Friday, August 12, 2011

Oranges are bad for depression. Apparently.

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!


Tuesday July 12, 1994 

DD,


I don't believe this! I can't remember the date today! I'll have to fill it in later!

I'm depressed tonight. It all started because mom wouldn't pick up a few orange peels for me. That sounds really dumb, I know. I had peeled 4 oranges, & when I went to leave the room to come upstairs, I could pick up all the peels. I asked if someone could grab the rest as they were leaving the room (they're watching a movie) & mom says "NO".

(**It was often the smallest, stupidest things that set me off. Still can be, though these days I just seem to wake up that way. I know that for me, a lot of it is diet related. For example, yesterday I binged on chocolate. Today, I'm a cranky, raging bear and just want to cry or sit in a corner and eat more chocolate. But there are these... children that keep demanding and expecting things from me!)

Dumb, huh! So now I feel crummy, & I want a hug & M's not here. Well, maybe he knew, 'cause he just called!

Ok. I'm back. M didn't help much... probably cause he didn't know he was supposed to. 

Oh well.

~Rainy
I keep wrappers in the freezer and sniff them when I need a fix. Sometimes it even works!

2 comments:

Elizabeth - Flourish in Progress said...

This makes me wish i had kept all of my old journals. It's a huge range of emotions to read what you once wrote, as a younger self, who was vulnerable and sometimes lost and sometimes happy.

I wish I could give your 14 yr old self a hug too!

Rainyday said...

Yep, total emotional vomitfest. I'll bet my 14 year old self would have appreciated the hug. Wish we'd known each other back in the day, you could have taught my emo self a thing or 2 about being bad ass!

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