Bad prom date

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!


Tuesday, June 28 1994

DD,

The prom was last night. It was extremely boring. 


At 6, mom's friend came over to help with mine and Jennie's hair. (Jennie went to the prom with JB... her dress was Gorgeous! Lacey pink with silver going through it. **) We were supposed to leave the house at 7 so we could pick up R then drive to M's. Well, we didn't leave until 7:20! 


**Jennie despises this dress and makes nasty comments to this day about how it looked like shimmery cotton candy! I need to find pictures of us, all dressed fancy... once located, they will be scanned and posted, just you wait and see! Sorry, Jen.


We got R & arrived at M's around 7:50. (The prom started at 8) M got me a wrist corsauge (?) it had red carnations & white baby's breath to match the red flowers & white baby's breath in my hair. (We had curled it and put it up in a curly ponytail with the flowers. 

Then we had our pictures taken - I either blinked or moved in Every one! No joke! By the time we got to the dance, it was 8:25. They had the place all decorated with a black/white "Moonlight Entertainment" skeme scheme. They had silver stars, too! At first I was really nervous and excited. I was bad mouthin' just about everyone! I was a super bitch, alright! Then I was mad & bitchy, depressed and bitchy, hyper & bitchy... I was terrible. I deserted M for about 15 minutes. (1.5 fast songs and 2 slow songs). I didn't give him an explanation - he didn't ask, either. I was really depressed and staring at the floor. M didn't even notice. He probably wouldn't have, even if I painted my self yellow with the words, "I'm depressed" written in black across my forehead!

Mel came over and told me to "look alive! Get in the Gr-uuve!" Then R dragged me off to the bathroom. (This was at the end of the night... I came out just before the last waltz - it was "I Swear" by All-4-One. I don't even know whats wrong between me & M. I do know, but I don't even want to think about it. I guess we're just not meant for eachother. Were to much alike in our different ways.

When we were dancing, he told me not to get any make-up on him... I had close to zilch on! He won't touch me. When we dance, he wont put his hands passed my waist. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with him? We only danced about 4-6 songs. What a mess. For the whole night, we either sat in the dark, not talking, just staring at the floor. (Me & B had a long conversation, I'm sure M was rip-pissin' mad at me.)... or we were int he cafeteria, with me making fun of everyone and craving attention, & putting my self down. I asked R jokingly if I reminded her of any particular song... she said "Baby Beluga". It's an inside joke - she said I called her a whale (I didn't) but then it reminded me of that song, so I sang it. The M said the song "Burn Bitch Burn" and "Dead and Bloated". Jennie's date said "Dude (Looks Like a Lady)".Now that made me feel really good. H was always putting me down, saying really mean things. M didn't do a thing. When we went to Pizza Delight, after, H slapped me across the face and called me a bitch. M didn't do anything. WHY IS MY LIFE SO MESSED UP? 

Me & M kissed ONCE the whole night, we were leaving Pizza Delight. H started coughing & clearing her throat the whole time. 

Shit. BITCH. I hate myself. I wanna die.

Love, Rainy