Porch Monster

I'm too hyped up on sugar to write a real post.

But I just had to share this picture of my boys in all their Halloween finery, under the Porch Monster that hubby created.

Pure Awesomeness

 But let's look a bit closer, shall we... Felix is off doing his own gymnastic-y thing, but some key details are being overlooked...

The samurai is all YIEEEEEEEE!

And the vampire's all VLAUUGHHHHHH!

Just try to keep a straight face while looking at this. I dare you. Hubby and I have been giggling like school girls since I downloaded it and zoomed in. It really does capture the essence of their relationship. Well, minus the samurai sword about to lop off kiddo's head. Those are usually only figurative.

So I'm going to lurch myself up to bed so I can keep my hands out of the boys' treat bags. I promise.
Until next time, catch up on our past Halloween's here, here & here

Oranges are bad for depression. Apparently.

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Tuesday July 12, 1994 

DD,

I don't believe this! I can't remember the date today! I'll have to fill it in later!

I'm depressed tonight. It all started because mom wouldn't pick up a few orange peels for me. That sounds really dumb, I know. I had peeled 4 oranges, & when I went to leave the room to come upstairs, I could pick up all the peels. I asked if someone could grab the rest as they were leaving the room (they're watching a movie) & mom says "NO".

(**It was often the smallest, stupidest things that set me off. Still can be, though these days I just seem to wake up that way. I know that for me, a lot of it is diet related. For example, yesterday I binged on chocolate. Today, I'm a cranky, raging bear and just want to cry or sit in a corner and eat more chocolate. But there are these... children that keep demanding and expecting things from me!)

Dumb, huh! So now I feel crummy, & I want a hug & M's not here. Well, maybe he knew, 'cause he just called!

Ok. I'm back. M didn't help much... probably cause he didn't know he was supposed to. 

Oh well.

~Rainy

I keep wrappers in the freezer and sniff them when I need a fix. Sometimes it even works!

Beachin'

Our city holds a yearly Curbside Giveaway, where you can drag all your unwanted crap treasures out to the curb for anyone to find and claim. We participated last year, cleaned out a bunch of crap treasures and yes, brought some new crap treasures into the house - Felix's big boy bed, for example, was being given away by one of his daycare teachers.

This year, the day was bright and sunny. We piled the curb high with crap treasure - old monitors, printers, piles and piles of books, toys the boys no longer wanted played with (and that I didn't think the daycare wanted, either - they received a large bag from us last week!), Christmas decorations, old picture frames, candles, a legacy toy box that just took up too much space...

Then we hopped in the car and went down to the Farmer's Market. (Where I stocked up on soap for the boys' latest obsession with lathering themselves in the tub, and Rawthentic chocolates... o.m.g. I need willpower. Too tasty.) Each time we bring the boys we swear we'll never do it again without short pieces of rope to tie them to us. And muzzles. Maybe straitjackets. They go everywhere, touching everything, and smashing into everyone. All at once and usually in different directions. We have talks with them in advance, reminding them of rules and personal space and putting their listening ears on. But it's always a madhouse. I grew up in Farmer's Markets... I don't remember mom tearing out her hair or threatening to thrash us. But those were different times. It wasn't as crowded in our little town. And we were a bit older. Or I have a selective memory. (Note to self: call mom.)

We made it out of the Market alive but not quite sane and herded the feral cats boys to a nearby park with a play structure and some shade for a picnic. When we could finally peel them off the slides, we went for a looooong drive so they would just nap already.

We drove fairly aimlessly... 30 minutes in one direction, then back and veering off and circling around. We went down roads we hadn't been on in years. Followed one until it ended at a golf course on the ocean. When I started muttering, Elliot piped up from the back seat, "All roads have to end somewhere, mama!". Sage little creature. We meandered around until we ended up at a beach. And then the chaos fun really began! We were unprepared, so made due with rolled up pants... until those got soaked. You know you've had a wild time when you have salt lines on your thighs!

He promises me he was saving Felix, not getting ready to toss him!

Felix was challenged by the tides. He would splash out to meet them and run shrieking and laughing in with them. Then the water would rush out, sucking sand and rocks out from under our feet, knocking us off balance... I had to run interference so Felix didn't get swept away. Every time.

The tides were coming in, quickly. My boys made a wall to buy themselves some time. It was a valiant effort. But, predictably, an epic fail. There might have also been some burying of a small child in the sand, necessitating a speedy save when the area was flooded.

Had a gourmet supper of hotdogs and fries on a boardwalk and then came home, wiped. And saw that most of our crap treasures had been re-homed! Hooray for cleaning out the corners of our dangerously full basement and closets. And by that I mean barely denting the heap. Honestly, we may be about 3 piles and a candlestick away from falling under the hoarder classification.

We sure soaked up the sun, and I'll sleep good tonight. (You hear that boys - stay in your own freaking rooms, ok!) And hopefully we can do it all again real soon.

Gimme an M!

Phew. Tax season is over and done. Such a relief! I had actually applied to continue working in the off season at the district office (I did last year, all the way up to November.) But I realized that I was stressing myself over it waaaay too much for only being available 2 days per week. It wasn't worth it, so I withdrew the application. Kind of a good thing, since my office leader also applied and was accepted. So now I'm rid of him, too.

I spent today catching up on phone calls - the boys now have dental appointments booked, I got myself back into my locked online credit card account (I apparently didn't read their message about trying twice, then ask to have the password reset. Instead, I kept at it until I got the locked message.) And I called about my school situation in the fall. They haven't gotten back to me yet, but at least I got that ball rolling, sort of.

I also saw my naturopathic doctor today, to talk about the boys and their current non-dairy situation. She agreed that it's time to ease up a touch and so I am now stocked up on goat milk, cheese and yogurt. We'll see how they handle those proteins. It's a risk - in the 3 months they've been off dairy and with all the sicknesses, there haven't been any ear infections. Which I thought was frickin' impossible! But the proteins in goat's milk, while still animal based, are easier to digest that those in cow's milk, so hopefully it will be a safe gamble.

She also had a good talk with me about my weightloss, my mood swings, my mental health, my ongoing furtive sneaking of chocolate. I have issues with self-parenting. I wouldn't let the boys pig out on chocolate or candy before (or instead of) supper. I wouldn't let them laze around, spending the day staring mindless at the tv or computer screen. So why do I let myself do it? I give in, I have no willpower or self-control. If I want it, then I do it/eat it/watch it/drink it...

So my prescription is to spend the next 2 weeks resting and working on self-parenting. Nap whenever I want. Limit myself to 1 square of chocolate a day. Have daily bubble baths. Take it easy on housework and responsibilities. Just relax.

Sounds awesome. We'll see how well I cope with it.

So, in the spirit of the GMBOA (don't know what that is? Check here for a starting point) I'm going to start my questioning off by asking you: How do YOU self-parent? What is your parenting style and is it the same for yourself and your children (if present.) What do you do for yourself?

Tomorrow evening, I will award random points to everyone who responds to my question and will put up a new question. By the end of the week, points will be tallied and a winner will be announced and the Golden Minion Box of Awesomeness will be on it's way to a new home, restocked with goodies just for you.



Huzzah!

Love Shack

My mom came for a visit this week. On Wednesday, we cleaned. The floors. The dishes. It took all day. Yesterday, we baked. Starting at 10am, cosmopolitans in hand, we made fudge, skor squares, almond bark, candy cane bark, sugar cookies, orange-almond biscotti, truffles (which I finished today because holy crap! What a long and messy process!) and gingerbread. There was just enough gingerbread left after rolling out slabs for a house to make 4 little people and some trees.

Today, I found an icing recipe that was suitable for sticking the gingerbread house together and we got creative. I honestly didn't think it was going to work. But voila!

Poor melted snowman.

Elliot decorated this person. That's a belly button, I'm told.

So we'll see how long it lasts. Elliot even said while making it, "One smartie for me. One for the house!" The boys were on a sugar high allllll afternoon. Then again, so was I. Candida Protocol be damned!

We also spent some time out in the SNOW! Yay, we finally got some white stuff. And it was perfect snow, too. Played in the backyard. Trekked over to the high school and used their hill for sledding. Good times!

Soooooo, we're thinking of spending 7-8 hours in the (borrowed) car tomorrow to go to a family Christmas party for about 3 hours. Not sure if we will. What say you - should we do it?

Woe is me, I'm so woe...

You know, some days, some people really shouldn't be parents. Like me. Today. Why is it such a trial? Yes, they're being more insistent than usual, yes they woke up earlier than usual, but most of it is my own reaction. I want to yell, to punish, to make them just freaking LISTEN!!!!!! I caught myself a few moments ago in the kitchen, staring wistfully at a bottle of Tanqueray gin high up on the cupboards. Somehow, I'm certain that there's no way to justify a drink before 8:30 in the morning.

I'm reminded of a few weeks ago when my mom was visiting and she watched the boys while I went to some appointments. She cleaned, of course, which instead of making me feel grateful, usually makes me feel small and incapable. I appreciate it but wish I had the drive/energy/ability to take care of the house myself. Afterall, it is my job.

She mentioned, casually, that she'd noticed an awful lot of bottles of booze around the house and was I having problems? Bewildered, I looked around. Saw 2 bottles of rum, the gin, whiskey, some baileys, wine, fun mixed things in the fridge..... um, no - no problems here. Yet. We don't have a liquor cabinet or shelf space to hold it all where the boys can't reach it, so it's tucked here and there. But maybe it's not a good idea to have all these spirits so easily accessible - to me.

Because the way I feel right now...  only mass amounts of chocolate or alcohol are gonna make me feel better about my abilities. Or maybe a massage. A spa day. A day away from responsibilities. Oh wait, I had that last one for most of yesterday. Didn't help.

Kicking it

So. Sad news. I saw my naturopath yesterday and she says that all the coffee I'm drinking is contributing to my rages and so now I'm off of caffeine.

About a year before we got married, I went off of coffee, again for health reasons. It was hard kicking it at first - headaches, etc. But I did it and was fine. I drank decaf. No worries. I didn't really care. I didn't neeeeeed coffee, I just liked it. When I got pregnant, I was perfectly happy to stick with decaf. Then Elliot turned 6 months old and stopped sleeping at night. He preferred screaming. I went back to coffee with open arms. Only 1 cup a day and not even everyday. By the time he was 8 months old, all my post-partum depression feelings (anxiety, impatience, anger) came to a head and I ended up seeing a psychiatrist.

She was a total quack. She dismissed my PPD concerns, told me I was bipolar (after I was interviewed by her assistant - she hadn't even talked to me yet!) told me I needed to wean Elliot and make him sleep through the night. She prescribed a mild sleeping pill she told me was safe to use while breastfeeding (since I refused to wean) and one that would allow me to tend to Elliot in the night, since I knew making him sleep through the night was just a dream. She told me it was a non-habit forming pill. I double-checked, as I always do, with the pharmacist when filling the prescription. He looked it up and advised me that it was extremely addictive and not at all safe while breastfeeding.

Yeah. I didn't go back to see her.

But my coffee habits have slowly crept up on me. Especially in the last 6 months. (Yes, I know that's when I bought my fancy new machine.) Nowadays, I'm at 2 cups most days, sometimes a third. To my credit, I do try to make that third a decaf. I'm exhausted. Not sleeping properly. Crazy busy - which I like, but with everything else on top of it, busy makes me sick.

My obvious reactions to too much caffeine in the past have been a vague upset stomach, hot flashes and the shakes.  That gave away to anger and rage. Caffeine is a drug and I apparently have a sensitivity to it.

Looking back, I think that a good 60% of my post-partum depression was (IS!) caffeine based. Another 30% would be due to the sleep deprivation. I think only 10% is truely hormonal. I think being on the anti-depressant helped - it at least masked the coffee rages. But now that I'm weaning off (about to go to every 5 days - boo-yah!) my nastiness is being revealed.

And so I'm now weaning off of coffee. Did pretty good today. Made decaf this morning and didn't get to drink more than a few sips before running out the door. But I had caffeinated tea at work and lots of chocolate. I had hot flashes about 15 minutes after the chocolate. Bummer. But that was ok, since it was kinda chilly and damp in the office and I didn't need to put on my sweater. Bright side!

So I'm bummed. I miss it. Already. But I get to drink it, just without the caffeine. The caffeine that makes me ccccrrrrAazy! *sigh* (Psssst - this also means I shouldn't have any chocolate, but I haven't told myself that yet.) Maybe I should switch to gin?

In other news - I chopped my hair off! And it feels wonnnnnderful. And Jay thinks it's pretty awesome, too!

Oh what a tangled mess!

 Hot mama!

Oooh la la!! Pretty colour, too!

This way lies danger!

I spent the day tackling some Christmas baking. Chocolate brown sugar fudge. Skor squares. Milk chocolate almond bark. White chocolate candy cane bark. Mmmmmmm. Delish, right? Nope. I'm not allowed to eat ANY of it. And not just because it's promised to various sweet exchanges and as gifts. *sigh* For a variety of health reasons, 2.5 weeks ago I started the Candida Diet. Now, this isn't a 'diet' in the weight loss meaning of the word. It's a way of life, a dramatic altering of the way one eats for a set amount of time. In the past, I've done 2, 4 and 6 week stints. This time, my naturopathic doctor says I need to avoid sugar, dairy, wheat, gluten & yeast for 6 months. Oh what fun! But I know it's necessary and I'm already feeling the change in my body. I know it's working and that's the encouragement I need to keep going.

So, here, please let me live vicariously through photographs. These are today's goodies!

Bubbling fudge

6 lbs - 1 large pan, 5 mini

Skor Squares - made with Ritz Crackers, condensed milk, skor bits & frosting - YUM!

Chocolate almond bark

Candy cane bark

Then, I nearly got my boys seriously hurt. We came home after daycare tonight and I parked the double jogger in front of the steps and put the brake on, like always. I grabbed all our stuff and ran up the stairs to unlock the door and disengage the alarm. I heard Elliot yell "Mama, mama!" and called back to him that I was coming (without looking). I tossed our stuff in the hall and then turned around to go get the boys. They weren't there.

I heard Elliot yelling for me again as I flew out the door. He sounded panicked. I couldn't see them at first, then I did - they were on the other side of the street, flipped up backwards, handlebar on the ground. They'd hit the curb and narrowly missed crashing into a parked car. Thank god there wasn't any traffic. I didn't even check for cars as I flew across the street to them. Elliot was yelling, Felix was crying, but they were both strapped in so hadn't gotten hurt, only jostled and scared.

I asked Elliot what happened and he said that Felix was bouncing again. Felix has taken to throwing his body weight back and forth in strollers lately - something he does allllllll the time in the high chair that drives Jay and I crazy. I guess his bouncing today dislodged the brake. It's a dodgy brake, but I didn't think it was that bad.

I was so scared. The boys were fine, but my mind keeps going to the 'what if' scenarios. Sooooo, lesson learned: park stroller sideways or take the boys out with me.

Man, I need chocolate and wine. But wahhhhhhhhhhh I can't have any!!!!!

Motherload

To hear my hubby talk about it, the days his mom would don her red kerchief were horrid. They'd come home from school or wherever, to find all the windows flung open and the house freezing, their kerchief-clad mother cleaning everything. They would slink in, sure they would be roped into something, or at least get in trouble for making messes like boys do.

Well, there weren't any kerchiefs in site, but my mother in law came over today with my younger cousin in tow and together we cleaned like mad. Dishes - check (lord, how long has it been since I've seen my counter tops??) Top of fridge dusted - check. Cupboards, rearranged and organized - check. Stove vents, soaked and sparkling - check (gotta cross that fire hazard off the list for sure!). Cat litter - check! Windows - check! And so many other nooks and crevices are clean! I'm very excited, if you couldn't tell.

In cleaning, I discovered where Jay has been hiding my chocolate and candies. (Hidden for my own safety, at my request.) Oops, trove uncovered! My, but those were some tasty easter eggs. I shared.

My cousin was phenomenal with the boys (and the windows!). She wants to come back to play some more. Wooooweee, I like this development!

Man, am I tired. Looooong day. But so worth it.

Mmmm Fudge

Freezer Fudge - a 'healthy' alternative

1 cup cocoa
1 cup natural nut butter
3/4 cup pure maple syrup
2-3 TBSP water

Warm the nut butter (I usually use peanut butter, as it's what I have on hand), either in small pot on stove or in microwave. Mix in cocoa, water and maple syrup. Pat flat into freezer safe container. Freeze. Enjoy!

It's best to use all natural ingredients: 'peanut only' butter, for example, and pure maple syrup, not Aunt Jemima! Since the nut butter is a good protein source and there wouldn't be any/many refined sugars, it would be a bit filling and should satisfy a chocolate or fudge craving without tempting you to go overboard and eat the whole pan in one sitting. In theory.

It makes a very bold flavoured 'fudge', dark chocolate fans should enjoy it. I brought this to a party once, but it wasn't a bit hit, since it's not sweet & creamy like traditional fudge. Oh well, I don't like traditional fudge, so more for me!

Today, I was out of maple syrup, so used about half a cup of brown sugar, which I melted with some water in a pot on the stove. I added the last few drops of maple syrup in the bottle and added a tiny splash of vanilla, then mixed in the cocoa and peanut butter. It's sweeter than usual, and a good variation. Next time I think I might try a different kind of butter - maybe almond or hazelnut - and add a splash of mint extract.

Mmmm. Fitting, since today is very rainy. If only the kids could amuse themselves safely long enough for me to curl up with a good book, a cup of coffee and a few pieces of my fudge. If only....

Mmmmm cake.

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla or mint extract (and your favourite tipple if desired)
1 large coffee mug (Microwave Safe)

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well.


Add the egg and mix thoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.

Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.


The cake may rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT ! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).

A bit chewy, but it hits the spot when you're in the middle of a bad craving and you've already eaten all of hubby's M&Ms and he's hidden the leftover Easter chocolate and that chocolate protein shake just doesn't seem appetizing. Goes well with wine.



Edit: Holy crap. Just ran a calorie analysis on this. Wait for it. 949. Delish, isn't it!!!!!! Use applesauce instead of oil to slash that waaaay down.

10 months

Where does the time go? 10 months ago, I was in labour, on my way to the hospital already dilated to 7 cm. That was one long car ride, even though it was probably less than 10 minutes. I remember the car ride while in labour with Elliot: I only had a few contractions. With Felix, I was contacting every 2-3 minutes. Very intense.

I look at my baby boy now and can't believe the changes. I still think of him as a baby. Well, yes he is still a baby, but he's also crawling and pulling up to a stand on anything he can. He will giggle and squirm away as fast as he can if you call out "What are you doing?" in a sing-song voice as he inspects something he shouldn't.

He's so mischievous. Especially when he thinks he's getting away with something. He was chewing on a phone cord while I was in an appointment yesterday. Everytime, I would say "ta-ta" and he'd take it out. After a while, he'd put it in his mouth and whip around to look at me, and he'd grin.

He said Dada today. Very clearly. I stopped, frozen. Thinking "Who said that? That wasn't Elliot's voice!" And so he's been babbling dada and shrieking it all day long. Ask him to say 'mama' and he'll whisper back 'dada'. Little stinker. But I love him dearly.

I'm on day 3 of my new diet. Finding the sugar/chocolate cravings a bit easier to deal with, but they've been especially challenging today. Decided not to wean from the antidepressant just yet. After enduring 2 nights of withdrawal symptoms in the form of shakes and nausea, I just don't want to deal with that now. I'll try again in a few more weeks. And that time, I'll do it differently - break open the capsule and remove part of the medication, so I take a smaller dose each day over a 6-8 week period.

We'll see.

Musings

I need some structure to my life. Some creativity. I need to get back into writing. Into living. Into doing something that doesn't involve changing diapers and having children strapped to me or screaming at me or running circles around me. I love my boys, but they need a sane mama, and I'm not-so-slowly and very surely heading down the road to a Very Bad Place.

So I turn to Blogging. I haven't kept a diary since I was a teenager. I still have the last diary I wrote. I labeled it "Bedtime Stories" and kept it on my bookshelf. It's one of those flimsy lock & key styles, white with a winter scene on the front. What did I write in there? What was so important? I read Jay a passage from it when I was pregnant. Some rant from when I was under 18 where I'd spent pages writing about how I wanted a baby. Someone to love and who would love me back, I think were the exact words I used. Jay found it frightening and amusing that I wanted a baby for so long. That I put it into my diary.

Then I had that baby. Granted, it took nearly 10 years before actually making that baby. I never said I was a stupid teenager! I loved being pregnant with Elliot. Loved my big belly. For the first time in my life, I loved how I looked, how I felt. It was nothing short of magical. Even towards the end, when I was full of aches and pains and wasn't sleeping well and was so cranky... I loved it.

Imagine my surprise when I was pregnant with Felix and it didn't feel as wonderful. Everything hurt sooner. I was sicker. Jay went away for the whole first trimester so I was parenting a toddler by myself, sick as a dog. I showed early. Stayed sick well into the second trimester. Ended up back at work because Jay had been laid off, worked my butt off and then landed in the hospital at 30 weeks when my water broke. Ended up on bed rest for the duration of the pregnancy. (And, oh yes, he was 10 days overdue!) I was miserable. But I still had a fondness for my big baby belly. I miss it.

Where was I?

Oh yes. Structure. Creativity. Life.

I spend my days chasing the boys around. Spending waaaay too much time in front of the computer messing around, losing patience with the kids and dreading nap time. It's a battle to get them both down for a nap. Nevermind both - it's getting one down while the other is still awake and shrieking in the next room. I. Hate. It.

No wonder I drink. And suck chocolate into my body like oxygen. I seriously don't even taste the stuff anymore. Stupid addictive personality.

Today, I polished off a 100g Organic Milk Chocolate & Almond bar in nanoseconds while preparing supper. And still craved more. I'm forcing myself to sip my "the boys are in bed - end of day" celebratory wine so that it can last, but I want to guzzle it like the chocolate.

I'm hoping words can soothe me. That if I write long enough I can make sense of everything and find some peace and balance again. That maybe I can wean myself off the antidepressants that I need to be a sane & happy & non-yelling mama. (And yes, I know I shouldn't be drinking while on meds, but it's one glass, so there.)

Well, it's a start. A jumbled, convoluted mess of words, but it's a start.