I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind.
April 9, 1993
Hi! There was a sock hop yesterday. I didn't dance with K but I almost did, At the very almost end of the sock hop they're supposed to have a slow song but they didn't. Right before the song woulda come on, K started follwoing me around. When a fast song came on K cut out ahead of me, then turned around and bumped my arm. (If that fast song had of been slow, we woulda been dancing!!!) Then, after school I went to Kye & Clare's on K's bus! On the bus, JT sat with him. She yelled out to me "You like him, right?" I go "Yeah!" & turned around really fast!!! Clare said K looked at me & smiled.
Fun! Fun! Fun!
There is a dance on the 16!!!
April 27, 1993
It's snowing!!!!!! It's almost May & it's snowing!
The dance was a flop. Only about 150 people showed up, there was 1 guy runnin' the dance, so K was helpin' with the lights. When he didn't have to work them (most slow songs) i couldn't ask him to dance. I don't know what it was, i just couldn't. When i finally did get enough nerve, he WAS DANCIN' WITH SOMEONE ELSE!! Not fair. He looked me right in the eye. I went up to the bleachers & cried. (It was the last song.)
Anyway. I wrote him another note on Friday... he wasn't in school, so I gave it to M to give to him. She forgot. She's supposed to give it to him today. Today I wrote him ANOTHER note. He was with a bunch of people at noon i gave it to T to give to him on the bus. She better not forget. In that note, I all but asked him to go to the prom with me. (i asked if he was goin' to it with anyone & said i wasn't sure if i was 'cause i didn't have anyone to go with, plus i didn't want to go alone like i did last year 'cause it was really boring ... it was.)
I watched him play floor hockey yesterday. He's really good (i told him so in the note) i signed up for floor hockey, too. (i told him that too.) When he plays (i was almost directly behind him) he bends over a lot. He's got a really nice ASS!!