There are some phrases you just never thought you'd hear yourself say. Or even expect anyone else to say. But they've become commonplace at our house. Most have to do with proper penis etiquette.Why does it fall to me to teach them how to handle - or not - their peckers?
1. Stop wrapping your penis around the table leg.
2. Get your sandwich off your penis. That's why you have crumbs there.
3. Don't touch ANYthing - you have penis hands.
4. Get your penis hands off my face.
5. They're YOUR pants. Pull them down.
(Have I mentioned I hate potty training? No? Well I do.)
6. Get off his head!
(Neck and Face are runners up. This is said hourly. Sometimes every 5 minutes. And usually in triplicate.)
7. STOP WRESTLING ON THE COUCH!!!
8. Get my fingers out of your mouth.
9. Stop licking each other's tongues! Eeeew.
10. If you fall in there, I'm not jumping in there after you. Well, I will, but I won't be happy about it.
(I've said this more than once this summer. About the lake, the harbour, the portable toilets at the festival.)
11. Fuck you and the girl you rode in on.
(Yeah, that probably needs some explanation. I was trying to tell hubby something about that guy who sang that song? Props to hubby for figuring out I meant Cee-Lo.)
I keep meaning to carry around a little notebook with me and jot down the rest of the ridiculous things I've been saying, but I'm lucky if I remember to put on deodorant in the mornings. Did you hear that what that stinky woman just said to those adorable kids? Yep. Probably me. Write it down. Send it to me. Thanks!