Rainy falls in with the bad crowd

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Tuesday, November 1, 1994 

I went to the party & had a blast! It ended up being at M's aunts camp. Someone brought hash. Everyone there (M, J, TS, KA & B) were "toking". They heated up the burner on the stove & pryed it apart with knives. B cut up his hash (M, J & TS were "scared" cause the pieces were so big.) I dunno what they did next, but they then inhaled the fumes or whatever with a plastic water bottle that they had the end cut off. TS toked a really big piece & she started coughing & stuff. J was laughing at her (J was kinda high) then TS started shaking & twitching all over. She was almost having convulsions. JC&BC were there at this time (they left soon after; & MB & HB showed up, too.) JC carried T outside & me & BC & JC stayed with her, talking to her & stuff. She wouldn't answer, she nodded yes or no. We were out there for about 15 min... it was cold!

Then JC carried TS upstairs & layed her on the bed. When he came back down, him & BC left. JC said to keep an eye on TS... since everyone was "happy" JC got me to do it. (I was the only one besides them * MB & HB... at that time... who wasn't/hadn't toked."

I sat down on the couch & was listening to everyone talk... B had this piece of string... it looked like a shoelace, and he kept playing with it; making it talk, etc. KA found it hilarious! (It was only funny in the way that everyone else found it funny. Then we heard a loud thump from upstairs. Me & KA ran up to check TS. She had fallen off the bed & was shaking & jumping. (It scared me!) KA eventually went back downstairs & I stayed with TS 'til she came 'round enough to go downstairs. (about 15 min)

We went down & sat on the couch. KA sat beside me to "keep me company". He asked if I was ticklish & started tickling my feet. I over-exagerated how ticklish I am & MB got mad cause he was trying to roll a 1/2 joint/smoke & we were shaking the couch.

KA had come over before the party. He helped with supper/dishes. When he was "wrecked" he said that he had "super sucked up to  my parents" and that he'd been "dying for a smoke" so that's why he'd helped out.

Mom & John came & got me at 10:00. When I got home, my eyes were right bloodshot & my voice was high (nerves, excitement.) They probably thought I was high... but the only thing I did all night was have 2 drags off cigarettes (TS & BC). Cigarettes don't really affect me, probably 'cause I don't inhale. 

Last night, when everyone else was out trick-or-treating, I smoked my last, stale, 1 month old cigarette. It was gross. I inhaled twice & started hacking. Yesterday on the bus, KA apologised for me being bored & not having fun at the party... But I did have fun!! Lots of it! I was happy just leaving the house! KA also said I have a very loving family... his parents always fight. He said he wasn't sure if he liked my family, 'cause he'd never seen a really "loving" family like it before. I wonder about my "family". I don't like it, yet everyone else seems to. 

There's a line in a song by Neil Young** that goes "she never let her roots down." it made me really think about how I treat my family. I used to say my family embarassed me... I'm just embarassed at myself. I do have a good family. I can't say they're strict with me, cause I do get to do so many things (party, dances) I wonder do I embarass my family? God, I hope not!

**For YEARS I hated Neil Young, couldn't stand listening to his music. I was because of KA that I started listening again - he thought it was cool. I just thought mom's music was dumb - lots of bad memories at the time. But very nostalgic now!

I've got a good family & great life. I've got to work on my personality. I'm a real bitch.

Anyway,

Love, Rainy

Ooooh boy. Lots going on in this post. I still remember that party. I still find the shoelace bit kinda funny. I am still freaked out by TS's seizure thing. I am glad I had the experience, glad I had the presence of mind to not get myself in trouble. But wow. What a night. As a parent, I hope my boys will be strong enough to stick to their guns. I was offered drugs that night and said no. And my decision was respected. I am thankful that my "bad crowd" was essentially good. I am still friends with one person from the group.


I did get a bit maudlin there, at the end, didn't I? Apparently it pissed me off later, as penciled in at the end of this entry, dated March 1995 are these words: Aw, fuck off! So darling of me. 

 Christmas 1994? 1995?