Eternal Idiot

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

 Monday, May 23, 1994 

I am a selfish, self-centered bitch. I wish I had been in the plane crash. I wish something would happen to ME. I am like a sponge for attention. I hate it. I just want a hug.

(My step father was the pilot in a plane crash the day before, with my sister and the neighbour's little boy on board. Engine failure on take off, they had only just cleared the trees before coming back down. Everyone was banged and bruised and a few stitches were needed, but all was fine, thankfully.)


Mom was talking with M's mom on Saturday. Of course they were talking about me & M. His mom said something along the lines of "M doesn't want a 'heavy, serious' girlfriend, he's not into hugging & kissing & that." Well, I am.

I wish M would loosen up a bit. See. I'm a selfish bitch.


M got his beginners license on Friday. I haven't talked to him since Thursday night. K & C came down for the weekend. They left today. I got my prom dress - long, black, lacey stuff. $72.75! It's gorgouse! Anyway, I dunno if me & M are gonna go. I don't want to lose him, but I'm still being selfish. I want a boyfriend I can talk to and not be shy or embarassed with. That's not M. I want someone to hold me a lot. (Basically. someone who reads minds & knows what I want before I do.)

**Sing it sister! Isn't this what every woman wants? Scary to see I figured that out at 15.

If I break up with M, I'll regret it, I know. I'll miss him telling me he loves me & his kisses & the times he does hold me. I'm in a no win situation. I hate it. At present, (hold up - at present???! Who says that?)  it feels like I don't have a boyfriend. I wish M would come over. I wish I could see him. He was supposed to come over onFriday. But he said he couldn't. (He worked in his basement & got his beginners & his tuxedo/suit for the prom.)


He was going on about how he wanted to see me so much & all that, then he said he couldn't come. He didn't call me last night. I suppose I cold have called him. I really shoulda... but the eternal idiot strikes yet once more!


Why is my life such a mess? Why am I such a terrible person? Shit it all. I need some excitement. I wanna smoke but I don't want to get addicted. I wanna drink bbut there's no way. Me (& K & C) tried to open a bottle of homemade wine Fri nights, but it exploded! The wine sprayed all over the walls of the pantry! We had to keep Jennie out so she wouldn't tell. I scrubed down the walls & sprayed perfume all around the room!


Anyway, see ya.
~"The Eternal Idiot"

Happy Birthday, darling.

This is a place holder for Felix's birthday letter. We're traveling and, though I have internet access, these clowns haven't been going to sleep until 9 or 10 at night, at which point I'm also blind with exhaustion - and rage. Go the F*ck to Sleep is right!

So, until I get myself together, please enjoy these photos of my baby. Who is somehow turning 3 today. Not possible.

And while you're waiting on me to get my shit together, go catch up on the first birthday post, last year's letter and his really long-winded birth story!

Old Time Fire Fighter

Don't worry, old chap, we got this.

Three down

Hmmm, let's see.... what happened last week? Well, a whole lot of sticking close to home. Potty training will do that to you. But we cautiously started to branch out a bit.

Monday we went to a playground up the street. Stopped at the coffee shop, got a muffin and a decaf. They played and ate, I watched and drank. Elliot used the potty that I'd so thoughtfully brought. Felix waited until we got home. Good boy.

Tuesday we were architects, project managers and construction workers, creating great works in the livingroom. Then we went to the playground down the street. Brought the potty there, too. All was great until a crowd of kids arrived (kids we knew, even - Elliot's old daycare class!) And Elliot couldn't handle the crush so he ran away, causing me to sprint after him in flip flops. I was not impressed. Home we went, crying all the way.

Doing "gymnastics" on top of the slide. So safe.

Wednesday we stayed in the backyard, playing bocci and bowling and reading books. At lunch time, Elliot said he wanted to make art with his food. I obliged.

Thursday. My favourite day! Sitter came again. I high tailed it outta here, went to the library to use their free WiFi, did some bookkeeping, had lunch with a good friend at one of my favourite restaurants then went for an amazing massage. So very nice.

Friday we ran errands and then spent the afternoon at my mom's. I was impressed with the boy's bladder control in the car. It was a relatively short trip, especially compared to the 3 hour road trip we're embarking on shortly. I'm spending the next 4 nights and 5 days at the lake with the boys by myself. I'm most worried about the snakes.

Saturday we ran errands and took the boys out for supper.

Sunday we celebrated Felix's 3rd birthday a few days early. The bouncy castle was a hit! And there was only a little bit of wrestling.

New bike!

So we've made it through weeks 1, 2 and 3. Week 4 might be the death of us.... I will have limited internets but will try to keep you all updated. Snakes and all. The next hurdle will be keeping Elliot bug-bite free. Otherwise we may end up in Emerg...

Elliot rocks the Vamp, Buffy style.

Ok. Here we go. In the car, everyone. Hi Ho Silver - away!

The one where he wasn't there.

There's nothing quite as heart stopping as running through the aisles in a store, calling frantically for your child who is no where in sight.

We went to Canadian Tire to buy a tent last night. Because in order to take the boys camping, we need something slightly more spacious than the old 3 person dome, especially when children turn into starfish as they sleep. The boys were in full wrang mode, it was late in the day and we hadn't had supper yet. I ran into a coworker and we chatted for a minute, the whole time I had one eye on Mr. Felix, who was running full tilt to the end of the aisle. I saw him turn the corner, yelled my goodbyes and went to head him off by running down the next aisle.

He wasn't there.

He wasn't in the next one. Or the next one. Or at the automotive desk at the end of that corridor. Or in their stock room. My voice got louder and louder, the staff seemed to just look at me dumbly. I thought I heard a far off voice call, "I have him", but I was in panic mode and didn't dare venture too far from where I'd seen him - what if he was hiding, giggling, and about to run out the front door if I turned my back? Or what if I'd imagined it and dropped my guard, just in time for some nefarious bad guy to smuggle him out the building? Finally, a staff member came over and asked if someone had gotten away from me. Um. Yeah. So he started looking, too. And getting other staff involved. Finally I found Jay.

And Jay had Felix. He told me he'd heard me yelling and called out that he had him but didn't want to keep screaming through the store. So he let me keep yelling and get the staff involved, I guess. Thanks, hubs. I ran back up front to tell the guy we had him, and then went back for details.

Jay and Elliot were in hardware when Felix came marching down the back wall. Little stinker doubled back when I cut over to the next aisle. He ran straight down to the back wall and then took off towards the farthest corner (so, diagonal to me), when he stumbled over the rest of his family.

He's taken off in stores before. There have been other 'holy shit' moments. But this one was the longest, I think. And yet again, I want to get out the toddler leash and tie him to me.

Thank goodness he has such a forgivable face.

Birthday cupcake. Nom nom nom.

Friday's follies

Taking the kids with me to the employment insurance office probably wasn't the brightest of moves. Not only did it showcase that I wasn't, in fact, ready and able to work that day, but they were rather disruptive. To put it mildly.

First there was the running away and down the corridor, peaking in on other meetings in session. They were quickly called back and harnessed into the stroller and fed snacks, but the damage was done. They had tasted freedom and nothing else would soothe those savage beasts. I had my conversation with a sweet little french-accented girl, er young woman. She told me (in between me snapping at the kids to "Eat it and be quiet and keep your hands on your own side!") that my weekly payments of negative eleventy five cents would just have to stop once my course starts in September, since I wouldn't be ready and willing and able to work anymore. Duh.

But there's another program I may qualify for, one which I thought I was going to talk to them about today. But no, it's run by an affiliated company down the street. I asked for their phone number, so I could set up a time, and the cheery lady at the front desk told me I should just pop in, it was so close! I motioned to the boys and might have muttered something about poo flinging, and she just smiled.

So we decided to stop in anyway.

The man at the desk called us all over, told the boys to pull up a chair, they happily obliged and I was cautiously optimistic that things would go well. So I chatted and went over a few questions and key points and was setting up a time when the chaos erupted. Complete with spinning chairs and battle cries. Another caseworker came out to shush them just as I turned around, eyes shooting laser beams into their little brains and they fell silent. Until it was time to leave and Felix didn't want to vacate his spaceship. And enter screaming pterodactyl boy. I actually crammed my hand in his mouth to stifle him as we fled.

Knowing they needed to burn off more energy, we stopped at a little green space on the way home and they ran, ran, ran and climbed trees. And fell out of trees. There was crying. And running away. The usual.

Home again home again jiggity jig... we packed a snack on the fly, had a potty party and hustled out to the car for a trip out to Nanny's house. I'd hopped they'd doze off,  but nope. Arrived, helped build a rock warning edge around the sheer cliff that ends their back lawn, then went swimming. Or rock picking. It was a combo, really. The waterfront at mom's is beautiful but rocky and slippy sharp. So we dug out a little pool for the kids to play in, heaving rocks to form a wall.  Elliot wouldn't go any deeper than his hips and Felix, who wasn't in a life jacket, launched himself in up to his face, fearlessly lapping at the salt water. Next time, I'll re-think the flotation device distribution. (We only had the one, since I'd forgotten ours at home. Bummer.)

Rocky pool

Water baby

Popsicle boy

They both napped on the way home, briefly. Hopefully there's an easy bedtime tonight. And if I wasn't already 447 over my calorie count today, I'd be prying open a bottle of wine. I may, yet. Mmmmm. Should probably hop on the treadmill first. 'Cause I've learned the hard way not to do it the other way around.

Cheers!

Get this girl some prozac!

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!




Tuesday May 17, 1994


Sunday night I cut myself. My wrist and arm are a mess. I knew I wouldn't die (I wanted to) but I liked the pain. All of the cuts are on my right arm. There was one cut on my left wrist. R saw it & asked me if I had "cut myself". I lied & said I had cut it at work. I don't know if she believed me. Probably not. I really don't care if I die or not. Everyone says it would be horrible to get AIDS or something and die, but I couldn't care less!


Last night, R apologized for getting on my case about my wrist (imagine if she had seen the other one!) I kept lying and saying I didn't do anything. She said she would be so mad if I did. I was gonna tell her, but... oh well. She's been keeping things from me. She asked D to the prom and didn't tell me until4 days later & even then it was because I asked her if she was gonna ask him.


Then, a few weeks (or days!) later, they decided they weren't gonna go. R didn't tell me. I forget how the subject got brought up, but I know she didn't volunteer! She won't tell me anything about it, either. Me & her are supposed to be best friends... but we hardly ever talk. Must be my fault. Seems like all my relationships are like that.


See ya.
Rainy

Boys and balls

Sunshine, lawn bowling, bocci and boys

Two down.

Well. Here we are, already into week 3 before I get a chance to fill you in on week 2. And what a week it was!

Monday I was still thinking I was dying of a tumour, so we skipped driving to the park (in case I crashed) and went to a local playground instead. I took the double stroller but the boys walked the whole way. We started at the playground of an elementary school, one they hadn't been to for at least a year. There were 2 other daycare groups there and a soccer match happening on the field, so it was a loud place. Luckily, the daycare had a huge number of chaperons so I felt fine letting the boys (ahem, Elliot) run free without me being right next to them. I love the innocence of children. But after the 3rd not-mine child came pulling on my leg and asking for help with the monkey bars or whatever, I started rethinking the whole 'stranger awareness' conversation timeline. It needs to be sooner. It's already started but not in detail. Yet. I don't want to scare them, just let them know that they shouldn't talk to other people without their parent or teacher with them. That other grown ups aren't allowed to talk to kids unless the parents or teachers are there, too.

Tuesday we tried something new. And fun! Exciting, even!! A tour of the harbour plus a free drumming show as part of the Jazz Festival. On a giant themed boat - Theodore Tugboat, to be exact. So thrilling! Look at the excitement!

Then we actually got on the boat and Elliot discovered we weren't going inside it, just on it. And it didn't talk. And it was full of other kids and their care providers. And it was loud. And cold and raining. And then he started sobbing. Loudly. "Turn the boat around. I want to go hoooooome." Would have broken my heart if I didn't know it was mostly crocodile tears. I figured he'd get into the swing of things as we got underway so I dug out the snacks (and I swear we'd just snacked, not 30 minutes previous!) But once the snacks were gone, the crying and whining resumed. And when Felix, who has to do everything his big brother does, started up too, I wanted to toss them both overboard.

nom..nom...*WHINE*...nom...

So we hung out in the back of the boat, while everyone else went up front for the drumming demonstration. Elliot perked up once the crush was gone. He said the crowd made him sad. My sweet little introvert.

It was so slippery and dangerous. They loved it.

Wednesday we went to the library and yet again, I have pledged to never take them back again. They love to chase the pigeons out front. In opposite directions. At the same time. So who do I chase first? The one headed out to the street or the one headed into the group of beggars? Keep in mind how friendly these  kids are. They tell anyone everything. So with all the running and not listening and tearing of library books (true story) and deliberate running away, yet another day ended with me cutting the trip short and coming straight home. Where we found some lovely stumps waiting for us to play with! Pretty tippy but they make great hurdles when on their sides.

Thanks, Nanny Jane!

Thursday. Ahhhh Thursday, where have you been all my life? I had on-site visits with clients so I got a sitter and away I went. Toot toot chugga chugga - my red car! Managed to fit in the groceries and also went shopping for some fun new underthings. Guess what? The girls are now half a cup away from being pre-pregnancy size. Only took 6 years to get there! Go me!

Friday potty training restarted in earnest. After my panicked post, a friend emailed me with the instructions for the 3-Day Method I'd been eyeing up. It was pretty much what I'd already planned to do - nekkid time and lots of drinks. (Alcoholic for me, please!) This method said to put him in underwear, which we did on Saturday. Nekkid Friday gave him opportunity to see things in action. A big step for us is that this method says no diapers or pull ups for naps or night. Hubby read the manual and is highly supportive and was the brave one to implement it during that first nap. So far so good. Mornings he wakes up wet, but he still managed to sleep through half the night that way!

Oh, and Friday we made granola. Felix insists on calling it granola bars.

Saturday, Elliot and I ran errands. It was so nice being out of the house. And with a kid who can hold his bladder.

And Sunday, well... we brought out the BIG SURPRISE for Felix's birthday party next weekend. We needed to give it a test run to a) make sure it worked, but mostly b) to have the novelty wear off a bit. Elliot is in such a jackass phase right now. Constant pushing and hitting and growling. All the attention to Felix with the potty training (which is freaking working, by the way!!!) plus a growth spurt and cabin fever from being stuck in the house for nearly a week after 2 weeks' worth of constant outings is making him more beastly than usual.

So here we are in the 3rd week. And I'm not a lush yet, which is some kind of awesome! Please send calming thoughts. My nerves are pretty tight and due to the no diaper thing, Felix has been getting up at 5:30. And Elliot must just sense that his brother is getting more attention again, because he's not far behind. *yawn*


**Follow our summer! Read week 1 here. 

Potty Pity Party

Potty training makes me cry.

Seriously. I hated it with Elliot and am terrified of it now. Thanks, El.

Felix is registered in Elliot's preschool for September. That's 6 weeks away. But if he's not out of diapers, he can't go. It's a lot of stress and pressure on both of us. Well, on me since he doesn't care or even know what's going on. Realistically, he's not ready. But I'm pushing through. And he doesn't care, doesn't get it. Oh, he's excited when he goes on the potty, but mostly because he gets an M&M.

We're 2 weeks in. Initially, I was putting him on the potty every hour or so, letting him run around in underwear or pull ups - but we were going out a lot and he was mostly in pull ups (he loves them, doesn't like wearing diapers anymore). So I got lazy and he just went with it. Being wet or messy doesn't bother him. He often doesn't even recognize anything has happened - he'll get up off the potty and be totally surprised at the contents. Must have just magically appeared. The potty fairy did it.

Now I'm planning to spend the next 3-4 days at home, him pantsless, loading him up on drinks. I hope he catches on. I hate it. It gives me anxiety and I wonder if it's even worth it. But then I look ahead to another year of having them in different daycares and that makes me even more anxious. Coordinating multiple pick ups with different centre closing times in different directions just plain sucks. And, even more stressing, since I've already withdrawn him from his old daycare, chances are slim he'll have a spot again. And waiting lists can be lengthy. Ugh. UGH! In happy news - but also falling firmly in the stress camp if September doesn't work out - I got into my course! Skipped straight to second year, too.

So I spent this morning looking up various 3 day training methods online, most of them cost $$$ but my mind thinks maybe I just need to do that... but then I kick myself for being frivolous. Meanwhile, the livingroom looks like a kill scene from Dexter.

So I'm taking a break and emotionally stuffing my face and he's parked on the potty in front of the TV. Sure, the seat will catch anything, but the TV zombie won't notice a single thing, other than Elmo. I should really rethink this. I just need one breakthrough, one request to go to the potty, a smidgen of notice before he hoses the floor. Anything!

Ok, sage mamas and brilliant readers out there... what would you do in this situation?

Meat is cruel

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!


**Ok, so I was going to post about the full day I spent with M and his family, but in re-reading it, I nearly fell asleep. It was soooooo boring! I carefully detailed every minute of the day, where we went (to visit his grandparents, and their house was swarming with cousins and aunts) and what we ate (sandwiches, donuts, licorice, Reece's Pieces, chips and tea), what we did (some kissing and 'I love yous' and also, H curled her bangs)... So I won't post in it's entirety, but there were a couple of interesting bits...

Sunday, March 6, 1994

DD,

...

I stayed at the house with his aunt and his grandmother. I didn't know what to say so I stayed in the living room staring into space! When M got back, he made himself lunch (I didn't want any, mainly 'cause  I wasn't hungry, but partly 'cause I don't eat meat. This is since Thursday, when there were 6 deer under my bedroom window eating out of the garden & John (stepfather) wanted to shoot them. I've decided it's too cruel to eat meat.)

***I didn't eat any red meat - I ate some chicken and fish - for the next 7 years. Whenever I'd have a taste of steak or a burger or something, I'd feel sick to my stomach. It was only when Jay and I started dating that I came around again. I barely researched it. I know I wasn't fully vegetarian, but no red meat for most of my teen years was a big factor in my anemia back then!!
...


Then we ate supper. We had pizza and it was loaded with meat. I picked it off & left it in a pile. I was too embarrassed to tell them I don't eat meat!!

**I remember he asked me about it later, said his parents were wondering if I didn't like the food, that I should have said something because it was a waste and I could have had something else. 

Tuesday, March 29, 1994

DD,

I'm in the tub right now. I just got back from the movies... me & M saw "Grumpy Old Men". It was hilarious. The only major disappointment, was that me & M didn't kiss, hold hands or ANYTHING! He chose where we sat & it was smack in the middle of the cinema!! (At this point I knew nothing was gonna happen.)

Anyway, my water is getting cold.

Lovies, 

Rainy

Thursday, April 21, 1994

DD,

Me & M have been going out for 6 months and 1 week. He came over yesterday. 

My life is a mess. I've been between depressions so often now. I started crying on the phone with R the other night. 

I am such a mean, selfish person!! I really don't like myself. I'm trying to change.

Love, Rainy

The Library

He stole away to a quiet location, made himself comfy and filled his diaper. Yeah. Potty training not going so well.

They've got rhythm!

I've had headaches for the past month. Weird ones, like a combination of caffeine withdrawal and a sinus infection. But, since I haven't had any caffeine in an impressively long time - beyond infrequent decaf coffees, that I suppose could have been switched out on me by mistake, that and ok, frequent chocolate  - and there's been no sinus congestion or even a runny nose, I'm stumped. I thought maybe it was dehydration and upped my water intake. Had 2 pain free days, then yesterday happened.

There is something extremely heavy taking great pleasure in crushing one side of my face. My nose, teeth, eye socket, chin and even the top of my skull throb with every breath, with every pulse through my veins. I look in the mirror and am surprised my eyeball isn't bulging or leaking blood. I'm taking extra strength ibuprofen with minimal relief.  Sleep gives me more relief - until I get up again, that is. So no sleep during the day, as these goofballs keep needing my attention!

Since it came on so quickly, I'm channeling Arnie and declaring it not a tumor. And since it's lasting so long, I'm going to declare it not an aneurysm, either. (Though I did some research this morning. Apparently they can start slow. *Backs away from Dr. Google*) There's minimal sinus congestion or leakage, but I'm using my cursed neti pot anyway. There does seem to be a blockage on the painful side. Maybe there's a growth in there. Or a dinky car? Crayon? Play dough?

Since I'm such a sharing person, I wanted to really let you experience what I'm going through. Please, turn your speakers up loud and press your face right up against the screen.  Enjoy! (Direct link)

One down.

So I'm patting myself on the back and pouring a stiff drink for making it through the first week of summer vacation together. The week was jam packed full of activities and outings, an attempt at setting a rhythm. And still, far too much TV. But hey - I was hung over that day.

Took both boys to a birthday party today. One of Felix's daycare buddies. The rotten weather forced us all inside a small room at the beautiful playground. The kids ran and screamed and tustled over the meager toy offering. Most of the other parents had a waaaaay more relaxed way of parenting than me. Very big on letting the kids sort it out themselves - something I'd love to do if all our altercations didn't end up with someone biting or shoving or bleeding. Of course, when it's my 5 year old wailing on your 3 year old, you change your tune pretty quick. Elliot has been all about break downs and baby talk lately. Makes me want to stab scissors into my eardrums. But I'm gritting my teeth, mastering the art of deep breathing and trying to keep my cool. It was just lovely today when someone commented on how tricky it must be having twins. Apparently Felix's height coupled with Elliot's emotional stuntedness puts them on par with each other. Oh we're rocking that look.

Felix doesn't want to let go of his 2s. Every day brings a new battle, a sustained piercing shriek of rage whenever things don't go his way. And face it, when you're 2-going-on-3, most things don't go your way. And apparently not at 4-going-on-5, either.

Monday I had to take Elliot to a follow up session with the psychologist who did the testing last year and determined him to be in the 99th percentile for cognitive development. And a year behind, emotionally and socially. We were looking to get him re-assessed before he hits school in September. But really, we can see the parts that have changed. And the ones that remain big pink elephants. He was playing with some magnetic blocks in the last few minutes. And they weren't cooperating. So they deserved a fiery death. And much blaming of me for breaking them. The psychologist said, "So dealing with frustration is still a problem."

No shit, Sherlock. My kid all but dented your coffee table with his frustration. Tell me how to fix it.

She offered a few suggestions, like giving him more words to describe his frustration, coach him through it, let him know it's ok, offer snacks or hugs or distractions until he's calm enough to re-attempt. Feels like we're slapping a bandaid over an exit wound, but we'll keep trying.

Despite this outburst, we've decided not to test. We can see where he is. If he struggles at school, we'll look at another assessment then. But for now, we'll just keep on keeping on. Besides, these sessions are $160 per hour. Increasing to $180 in August. Yep. True story.

Monday afternoon was cloudy, so we spent it in the backyard with a pile of books. And a clump of baby spiders that just wouldn't die, no matter how much gunk I sprayed at them. Oh no, boys, it won't hurt them. Only makes them sleepy so I can toss them in the green bin their new home.

Tuesday brought a trip to the library. The boys are finally starting to behave there, which is a relief. They both sit down, pull a stack of books over and just read. I love it. The deal is we have to go upstairs first, to get my books. Then we can spend the rest of the time in the kids' section.

We also went to the doctor on Tuesday, as Felix has broken out into spots again. And again, the verdict is "just a virus". But I have my doubts. We couldn't get in to see our regular doctor, but she saw us in the waiting room and came over for a minute. When she saw the spots, a mere 6 week after the last outbreak, she suggested allergy testing. So we'll go back to her next week for the referral. Will likely take months to get in to the specialist, but at least I'll feel like we're doing something, that all these elimination diets will be validated. Eggs are the most recent culprit. *sigh*

Moo

Ahhhh Wednesday. We took in the waterfront. Got (non-dairy) ice cream. Watched a million dead jelly fish float by. (Eeeew!!) Had a picnic lunch on the living roof of the Farmer's Market. Went to the playground. And that night, I went drinking. Only a bottle of wine between me and a girlfriend, but hooooo boy. It did me in.

Spent Thursday at home, eating bread. Hooked up a Netflix free trial and let the boys rot their brown little eyes. Tried to be adventurous by pitching the tent in the backyard for nap time, but it was too new and exciting and the road work across the street was distracting. I dozed while they tried to flip the tent like a hamster wheel. Yes, I was in it. No, they weren't successful. That time.

Friday we went to visit my mother-in-law who hasn't seen the boys in a while. They raided her husband's workshop and dragged miscellaneous lumber all over the yard, making roads and ramps that were quickly abandoned due to the heat of the day. We were able to take some of the pieces home, so now there's a stack of wood (still) in the back of the car, awaiting a home in our backyard. Good times. We also did necessities, like groceries. We can eat again! I love a well stocked fridge.

Since we got the Netflix, I also found a secondhand Wii to hook it up to the TV. Until today, the boys had never experienced video games. Holy crap, what have we done? They are maniacs. Now there's one more screen to limit. Though, it was cute to watch them learn how to use the controller as a steering wheel (the actual wheel is fickle and doesn't work so well...)

Since we're now (supposedly) home all summer, potty training Felix has begun with a vengeance. The first few days, I bribed with mini-marshmallows. A week in, he still doesn't get it. Still no mind-body connection. But I'll keep pushing, keep bribing. If he can at least get to the point where he realizes that he has other bodily functions than eating or spitting and that his penis can be for something other than pulling on, I'll be happy. More or less.

The latest bribe is a cutesy toilet full of M&Ms. He's awfully excited when he gets to pick one out, so maybe it will inspire becoming one with the pee.

Here's to another good week. Please. Imma gonna pound back a jello shot, rock some yoga and go to bed. I need my strength.

Oh goody!

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!

Wednesday February 23, 1994

DD

I did a dumb thing last night. I was shaving my legs, then I started to cut my wrist. I don't remember why. I just did it! I'm not depressed. I feel fine.

Why.

Love, Rainy

Thursday March 3, 1994

DD,

It's M's 18th b-day today. he hasn't called me yet. It's almost 9:30. I wonder if I should call him*. He said he'd call.



(*Edit - yeah, because we all know how likely I am to do that!)


For my birthday, M got me a make-up travel bag. Oh well, no roses or ring. I love it anyway!!

~Rainy

Waterfront Wednesday

Pirates say Arrrrrr!!! Or at least, "You stink, I hate you."

Dwarfed under the wave

Splashing good time!

Zonked. Note the now cut off pants. It was that hot.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!


Sunday, February 19, 1994

DD

M came up yesterday. We went for a long walk up the Perry Road. First we went down by the river. We were throwing snow in (almost threw Jennie in, too!) The we walked W-A-Y up the Perry Road, past our house. We saw a deer. It was really neat because right before we saw it, M said he wished he could see one!

Jennie was with us for the whole walk (2 hrs). So me & M didn't kiss. We held hands, though.We came back home and mom made us make (ok-ok, help with making) supper. After supper, we played Josh's nintendo. Then his parents came. We kissed g'bye right in my room. It was great! (The kiss, I mean!) It was the longest one yet. I felt weak all over. I wish we'd kiss more. Now doesn't that sound dumb!! I could change when we kiss. (If I have enough nerve!!)

He kisses really good. I remember the first time he came over and we went for a walk. We were either just about to kiss or had broken away for a second. He said he didn't kiss too good. I didn't answer him. I probably should have. What if he thinks I agree? I most defanitly do not agree!!!

(Note - I still have trouble spelling 'definitely'... had to spell check it for this entry, in fact!) 

 I could probably kiss him forever. That would be a dream come true! I wonder if we'll do anything other than kiss? I can't really imagine us... well, touching & stuff. I read about it in books & see it on TV, but I still can't imagine it actually being reality. I'd probably freak & freeze up if we started anything... then most likely I'd of blown my chance.

I suppose I better be going. 

Love, Rainy