Of boys, lakes and fighting

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, July 24, 1994 

DD,

I think me and M might be breaking up. I don't really know why, but I just think so. I called him on Friday. He didn't know it was me at first. If I hadn't called him, we wouldn't have talked together yet! (I worked 'til 11 Fri, & 12 last night). I kinda wanna break up with him, but I don't want to do the breaking. I really do care a lot about him. I doubt I ever loved him, I doubt he ever loved me. It was just something we said. I wonder what he thinks about us. He wont come right out and tell me, of course. And I'm scared of what he'll say if I ask. 

I saw K yesterday. Me & Mel followed him around down. (he was driving). He spit at me (so Mel says)*. I only saw him lift up his head at me.

Oh well.

Love, Rainy

Fri, Aug 19, 1994

DD,

I think me & M broke up. I haven't talked to him since the 11th (the 3rd annual walk around the lake**). We barely talked then,

I've lost my phone permanently...It's disconnected. I was "disrespectful" towards John (step-father) at the "walk". I don't really mind - 1 less thing to spend my money on. I'm not going to France, either, *** so I don't have to save up $6000 by next August. It was an unreasonable goal.

K&C came down for the walk. They're leaving tomorrow. K stayed with us & C was with R. Last night we went to the movies. We saw "The Mask" It was hilarious!!

School starts in about 3 wks. I'm in "High School" now! Cool! But we might be moving in November to B.C. for 6 months. Fun!****

Anyway,

gotta go!

~Rainy

*Sounds like a winner, huh? I had such a crush on him for years, actually got in a 'fight' with the girl he went on to date (and maybe even marry?) She challenged me, told me to meet her out front at the end of the school day. I showed, trembling. She didn't. I saw him years after and he'd gotten... soft. Not fat, but definitly lacking the boyish charm I fell for. Or maybe I just grew up.


** The Walk Around The Lake was an event we made up. We were bored one day and mom suggested we got for a walk around the lake. So we invited a bunch of friends over and went for it! The dam was open and the lake had gone waaaay down, so we could walk around the rocky shore. It was fun, we stopped to swim anywhere we wanted. We did it for 4 years, I think. Even got newspaper coverage one year. There was one notoriously muddy section where we'd sink in up to our thighs. Mud fights. Another summer camp had a raft with a huge slide on it and would let us play there. They looked for us every year!


***I got it in my head that I was going to be an exchange student in France for a year. A very lofty idea, especially since I'd have pretty much no parental backing. I still wish i'd done it, though. Maybe I'd still be speaking French.

****Sarcasm.