Beer smuggler

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, November 27, 1994 

Well, we had our "last" party today. It was pretty cool. We had over 100 people in & out all day. I started cleaning up at 8:30 and finished at 9:45... but that's without doing dishes! 

Only one friend that I invited came, AS. She smokes, but didn't have any...I gave her my last little bit of JS's. Then later, me & Min&Meg  (Min & them all came with their families) went for a walk to have a smoke... I was a "good girl" and only had one drag off of AS's. Min offered me one, but I had no way to pay her back. I hardly ever smoke, Once in a while I'll get a craving for a smoke, I've only had 2 cigarettes and a few drags all year! Tonight when I was "cleaning" there was a half empty beer bottle... I poured it into a cup & smuggled it upstairs... 'twas good, but I drank it too fast & it made me feel kinda sick.

All in all it was a cool party. Some of the adults were toking weed in John's shop. John was with them. I dunno if he did any, Meg walked into the room looking for her mom, & saw someone pass the thing t'John, but he said he'd pass on that one, this time. 

Oh well,

Anyway, 

Love Rainy

Man, I was trying so hard to be cool and fit in. I remember this party, it was fun and loud. I don't have any concrete memories of AS, though. Can't picture her, don't remember being friends. Weird. Min&Meg, I do. They were the first kids my age I met when we moved to that community, when I was 8. They had a Welcome Wagon and they staged a surprise party for us, new to the neighbourhood and all. I was out in the yard and looked up to see car after car pull in the driveway. Good times.

SAD

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

thursday nov. 24, 1994

dd

if i were to die, would anyone notice? i really am such a pain. i bother everyone. no guys like me. R is pissed at me. it's a wonder why anyone talks to me. i wish i'd never been born. i wish i was dead.

love,

rainy

Hmmmm, a little too close for comfort. Not that I've been this bad as of late, but there are parallels. I can't help but notice the date. Even at 15, I must have been effected by SAD. I saw both of my doctors this week. My family physician prescribed an antidepressant. I really don't want to go back on them, so I went to see my naturopathic doctor. I see her again in 6 weeks and if I'm not feeling better by then - after my new protocol of D vitamins, adrenal-support, iron and GABA supplements, plus close attention to diet, exercise and sleep - then I may start the ADs. Until then... wish me luck. And peace. And patience. And happiness. So far so good...

New hair. It's helping.

Smoking hot

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Wednesday, November 23, 1994

DD,

Well, I started smoking again. Yesterday at noon, me & R were walking downtown, behind a guy who was smoking. I started craving a cigarette. I hadn't had one since Halloween - it was a relapse or something. Anyway, R told me it was dumb and I squelshed the urge to smoke, but in math class (last class) CS had a bunch (4) of cigarettes. He kinda waved them at me. I mentioned that I hadn't had a smoke since Halloween, he said he couldn't give me one of his, but that JS would probably "loan" me one. I said that he wouldn't, so CS yells out to JS "Do you have a smoke for Rainy?" I've never heard a class get so quiet before!! Everyone was looking from JS to me! And then everyone started asking me if I smoked. JS kinda caught my eye, not believing that I wanted a smoke. (He probably thought I was gonna give it to CS or someone.) I went over to JS's desk. He kept askin' me if I smoked, then KA, who sat in front of JS, rubbed my arm and asked what I'd do to get a smoke (on the bus that morning, he'd said me & him should go to a cheap motel for a couple hours!) JS asked KA if I really smoked. KA said that I had before. (At the party) So JS gave me one! Then, all the guys in the class started yelling to JS to give them smokes & they threw money at him!


*Where the heck was the teacher, you might be wondering. No idea - probably still in the room while a bunch of underage kids were trading cigarettes in his class. I think he was scared of us, certainly very intimidated. His face was red most of the time, he spoke very quietly and cleared his throat every 3 seconds. Not the best pick to be in charge of a bunch of teenagers.
 
I came home and and went for a walk. I inhaled really deep & felt sick, but oh well. I still have some of it left, (I heard a car so I had to put it out to finish later.) 


No one mentioned anything about me smoking at school today. CS was about the only guy who talked to me. He's really sweet. He's REALLY funny. In math, he kept blowing me kisses. I've kinda liked him since last year. 


I'm not sure if R knew about me getting that smoke... she never said anything but was acting kind of mad.


Well, better go.
Love
Rainy (or as KA calls me... Amos)


I like:
CS
JS
sorta KA 


They're all in my math class; CS and JS are in my homeroom, & KA goes on my bus... plus, they're all friends! It seems like they there's a connection between all the guys I like!
*Of course, since any guy who looked at me or talked with me caught my eye and I also assumed they must be in love with me, it's not surprising all the guys I knew and liked also knew each other! Small town and all. When KA made the crack about the motel, I treated it as a big joke, even though inside I was thrilled and wanted to do it. I never believed anyone about anything, figured it was all a big joke on me, that if I went along with anything, somewhere along the way, the lights would come on and everyone would jump out, jeering and laughing at how gullible I was. There are still so many elements to that in my life. Sad.
eg I also like MF & MM. They're friends with Dd, who is friends with JS & KS. CS & KA are good friends, they used to live close to each other before KA moved. K is in KA's homeroom! They're are a million connections! It's eerie!
Nevermind!
G-night!
~Rainy
(Amos)

Scarlett

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, November 13, 1994

DD,

Well, we're moving to B.C. next month. Anywhere after the 8th we'll leave. I don't want to go. Sure I do want to go, but not now. I'll come back with my liscence (license) but that's about the only good thing.

Dad took us to Shelburn today. We saw the movie set. ("The Scarlett Letter") They were filming today so we saw everyone in con costume.

See ya!

~Rainy

**I should get my hands on pictures from touring the movie set. We went multiple times, it was quite something to see!  It was the first time (in my memory) that a major movie was filmed in the area. There have been lots since. I remember going for the casting call. Didn't make the cut, but so many friends and extended family members did.  That theatre was PACKED when the movie was released. My uncles were excited as they were part of a fight sequence and got to see themselves on the big screen. But when it was released to video (1995, remember!) it had been chopped off at the sides. Shoulda gone with widescreen!

Baby Lust: a vlog.

SO sorry for the delay!!! But here it is, my vlogging debut!



I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Monday, November 7, 1994
*contains bad words and a destructive cat tail.

For reference: Kaleb Andrew and ShayLeigh. The hell?

Hubby always knew I wanted kids. Lots of them. The deal was, we'd start trying as soon as we got married. And so we did. I showed him this diary entry years ago and he was all, "Whoa, crazy chick." Yep, that's me. And then I did become a mom and got hit with the PPD stick and that made me even more crazy, in a different way. Parenting and stay-at-home-mommying didn't turn out like I'd imagined, but I also can't imagine life without our boys. Who have perfectly normal names. Not that Kaleb Andrew is bad... but ShayLeigh? Really??!

vlogging

So Flashback Friday has been postponed this week, due to laziness. Mine, not yours. (EDIT: A week late, but here it is!)

I dragged my feet yesterday then cracked open the diary around 11pm last night. Saw a 6 page entry and promptly went to bed. Tonight I had the bright idea to try a video blog for the first time. I found a quiet hidey hole (well, except for the cat, who managed to bump the screen at one point) and read the entry. But I haven't been able to get it uploaded. Forgive me - I know you're just dying to find out what was going on in my 15 year old head. I'll give you a hint: babies. With WTF names.

I hope to have this sorted out by morning. Until then, this is how I spent the rest of my day today:

Covered in chalk...

My driveway - aka racetrack, temple, sidewalk, zoo and camera store.

And a place where animals get funky.

Even stuffies got in on the outside action.

Playdough.

Rar.

Rainy falls in with the bad crowd

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Tuesday, November 1, 1994 

I went to the party & had a blast! It ended up being at M's aunts camp. Someone brought hash. Everyone there (M, J, TS, KA & B) were "toking". They heated up the burner on the stove & pryed it apart with knives. B cut up his hash (M, J & TS were "scared" cause the pieces were so big.) I dunno what they did next, but they then inhaled the fumes or whatever with a plastic water bottle that they had the end cut off. TS toked a really big piece & she started coughing & stuff. J was laughing at her (J was kinda high) then TS started shaking & twitching all over. She was almost having convulsions. JC&BC were there at this time (they left soon after; & MB & HB showed up, too.) JC carried T outside & me & BC & JC stayed with her, talking to her & stuff. She wouldn't answer, she nodded yes or no. We were out there for about 15 min... it was cold!

Then JC carried TS upstairs & layed her on the bed. When he came back down, him & BC left. JC said to keep an eye on TS... since everyone was "happy" JC got me to do it. (I was the only one besides them * MB & HB... at that time... who wasn't/hadn't toked."

I sat down on the couch & was listening to everyone talk... B had this piece of string... it looked like a shoelace, and he kept playing with it; making it talk, etc. KA found it hilarious! (It was only funny in the way that everyone else found it funny. Then we heard a loud thump from upstairs. Me & KA ran up to check TS. She had fallen off the bed & was shaking & jumping. (It scared me!) KA eventually went back downstairs & I stayed with TS 'til she came 'round enough to go downstairs. (about 15 min)

We went down & sat on the couch. KA sat beside me to "keep me company". He asked if I was ticklish & started tickling my feet. I over-exagerated how ticklish I am & MB got mad cause he was trying to roll a 1/2 joint/smoke & we were shaking the couch.

KA had come over before the party. He helped with supper/dishes. When he was "wrecked" he said that he had "super sucked up to  my parents" and that he'd been "dying for a smoke" so that's why he'd helped out.

Mom & John came & got me at 10:00. When I got home, my eyes were right bloodshot & my voice was high (nerves, excitement.) They probably thought I was high... but the only thing I did all night was have 2 drags off cigarettes (TS & BC). Cigarettes don't really affect me, probably 'cause I don't inhale. 

Last night, when everyone else was out trick-or-treating, I smoked my last, stale, 1 month old cigarette. It was gross. I inhaled twice & started hacking. Yesterday on the bus, KA apologised for me being bored & not having fun at the party... But I did have fun!! Lots of it! I was happy just leaving the house! KA also said I have a very loving family... his parents always fight. He said he wasn't sure if he liked my family, 'cause he'd never seen a really "loving" family like it before. I wonder about my "family". I don't like it, yet everyone else seems to. 

There's a line in a song by Neil Young** that goes "she never let her roots down." it made me really think about how I treat my family. I used to say my family embarassed me... I'm just embarassed at myself. I do have a good family. I can't say they're strict with me, cause I do get to do so many things (party, dances) I wonder do I embarass my family? God, I hope not!

**For YEARS I hated Neil Young, couldn't stand listening to his music. I was because of KA that I started listening again - he thought it was cool. I just thought mom's music was dumb - lots of bad memories at the time. But very nostalgic now!

I've got a good family & great life. I've got to work on my personality. I'm a real bitch.

Anyway,

Love, Rainy

Ooooh boy. Lots going on in this post. I still remember that party. I still find the shoelace bit kinda funny. I am still freaked out by TS's seizure thing. I am glad I had the experience, glad I had the presence of mind to not get myself in trouble. But wow. What a night. As a parent, I hope my boys will be strong enough to stick to their guns. I was offered drugs that night and said no. And my decision was respected. I am thankful that my "bad crowd" was essentially good. I am still friends with one person from the group.


I did get a bit maudlin there, at the end, didn't I? Apparently it pissed me off later, as penciled in at the end of this entry, dated March 1995 are these words: Aw, fuck off! So darling of me. 

 Christmas 1994? 1995?

Rainy dearie

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Monday, October 24, 1994

KA invited me to his camp to party on Thursday. I wanna go, but I'll get in the biggest shit of my life! At noon today, when me & R left, KA and his friend J were walking ahead of us... he turned around and said Hi Rainy dearie, & put his arm around me. We walked like that for a while, then him & J walked ahead, & kept laughing & turning around.

On the bus, he said that they weren't talking about me... they were just trying to psyche me out. His birthday is Jan. 5... he claims I now know more about him than his parents do! We went around a corner and he leaned right into me... he said it wasn't a come on, then he rubbed my knee, laughing. Could he like me? He's really serious, & thoughtful of others feelings. he's really opinionated, and he's a real good friend, but I wonder what kind of boyfriend he'd make, he's high half the time! (I think he was this afternoon!)

Love Rainy

You know, it's things like this that make me glad I don't have a daughter. But that also make me cringe about having boys. Have to keep them on the right path!

Sweet loser.

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Friday, October 21, 1994

Well, R's "guy" D, it turns out, has a girlfriend! He wasn't gonna tell her, either! (One of his friends asked him where his girlfriend was when he was with R!) I was not impressed! When R told me, I was so mad!

KA is a loser, but a really sweet one! He smokes dope, is a skipaholic (school), he smokes, drinks and lives to party! I don't think me & him could be anything but friends. I think he likes this girl, Christine, in our math class. They're always goofing off. I hate her. (**No idea who this girl is, no memory of a Christine!) She's really pretty. KA is so sweet. He's funny and nice but he's the exact opposite of me. All his friends do drugs (marijuana).

Drugs are EVERYWHERE in the highschool. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one not doing them.

I don't think he likes me. How can you tell if a guy likes you? It's so confusing. Why do I always like such -bad- guys? I'll see KA on the bus Monday. He'll usually sit with me or next to me. Maybe I'll be able to think up something to talk to him about!

Love,

Rainy

***I especially love how I had to do asides in my own diary... (school, marijuana) but then, I'd grown up in the country. Big bad town school was a bit of a culture shock!

Math class hottie

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Friday, September 30, 1994

 

DD,

There is a guy in my math class who I like and I'm pretty sure he likes me. He goes on my bus and his name is KA. His phone # is XXX-XXXX. He's really cute & nice. He's got longish dark red wavey hair. R says he likes me 'cause he is always asking to borrow my pencil in class. He's in grade 11. Today at noon, me & R were in to Pharmasave to pick up Jennie's prescription. He was there, playing with a travel/health answer machine. I went up to him and asked if he was having fun. He jumped and said yeah. We talked for a few minutes & then me & R left. On the bus, BV sat with me & started tickling my knees. KA asked if BV was my boyfriend, BV said no, he just liked to bug me.

R and that D guy met up today at an assembly. They plan on meeting on Monday at school. Things look promising for them. I hope they go out. R hasn't had a boyfriend before... ironically, the last guy she liked was named D, too!

Anyway, see ya!

~Rainy

Of jerks and dancing

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Monday September 26, 1994

DD, 

K is a jerk. Him & his friends were leaning on either side of the hall today. Me & R & B & D were walking by. Just before we got there, his friends started pointing & nudging eachother and K. Exactly when I walked by, K stomped his feet & clapped his hands, saying "Oh yeah baby" etc. Everyone around burst out laughing. How could he be so mean. Another day they were making fun of my hair. I still really like him but he's so mean! Why is it that I never quite get over a guy? 

I kind of really like BV. I've liked him since grade 7. For the first few weeks (days) of school, he would sit with me on the bus & stuff. He'd tell me about his girl problems... several girls like him. One in particular really liked him. He claimed he didn't like her... he said he'd never go out with her. Well, apparently they've been going out for a while. They were holding hands today & he got her a rose. He came on the bus today to gloat. I didn't want to sit with him cause I was feeling really crummy & I wanted to cry, but he sat with me. He's got really soft looking lips. I wanted to kiss him or hug him or something, so bad! He just poked me, talked about her and her rose, and talked like Elmo.

And to think I even thought he liked me. 

There was a dance Friday night. Me & R went. We were the only ones from our group of friends. At the beginning of the night, a guy, D, asked her to dance. They danced all night and he bought her a pop. I danced with this guy named Fred and another friend, BA. Fred said he wouldn't dance with BA, then, 'cause he said no to her he wouldn't dance with me. So he danced with both of us at once. It was fun.

I saw him today at school. I said hi. He didn't say much.

Oh well.

~Rainy

Life is dumb

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Tuesday, September 20, 1994

**And 12 years later, Elliot was born!

DD,

I feel like shit, I wanna die. I'm in a fight with every-one. I want a hug. I want to cull curl up and sleep. I want to cry. I'm sick... my head is all stuffed up. I have to take some really big pills to stop my period cramps & get rid of P.M.S. Lucky.

School is ok. We get to go downtown at noon. K is still a gorgeous asshole. Dd is still cute... he stares at me in the hall. I haven't heard anything from or about M yet. Mom wants me to be friends with him. I don't know. I'm confused. Why don't guys like me? What's wrong with me? Am I really ugly or fat? I don't think I'm pretty or thin but my friends said say I am. But, like a friend would really put me down. Ha! That's my job.

I really want to die or something. Run away, lock myself in a mental hospital... Anything!

Life is dumb.

~Rainy

Breaking up is hard to do... or is it?

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Tuesday, August 30, 1994

Yep. Me & M broke up on Monday, August 22 at 9:35pm. He called me, and I told him I thought we should break up. He took it really good. Actually, I don't know what I expected him to do, so I don't know what is good.  Anyway, he said he'd been thinking about it lately. He asked if he could still call, I said yeah, of course. He hasn't called, and I really don't expect him to.

School starts in 1 week exactly. This'll be fun!

~Rainy

Of boys, lakes and fighting

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, July 24, 1994 

DD,

I think me and M might be breaking up. I don't really know why, but I just think so. I called him on Friday. He didn't know it was me at first. If I hadn't called him, we wouldn't have talked together yet! (I worked 'til 11 Fri, & 12 last night). I kinda wanna break up with him, but I don't want to do the breaking. I really do care a lot about him. I doubt I ever loved him, I doubt he ever loved me. It was just something we said. I wonder what he thinks about us. He wont come right out and tell me, of course. And I'm scared of what he'll say if I ask. 

I saw K yesterday. Me & Mel followed him around down. (he was driving). He spit at me (so Mel says)*. I only saw him lift up his head at me.

Oh well.

Love, Rainy

Fri, Aug 19, 1994

DD,

I think me & M broke up. I haven't talked to him since the 11th (the 3rd annual walk around the lake**). We barely talked then,

I've lost my phone permanently...It's disconnected. I was "disrespectful" towards John (step-father) at the "walk". I don't really mind - 1 less thing to spend my money on. I'm not going to France, either, *** so I don't have to save up $6000 by next August. It was an unreasonable goal.

K&C came down for the walk. They're leaving tomorrow. K stayed with us & C was with R. Last night we went to the movies. We saw "The Mask" It was hilarious!!

School starts in about 3 wks. I'm in "High School" now! Cool! But we might be moving in November to B.C. for 6 months. Fun!****

Anyway,

gotta go!

~Rainy

*Sounds like a winner, huh? I had such a crush on him for years, actually got in a 'fight' with the girl he went on to date (and maybe even marry?) She challenged me, told me to meet her out front at the end of the school day. I showed, trembling. She didn't. I saw him years after and he'd gotten... soft. Not fat, but definitly lacking the boyish charm I fell for. Or maybe I just grew up.


** The Walk Around The Lake was an event we made up. We were bored one day and mom suggested we got for a walk around the lake. So we invited a bunch of friends over and went for it! The dam was open and the lake had gone waaaay down, so we could walk around the rocky shore. It was fun, we stopped to swim anywhere we wanted. We did it for 4 years, I think. Even got newspaper coverage one year. There was one notoriously muddy section where we'd sink in up to our thighs. Mud fights. Another summer camp had a raft with a huge slide on it and would let us play there. They looked for us every year!


***I got it in my head that I was going to be an exchange student in France for a year. A very lofty idea, especially since I'd have pretty much no parental backing. I still wish i'd done it, though. Maybe I'd still be speaking French.

****Sarcasm.

The cat hates me, too.

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Tuesday, July 19, 1994 

DD,

Well, R has deserted me and M hasn't called since Friday. Even the cat doesn't like me - (s)he shit under my bed last night! M told me he'd call on Monday (yest.) Nope. I "fell asleep" last night at 10:30. At 10:50 I turned off my phone, (but watched it to see if it was ringing... it lights up) I didn't really sleep, just flaked. But he didn't call.

R's gone to K&C's for a week. I'm so tired. I feel like shit. I feel lonely!!

I know I should call M, but he said he'd call me. Ha! He's probably saying to himself "Why the hell doesn't she call me? Does she not love me anymore?"

Hey, it's a good question.

Gotta go.

Love, Rainy

Thursday, July 21, 1994

DD,

M got drunk Saturday night. He told me last night. He went to a friend's house and had 2 beers, vodka, a cooler and some other liquer. (I forget the name). He had another beer, but he dropped it & spilled most of it. He said that it "pissed him off!!" Then he said that now he could get drunk whenever he wants 'cause his friends brother is 19 & will buy him booze if he gives him money.

Great. This is just what I need - an alcoholic boyfriend. I didn't say a word when he told me all this but I was mad. I don't know why, specifically. Tuesday night when we were getting off the phone, M said "You can call me anytime, you know. It's okay."

Great. Now I have some explaining to do. This will be fun. Yeah! I can see it now: "M, I have a psychological mental block that won't let me call you...ka-pish?!..." Yeah! RIGHT!

Him & his family are going camping from Aug. 1-10. The exhibition is the 1-6. I thought we were going together. Oh well.

Anyway.

Rainy

Oranges are bad for depression. Apparently.

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Tuesday July 12, 1994 

DD,

I don't believe this! I can't remember the date today! I'll have to fill it in later!

I'm depressed tonight. It all started because mom wouldn't pick up a few orange peels for me. That sounds really dumb, I know. I had peeled 4 oranges, & when I went to leave the room to come upstairs, I could pick up all the peels. I asked if someone could grab the rest as they were leaving the room (they're watching a movie) & mom says "NO".

(**It was often the smallest, stupidest things that set me off. Still can be, though these days I just seem to wake up that way. I know that for me, a lot of it is diet related. For example, yesterday I binged on chocolate. Today, I'm a cranky, raging bear and just want to cry or sit in a corner and eat more chocolate. But there are these... children that keep demanding and expecting things from me!)

Dumb, huh! So now I feel crummy, & I want a hug & M's not here. Well, maybe he knew, 'cause he just called!

Ok. I'm back. M didn't help much... probably cause he didn't know he was supposed to. 

Oh well.

~Rainy

I keep wrappers in the freezer and sniff them when I need a fix. Sometimes it even works!

Bad prom date

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!


Tuesday, June 28 1994

DD,

The prom was last night. It was extremely boring. 


At 6, mom's friend came over to help with mine and Jennie's hair. (Jennie went to the prom with JB... her dress was Gorgeous! Lacey pink with silver going through it. **) We were supposed to leave the house at 7 so we could pick up R then drive to M's. Well, we didn't leave until 7:20! 


**Jennie despises this dress and makes nasty comments to this day about how it looked like shimmery cotton candy! I need to find pictures of us, all dressed fancy... once located, they will be scanned and posted, just you wait and see! Sorry, Jen.


We got R & arrived at M's around 7:50. (The prom started at 8) M got me a wrist corsauge (?) it had red carnations & white baby's breath to match the red flowers & white baby's breath in my hair. (We had curled it and put it up in a curly ponytail with the flowers. 

Then we had our pictures taken - I either blinked or moved in Every one! No joke! By the time we got to the dance, it was 8:25. They had the place all decorated with a black/white "Moonlight Entertainment" skeme scheme. They had silver stars, too! At first I was really nervous and excited. I was bad mouthin' just about everyone! I was a super bitch, alright! Then I was mad & bitchy, depressed and bitchy, hyper & bitchy... I was terrible. I deserted M for about 15 minutes. (1.5 fast songs and 2 slow songs). I didn't give him an explanation - he didn't ask, either. I was really depressed and staring at the floor. M didn't even notice. He probably wouldn't have, even if I painted my self yellow with the words, "I'm depressed" written in black across my forehead!

Mel came over and told me to "look alive! Get in the Gr-uuve!" Then R dragged me off to the bathroom. (This was at the end of the night... I came out just before the last waltz - it was "I Swear" by All-4-One. I don't even know whats wrong between me & M. I do know, but I don't even want to think about it. I guess we're just not meant for eachother. Were to much alike in our different ways.

When we were dancing, he told me not to get any make-up on him... I had close to zilch on! He won't touch me. When we dance, he wont put his hands passed my waist. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with him? We only danced about 4-6 songs. What a mess. For the whole night, we either sat in the dark, not talking, just staring at the floor. (Me & B had a long conversation, I'm sure M was rip-pissin' mad at me.)... or we were int he cafeteria, with me making fun of everyone and craving attention, & putting my self down. I asked R jokingly if I reminded her of any particular song... she said "Baby Beluga". It's an inside joke - she said I called her a whale (I didn't) but then it reminded me of that song, so I sang it. The M said the song "Burn Bitch Burn" and "Dead and Bloated". Jennie's date said "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)".Now that made me feel really good. H was always putting me down, saying really mean things. M didn't do a thing. When we went to Pizza Delight, after, H slapped me across the face and called me a bitch. M didn't do anything. WHY IS MY LIFE SO MESSED UP? 

Me & M kissed ONCE the whole night, we were leaving Pizza Delight. H started coughing & clearing her throat the whole time. 

Shit. BITCH. I hate myself. I wanna die.

Love, Rainy

Eternal Idiot

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

 Monday, May 23, 1994 

I am a selfish, self-centered bitch. I wish I had been in the plane crash. I wish something would happen to ME. I am like a sponge for attention. I hate it. I just want a hug.

(My step father was the pilot in a plane crash the day before, with my sister and the neighbour's little boy on board. Engine failure on take off, they had only just cleared the trees before coming back down. Everyone was banged and bruised and a few stitches were needed, but all was fine, thankfully.)


Mom was talking with M's mom on Saturday. Of course they were talking about me & M. His mom said something along the lines of "M doesn't want a 'heavy, serious' girlfriend, he's not into hugging & kissing & that." Well, I am.

I wish M would loosen up a bit. See. I'm a selfish bitch.


M got his beginners license on Friday. I haven't talked to him since Thursday night. K & C came down for the weekend. They left today. I got my prom dress - long, black, lacey stuff. $72.75! It's gorgouse! Anyway, I dunno if me & M are gonna go. I don't want to lose him, but I'm still being selfish. I want a boyfriend I can talk to and not be shy or embarassed with. That's not M. I want someone to hold me a lot. (Basically. someone who reads minds & knows what I want before I do.)

**Sing it sister! Isn't this what every woman wants? Scary to see I figured that out at 15.

If I break up with M, I'll regret it, I know. I'll miss him telling me he loves me & his kisses & the times he does hold me. I'm in a no win situation. I hate it. At present, (hold up - at present???! Who says that?)  it feels like I don't have a boyfriend. I wish M would come over. I wish I could see him. He was supposed to come over onFriday. But he said he couldn't. (He worked in his basement & got his beginners & his tuxedo/suit for the prom.)


He was going on about how he wanted to see me so much & all that, then he said he couldn't come. He didn't call me last night. I suppose I cold have called him. I really shoulda... but the eternal idiot strikes yet once more!


Why is my life such a mess? Why am I such a terrible person? Shit it all. I need some excitement. I wanna smoke but I don't want to get addicted. I wanna drink bbut there's no way. Me (& K & C) tried to open a bottle of homemade wine Fri nights, but it exploded! The wine sprayed all over the walls of the pantry! We had to keep Jennie out so she wouldn't tell. I scrubed down the walls & sprayed perfume all around the room!


Anyway, see ya.
~"The Eternal Idiot"

Get this girl some prozac!

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!




Tuesday May 17, 1994


Sunday night I cut myself. My wrist and arm are a mess. I knew I wouldn't die (I wanted to) but I liked the pain. All of the cuts are on my right arm. There was one cut on my left wrist. R saw it & asked me if I had "cut myself". I lied & said I had cut it at work. I don't know if she believed me. Probably not. I really don't care if I die or not. Everyone says it would be horrible to get AIDS or something and die, but I couldn't care less!


Last night, R apologized for getting on my case about my wrist (imagine if she had seen the other one!) I kept lying and saying I didn't do anything. She said she would be so mad if I did. I was gonna tell her, but... oh well. She's been keeping things from me. She asked D to the prom and didn't tell me until4 days later & even then it was because I asked her if she was gonna ask him.


Then, a few weeks (or days!) later, they decided they weren't gonna go. R didn't tell me. I forget how the subject got brought up, but I know she didn't volunteer! She won't tell me anything about it, either. Me & her are supposed to be best friends... but we hardly ever talk. Must be my fault. Seems like all my relationships are like that.


See ya.
Rainy

Meat is cruel

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!


**Ok, so I was going to post about the full day I spent with M and his family, but in re-reading it, I nearly fell asleep. It was soooooo boring! I carefully detailed every minute of the day, where we went (to visit his grandparents, and their house was swarming with cousins and aunts) and what we ate (sandwiches, donuts, licorice, Reece's Pieces, chips and tea), what we did (some kissing and 'I love yous' and also, H curled her bangs)... So I won't post in it's entirety, but there were a couple of interesting bits...

Sunday, March 6, 1994

DD,

...

I stayed at the house with his aunt and his grandmother. I didn't know what to say so I stayed in the living room staring into space! When M got back, he made himself lunch (I didn't want any, mainly 'cause  I wasn't hungry, but partly 'cause I don't eat meat. This is since Thursday, when there were 6 deer under my bedroom window eating out of the garden & John (stepfather) wanted to shoot them. I've decided it's too cruel to eat meat.)

***I didn't eat any red meat - I ate some chicken and fish - for the next 7 years. Whenever I'd have a taste of steak or a burger or something, I'd feel sick to my stomach. It was only when Jay and I started dating that I came around again. I barely researched it. I know I wasn't fully vegetarian, but no red meat for most of my teen years was a big factor in my anemia back then!!
...


Then we ate supper. We had pizza and it was loaded with meat. I picked it off & left it in a pile. I was too embarrassed to tell them I don't eat meat!!

**I remember he asked me about it later, said his parents were wondering if I didn't like the food, that I should have said something because it was a waste and I could have had something else. 

Tuesday, March 29, 1994

DD,

I'm in the tub right now. I just got back from the movies... me & M saw "Grumpy Old Men". It was hilarious. The only major disappointment, was that me & M didn't kiss, hold hands or ANYTHING! He chose where we sat & it was smack in the middle of the cinema!! (At this point I knew nothing was gonna happen.)

Anyway, my water is getting cold.

Lovies, 

Rainy

Thursday, April 21, 1994

DD,

Me & M have been going out for 6 months and 1 week. He came over yesterday. 

My life is a mess. I've been between depressions so often now. I started crying on the phone with R the other night. 

I am such a mean, selfish person!! I really don't like myself. I'm trying to change.

Love, Rainy