Rainy dearie

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Monday, October 24, 1994

KA invited me to his camp to party on Thursday. I wanna go, but I'll get in the biggest shit of my life! At noon today, when me & R left, KA and his friend J were walking ahead of us... he turned around and said Hi Rainy dearie, & put his arm around me. We walked like that for a while, then him & J walked ahead, & kept laughing & turning around.

On the bus, he said that they weren't talking about me... they were just trying to psyche me out. His birthday is Jan. 5... he claims I now know more about him than his parents do! We went around a corner and he leaned right into me... he said it wasn't a come on, then he rubbed my knee, laughing. Could he like me? He's really serious, & thoughtful of others feelings. he's really opinionated, and he's a real good friend, but I wonder what kind of boyfriend he'd make, he's high half the time! (I think he was this afternoon!)

Love Rainy

You know, it's things like this that make me glad I don't have a daughter. But that also make me cringe about having boys. Have to keep them on the right path!