There's no place like home.

In this moment, I am struggling.

My course for September is full, without me in it. So now I'm wondering if this is fate. If I'm meant to be doing something else. Or if all the pieces will fall into place and I'll get pulled from the waitlist.

The boys are playing happily together upstairs right now, but no one is napping, which of course means mama ain't napping. (How sad is it that spell check recognized "ain't"??) Why is it always the day I need a nap the most that they simply refuse? My temper is already short. This isn't helping. I know their napping days are numbered, Elliot rarely does anymore. But my goodness, he really needed it today.

In addition to being a dairy and soy free family (and a caffeine-free mama who should also be sugar free) we are now supposed to be gluten free. This is intimidating and frustrating and leaves me wondering what we'll be able to eat. And hoping that we get to witness all the positive health changes quickly to make it all feel worth while. Felix has nasty eczema patches on the tops of his feet that won't clear up. He had specialist appointments last week - one for his hemangioma (it's fine, still wait-and-seeing) and another for his ears (which aren't fine - still full of fluid, despite no more ear infections since coming off dairy in March. Follow up in October, plus another hearing test. To their surprise, he passed the last one. I'm suspicious it's because Elliot was in the room too and might have been supplying involuntary, non-verbal clues during the testing). During both appointments, he pointed to his feet and told the doctor to check them because they hurt. Poor boy. We got some prescription hydrocortizone cream, which is proving to be somewhat helpful on the red spots. But now gluten's got to go.

Creamed for 5 days and still red and crusty.

It's faded so much! And lookit those eyelashes. He's such a beauty!

I  find myself snapping at boys frequently, with unrealistic expectations for their behaviour. Felix is in a run away phase. I hated it with Elliot and handled it badly, but convinced myself it was due to the post-partum depression and the fact that I had to cart around - or abandon - a baby to sprint after the runner. But no, I'm learning I just handle it wrong. I yell and threaten and grab at arms and plunk his struggling, screaming body into the stroller as punishment. He came stupid close to being hit by a car over the weekend. To the point he was actually touching the car when it stopped. (Not the fault of the driver, not really.) Another time he chased some pigeons out into a busy grocery store parking lot. Often he willfully runs away, though many other times he's just not paying attention. I think part of this comes back to those blocked ears. He's not paying attention because he can't hear properly.

Already today, I've snapped at Elliot multiple times, "When I tell you to stop touching something STOP TOUCHING it! Now." Doesn't matter what it is, the phone, computer, car, neighbour's car, the cat (I also told him that if she scratched him, I wouldn't do anything. He chases her and picks her up and teases her. She's old and cranky as it is. She has and will scratch.) And he's taken to shouting these things back at me, too... "Mama, I asked you and then I told you and now I'm gonna make you get me some ice cream!" *sigh*

I've misplaced my Cupcake book. Might be for the best, but I would like to find it. I searched Elliot's room in case he'd pilfered it, being enamored of it as he was. Nope. I hope it didn't end out at the Curb.

I'm looking forward to Thursday when we have a home visit from the Calm Parenting specialist. I'm hoping she can give me some tips and suggestions on simplifying our home to make things calmer over the summer. Because yeah, only 4 more daycare days between now and next week. Then they're both home with me for 2 months. Yesterday I was looking forward to it. Today I'm not.

Then again, today 'I'm not' a lot of things: energetic, caring, rested, coping. I would like to start over, please. Do they make ruby red slippers for that?