your own bed.

Girls have lasagnas

A collection of funny/strange/weird things I've heard or said over the last little while. Ok, mostly heard. And posted on Facebook.

Felix, playing an animal guessing game: "Mama, are you a whore-a-vore?"
Me: That's herbivore. And yes.

Elliot: MOVE your issues OFF the road!!!!!
(To Felix, whose dinky car was moving too slowly on the new race tracks.)

Elliot: I'm going to do a dance I learned back in the good old days when people didn't watch TV.

Me: Stop wiggling. Go pee!
Felix: I can't. I'm scared.
Me: Of what? Go pee!
Felix: I'm scared of pigs.
Me: ????
*He has started saying this at daycare too. I have no explanation for them.

Me: Feel how soft these sheets are - it's like sleeping with bunnies!
Felix: But they don't have ears. Or mouths. Or feet.

Felix: Look at my WOODY!!!!!
Me: Yes, those are nice Toy Story underwear.

Me: Ok, the muffins come out in 30 minutes.
Elliot, calmly: Jesus, how long is that?
Me: What did you call me? I'm mama.

Me: Do I have to toss you guys outside? Settle down!
Felix: Toss me outside? Don't toss me outside, I might get hurt!



I even dream vividly about people saying crazy shit:

Felix: Girls have lasagnas and boys have a penis!

Sawyer, from Lost: Who are you supposed to be, Whora The Explorer?

~~
And tonight, about a week after the lasagna dream, Felix spits out this gem while getting ready for bed:
"Boys have a penis and girls have nectarines!"
I nearly choked laughing.

I'm taking the Pledge

I know I shouldn't. I know it's terrible. I know there are always more sides to the story. But I judge. The baby in the stroller with the propped up bottle or the sugared donut? Yeah, I'm looking at you. The skanky looking girl at school? Yeah you. The preppy looking mamas in the school yard? Yep, you too.

It starts of simple enough. A side by side comparison. Me vs them. And it usually ends one of 2 ways - I'm bitter and depressed because I don't measure up or I'm smug and high-horsey because I make out smelling like roses.

And this needs to stop. Not only is it petty and mean, but it makes me paranoid. If I know I'm judging everyone else, then why wouldn't they be judging me?

So I'm taking the Mom Pledge. I am holding myself accountable, both online and in person. We are all doing the best we can, under the circumstances that are doled out, no matter what they might be. That baby with the bottle? Well maybe they were running late for an important appointment and it was the only way to feed the child and arrive on time. Or that donut or sugary treat was their first! Or a weekly treat. Or a reward. And I've gotten to know that girl at school. She's one of the smartest in her class. The preppy mamas? Well, ok, maybe they're putting on a show for everyone else because they feel judged when they show up in lulus. Or whatever.

It doesn't matter. It stops now.

Take the Pledge with me!

I am a proud to be a mom. I will conduct myself with integrity in all my online activities. I can lead by example.

I pledge to treat my fellow moms with respect. I will acknowledge that there is no one, "right" way to be a good Mom. Each woman makes the choices best for her family.

I believe a healthy dialogue on important issues is a good thing. I will welcome differing opinions when offered in a respectful, non-judgmental manner. And will treat those who do so in kind.

I stand up against cyber bullying. My online space reflects who I am and what I believe in. I will not tolerate comments that are defamatory, hateful or threatening.

I refuse to give those who attack a platform. I will remove their remarks with no mention or response. I can take control.

I want to see moms work together to build one another up, not tear each other down. Words can be used as weapons. I will not engage in that behavior.

I affirm that we are a community. As a member, I will strive to foster goodwill among moms. Together, we can make a difference.

Oh for the love of penises. Peni?

Another darling collection of the words out of my mouth over the last couple of weeks. 


1. Get the hose out of your mouth.

2. The first boy asleep will get a surprise!

3. Elliot: No. You have choices too, mama. Know what your choices are? I can not chose one of your choices or I can stay home. You can chose.
Elliot uses dazzling logic in an attempt to get out of going to school.

4. I see two boys who won't be getting any cake. Keep it up - so I can eat yours.

5. Feet do not go on penises.

6. No dinos on your penis!

7. No toys on your penis!

8. Put your penis back in the toilet.

9. I can't read through that balloon.

10. If you don't stop hitting me with that balloon, I will take it away and pop it.

11. Rarrrrrrrr. Nipplecakes!

Mom Talk

I enjoyed the last one so much, here's a new installment of things I've caught myself saying lately... or at least overheard...I actually remembered to write some of the nonsense down in a legible manner!

Did you pee the boys?
Used between hubby and I whenever the other comes to bed to find out if the boys' bladders have been sleep-dumped.

Why does your voice smell like chocolate?
Hey! The air smells like chocolate!
Two separate conversation starters by Elliot. My only response? A muffled, "Why indeed, grasshopper?!"

Stop smacking that ham.

Get your penis back in your shorts!
To Felix, while walking with the boys in the stroller on a busy street.

If you poke me with that stick again I'll eat your croissant.

Hey! Stop licking knives!

Felix: Something in my bum's made of poop. And that poop's made of plastic.

Those doctors made me VERY angry!
Felix, going to bed the night of the stitches. 

No, that's 5 minutes for YOU, mama!
Cheeky Elliot, on being told it was almost time to go.

Do they know we're not ladies? How?
Elliot, in the ladies washroom:

Get that fork OUT of your NOSE!
To Felix, in a restaurant.

No, I don't want a knife in my purse. Especially one covered in honey.
To Elliot, in the same restaurant.

Felix, in a dark room at 5:30am, covering his non-bashed eye): When I cover my eye, I hear a boy. I hear a voice.
Me, trembling: What does the voice say?
Felix: I want a drink.
It's not just me, that tops the creepy list, right? Seriously, that shit freaks me out. Hubby and I went to a movie the other night (date night, first in a looooong time) and I nearly started crying at the trailer* for Paranormal Activity 3, and I had my eyes clamped shut for most of it. May have also sprained hubby's hand.**shudder**

*I haven't actually gone to that link or viewed the contents. Still too scared. Click at your own risk.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot - and other things I've said lately

There are some phrases you just never thought you'd hear yourself say. Or even expect anyone else to say. But they've become commonplace at our house. Most have to do with proper penis etiquette.Why does it fall to me to teach them how to handle - or not - their peckers?

1. Stop wrapping your penis around the table leg.
(True story.)

2. Get your sandwich off your penis. That's why you have crumbs there.

3. Don't touch ANYthing - you have penis hands.

4. Get your penis hands off my face.

5. They're YOUR pants. Pull them down.
(Have I mentioned I hate potty training? No? Well I do.)

6. Get off his head!
(Neck and Face are runners up. This is said hourly. Sometimes every 5 minutes. And usually in triplicate.)

7. STOP WRESTLING ON THE COUCH!!!

8. Get my fingers out of your mouth.

9. Stop licking each other's tongues! Eeeew.

10. If you fall in there, I'm not jumping in there after you. Well, I will, but I won't be happy about it.
(I've said this more than once this summer. About the lake, the harbour, the portable toilets at the festival.) 

11. Fuck you and the girl you rode in on.
(Yeah, that probably needs some explanation. I was trying to tell hubby something about that guy who sang that song? Props to hubby for figuring out I meant Cee-Lo.)

I keep meaning to carry around a little notebook with me and jot down the rest of the ridiculous things I've been saying, but I'm lucky if I remember to put on deodorant in the mornings. Did you hear that what that stinky woman just said to those adorable kids? Yep. Probably me. Write it down. Send it to me. Thanks!