Monday, August 15, 2011

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot - and other things I've said lately

There are some phrases you just never thought you'd hear yourself say. Or even expect anyone else to say. But they've become commonplace at our house. Most have to do with proper penis etiquette.Why does it fall to me to teach them how to handle - or not - their peckers?

1. Stop wrapping your penis around the table leg.
(True story.)

2. Get your sandwich off your penis. That's why you have crumbs there.

3. Don't touch ANYthing - you have penis hands.

4. Get your penis hands off my face.

5. They're YOUR pants. Pull them down.
(Have I mentioned I hate potty training? No? Well I do.)

6. Get off his head!
(Neck and Face are runners up. This is said hourly. Sometimes every 5 minutes. And usually in triplicate.)


8. Get my fingers out of your mouth.

9. Stop licking each other's tongues! Eeeew.

10. If you fall in there, I'm not jumping in there after you. Well, I will, but I won't be happy about it.
(I've said this more than once this summer. About the lake, the harbour, the portable toilets at the festival.) 

11. Fuck you and the girl you rode in on.
(Yeah, that probably needs some explanation. I was trying to tell hubby something about that guy who sang that song? Props to hubby for figuring out I meant Cee-Lo.)

I keep meaning to carry around a little notebook with me and jot down the rest of the ridiculous things I've been saying, but I'm lucky if I remember to put on deodorant in the mornings. Did you hear that what that stinky woman just said to those adorable kids? Yep. Probably me. Write it down. Send it to me. Thanks!


Anonymous said...

Penis talk. We're all about it.

Rainyday said...

Word. All penis, all the time.

Alicia said...

My 4-year-old just realized he could poke his (erect) penis through the handle on the cabinet. AWESOME.

Rainyday said...

Oh my. This novelty never wears off does it?

Elizabeth - Flourish in Progress said...

I wish you could know how much you just made me laugh.

Amy said...

Ah, the penis. I believe ive said some of those exact things to nate! It doesnt help that he likes being naked all the time.

Rainyday said...

Happy to help, Elizabeth - and that's a mighty fine compliment coming from you!

Rainyday said...

Amy - my boys would prefer being naked, too. But naked tushies on my furniture makes my skin crawl, so nope. Not allowed!

crittersandcrayons said...

Okay- This post is freaking hilarious! I'm dropping by really late to say thanks for commenting on a guest post of mine at Scary Mommy months ago on the Myth of the Super Mom....I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who hates dishes and laundry!!!

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