Do you understand?

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!




August 8, 1993
DD,

I saw J again today. We were at Carla's, watching the slides (pictures) fr. the camping trip. Me & J didn't really talk. We sorta exchanged smiles & that was all.

I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately. I've read a few books in which people have "done themselves in". When I read about it, I can sympathize with the victim. I understand 'WHY'! It's scary. I think this is the start of another depression. I'm getting good at these. They only show on the inside.  Me and mom have been fighting lately. She doesn't understand that I'm growing up. I don't wanna fight with her. I love her. There. I said it. I haven't for 3-4 years. I can't. I won't. She'll get all weepy  & say something dumb so I'll wish I never said a thing.

I feel like crying as I write this. I've felt like that a lot, too. But I just can't bring myself to cry. I wish I had someone to talk to. But who? Not mom. Or my friends. They wouldn't understand. No one could. Besides, I don't even know how to start or what to say.

I wish I was dead... or... I dunno. NOT HERE. I'm gonna leave as soon as I can. I'd take off now, but I wouldn't know where to go. Mom would be so mad. She wouldn't understand.

I wish I had a boyfriend. Or someone! I feel all alone. Maybe I should get a shrink. Maybe not. I have so many emotions inside I can't let them out. They're so jumbled now I can't tell what kind they are. If I'm not careful, they'll pop out & no one will understand them anymore - I'll just get in trouble. But they're eating me inside. Causing depressions. Causing suicidal thoughts. I'd better stop writing & got to bed before I do something.

Love, Rainy