Thursday, October 1, 2009

Bad mojo

Soooooooo, I'm a stay at home mama who doesn't feel like cooking, cleaning or taking care of the kids. And this is how I feel most of the time. I'm inherently lazy and just want to sleep or read or watch TV. I'd love to snuggle with the boys, but they're too active for that.

Elliot is mean. He won't listen and it's escalating and I just want to smack him. I get so angry with him. And most of his acting out is from boredom. But I just don't have the energy to give him the attention and stimulation he needs. And that makes me angry with myself and incredibly sad. And Felix's separation anxiety is smothering me. When the babysitter comes over, he clings to me and starts crying the second he sees her. His night time sleeping sucks.

So yeah, been having an extra emotional few days. Crying a lot. Yelling a lot. Losing my patience a lot. Blech. I don't like the kind of mother/wife/person I am at the moment.

Yep, I recognize that I'm slipping into a depressive phase. I'm still on my meds, and on the minimum dose due to still breastfeeding. I should have known - I was just starting to feel good and thinking to myself "Gee, self, in another 6 months you can start weaning off of them!" (My dr wants there to be a 6 month window where I feel like myself again before attempting a wean - but I'm thinking that I wouldn't even recognize myself if said self walked up and slapped me in the face.) And then BOOM a week later, I feels like shite.

The temper I have inside is scary. I yell at the boys. I leave the house for class, come home 3 hours later, the boys scream and climb all over me like I've been gone for a year and I just can't be excited to see them - I need down time for a few minutes, not instant crazyville. And heaven forbid I need to step back outside to get something (groceries) off the porch. Felix freaks out to the point of black dot & nearly passes out. I really don't need to be dealing with that.

Do I have a support system in place, you ask, sweet reader.... Well, sort of - I have a library program I take Felix to on Wednesday afternoons. The parents all participate, but there's not a lot of independent, grown-up interaction. I did make myself go to my Mommies in Motion stroller fitness class yesterday. Only 2 of us showed up, but it was good to get out and get moving. And a friend works in the same building so I called her and we went for coffee afterwards. That was nice. And I have a wonderful hubby who is my whole world, in the few short hours per day I see him, and the maybe 10 minutes I get to curl up next to him in our bed at night before Felix wakes up and needs to be soothed and I fall asleep in his room until Elliot wakes us all up by yelling "Mama! MAMA HUGGGGGGGGGGGGY!!!"

Just need to push myself through it, I guess.

Yep, just keep pushing and chanting "It can't last forever. It won't last forever." Hey - that mantra got me through Elliot's birth. And after getting through that, I should be able to get through damn near anything.

And yes, it hasn't escaped my attention that all the links in this post have come from posts I made last month. I guess it was all boiling down to this point, huh!

1 comment:

Alicia @ bethsix said...

I'm sorry. Sucks. You're definitely not alone, though. I feel the exact same way most of the time. I went off my meds for three days this week when my husband kept forgetting to pick them up, and I got so irritable and just depressed and out of it. It is what it is, and I try to push through it too, but that doesn't make it any easier. Hugs to you.

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