The cat hates me, too.

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Tuesday, July 19, 1994 

DD,

Well, R has deserted me and M hasn't called since Friday. Even the cat doesn't like me - (s)he shit under my bed last night! M told me he'd call on Monday (yest.) Nope. I "fell asleep" last night at 10:30. At 10:50 I turned off my phone, (but watched it to see if it was ringing... it lights up) I didn't really sleep, just flaked. But he didn't call.

R's gone to K&C's for a week. I'm so tired. I feel like shit. I feel lonely!!

I know I should call M, but he said he'd call me. Ha! He's probably saying to himself "Why the hell doesn't she call me? Does she not love me anymore?"

Hey, it's a good question.

Gotta go.

Love, Rainy

Thursday, July 21, 1994

DD,

M got drunk Saturday night. He told me last night. He went to a friend's house and had 2 beers, vodka, a cooler and some other liquer. (I forget the name). He had another beer, but he dropped it & spilled most of it. He said that it "pissed him off!!" Then he said that now he could get drunk whenever he wants 'cause his friends brother is 19 & will buy him booze if he gives him money.

Great. This is just what I need - an alcoholic boyfriend. I didn't say a word when he told me all this but I was mad. I don't know why, specifically. Tuesday night when we were getting off the phone, M said "You can call me anytime, you know. It's okay."

Great. Now I have some explaining to do. This will be fun. Yeah! I can see it now: "M, I have a psychological mental block that won't let me call you...ka-pish?!..." Yeah! RIGHT!

Him & his family are going camping from Aug. 1-10. The exhibition is the 1-6. I thought we were going together. Oh well.

Anyway.

Rainy