Naughty or nice?

Merry Christmas!

Highway antics

Things I learned (and may want to forget!) on my solo road trip with the boys...

Peeing on the side of the highway will never get old.

"I have to poop!" is NOT what you want to hear while driving after dark, when it's snowing.
And "I'm sorry, our washroom is out of order" is an even worse thing to hear.
I convinced the gas station attendant to let us use the washroom anyway - I brought the potty chair in and bagged out waste. Eeew. But so much warmer/cleaner than the side of the road.

Night one, the boys will only get 8 and 9 hours of sleep apiece. And I will have to curb my homicidal tendencies.

Co-sleeping with 3 and 5 year olds is far different from when they were babies. And not at all enjoyable when one is kicking you in the ribs and the other has a death grip on your neck. This will result in 4 hours of sleep for mama. Which  does nothing to curb those homicidal tendencies.

Shy boys will hide in the basement during the holiday party, venturing upstairs long enough to steal food from the buffet and bump into as many of the 60-odd people milling around as possible. They will want me with them at all times.


Barenaked Ladies' snappy hit "One Week" will be swiftly passed over in favour of Offspring's pounding anthem The Kids Aren't Alright. Though it will be remarked that, "He's not singing the words very well."

"I will not nap, not EVER!", especially when accompanied by crossed arms, a pouty snarl and a foot snap means nothing after 45 minutes in the car. All bow down to the car, Queen of Nappage.

There's nothing like sleeping in your own bed.

Christmas Concert!

My Arctic Fox!    ^ ^  Video

Too much anxiety.

Girls have lasagnas

A collection of funny/strange/weird things I've heard or said over the last little while. Ok, mostly heard. And posted on Facebook.

Felix, playing an animal guessing game: "Mama, are you a whore-a-vore?"
Me: That's herbivore. And yes.

Elliot: MOVE your issues OFF the road!!!!!
(To Felix, whose dinky car was moving too slowly on the new race tracks.)

Elliot: I'm going to do a dance I learned back in the good old days when people didn't watch TV.

Me: Stop wiggling. Go pee!
Felix: I can't. I'm scared.
Me: Of what? Go pee!
Felix: I'm scared of pigs.
Me: ????
*He has started saying this at daycare too. I have no explanation for them.

Me: Feel how soft these sheets are - it's like sleeping with bunnies!
Felix: But they don't have ears. Or mouths. Or feet.

Felix: Look at my WOODY!!!!!
Me: Yes, those are nice Toy Story underwear.

Me: Ok, the muffins come out in 30 minutes.
Elliot, calmly: Jesus, how long is that?
Me: What did you call me? I'm mama.

Me: Do I have to toss you guys outside? Settle down!
Felix: Toss me outside? Don't toss me outside, I might get hurt!



I even dream vividly about people saying crazy shit:

Felix: Girls have lasagnas and boys have a penis!

Sawyer, from Lost: Who are you supposed to be, Whora The Explorer?

~~
And tonight, about a week after the lasagna dream, Felix spits out this gem while getting ready for bed:
"Boys have a penis and girls have nectarines!"
I nearly choked laughing.

Snowface

More from the first snow fall.

My dear internets...

It's been far to long since I sat down and wrote you properly. October really hit me hard. Left me battle-scarred, a bit limpy, but intact. Considering that we're now in December, it's about time I made it through.

I've always battled mood swings, dark times when the sun goes away. But it's never truly interfered with my life - I could always make myself get up, get dressed, put on a happy face and keep my shit together. Until this year. There were a record number of down days, culminating in several where I simply couldn't push myself to pretend anymore. There were lots of tears and much anger.

I drank a lot. Ate way too much. Gained 10 pounds. Saw my therapist. Saw my doctor. Saw my naturopathic doctor. Got a haircut. By-passed the anti-depressants for a regime of vitamins and supplements. And you know what? I'm on day 15 of a mostly good mood. Energy is wavering now, but that first week? I was on fire! I won't entertain the idea that this is just a new face for mania. I. Will. Win. This. Round.

Today we took the boys to a small pond with nature trails in the middle of a rocky forest. We ran. Sailed stick boats down a brook. Laughed. And it was nice. It's been a long time coming.

Thank you for sailing with me.

Lots of love,

Rainy

The last waltz

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, December 4, 1994

I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I haven't smoked for a week, but and all week since, i've had a really bad temper & I've gained weight... I'm always starving. Although this all could be P.M.S.

I went to the "Last Dance" Fri. night. It was awesome! MM went... towards the end of it, GW asked him to dance with me. He said no, and ended up leaving the dance about 10 min. before the last waltz. I danced the last slow song with a really nice guy named TS. He's really hilarious! - he's friends with MF - 

All night, a group of us were fast dancing with him & his friend M. During a slow song when i was sitting on the floor is front of the bleachers, (trying to work up the nerve to ask MM to dance - his was sitting on the bleachers), TS and MF grabbed me & dragged me out on the floor - I was kicking & screaming - they both started fast-slow dancing together with me in the middle. It was really fun, but they had to stop 'cause a chaperone was looking at us.

Then during the last song, C (R's cousin) and his really big friend K kept following us. C asked if anyone wanted to dance - there was a chorus of "no"'s. Then TS came up & started talking to us. My back was to him, & he told C he was here to bug me. Then he picked me up & carried me out on the dance floor. We tangoed and he dipped me to the floor, he threw me around and everything! His friend M and his girlfriend were next to us & TS yells out "Tag Team Dancing!" him & M slapped hands & switched partners! I ended up dancing with M - then they switched back & somehow ended up dancing with eachother! Me & M's girlfriend AC just stood there shaking our heads! It was really fun! When we were "dancing" Ts told me to "just wait 'til the prom!!" I told him I was moving. He was mildly fascinated. 

Anyway, gotta go,

Love, Rainy

Ok, so this TS guy, he was always a hoot. Probably still is. I'll tell you this now, because the diary runs out before this, but when we moved home from out west, TS saw me walking down the street and (he claims) nearly drove off the road because "Holy shit, she's back!".  And he pursued me. And we dated for several months. But he was still hung up on his ex. And I wouldn't go all the way with him - went waaay far enough as it was; skipping school to hang out practically nekkid in his bed all afternoon - and so he broke up with me. And then called me a month later to apologize and tell me he'd made a mistake in not respecting me. But by then it was too late, I'd wised up. It was my first taste of empowerment. He taught me a lot, in retrospect. Thanks, TS!

 

Photo by Elliot

 

School pictures!

"I dunno about this...cheese?"

Beer smuggler

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, November 27, 1994 

Well, we had our "last" party today. It was pretty cool. We had over 100 people in & out all day. I started cleaning up at 8:30 and finished at 9:45... but that's without doing dishes! 

Only one friend that I invited came, AS. She smokes, but didn't have any...I gave her my last little bit of JS's. Then later, me & Min&Meg  (Min & them all came with their families) went for a walk to have a smoke... I was a "good girl" and only had one drag off of AS's. Min offered me one, but I had no way to pay her back. I hardly ever smoke, Once in a while I'll get a craving for a smoke, I've only had 2 cigarettes and a few drags all year! Tonight when I was "cleaning" there was a half empty beer bottle... I poured it into a cup & smuggled it upstairs... 'twas good, but I drank it too fast & it made me feel kinda sick.

All in all it was a cool party. Some of the adults were toking weed in John's shop. John was with them. I dunno if he did any, Meg walked into the room looking for her mom, & saw someone pass the thing t'John, but he said he'd pass on that one, this time. 

Oh well,

Anyway, 

Love Rainy

Man, I was trying so hard to be cool and fit in. I remember this party, it was fun and loud. I don't have any concrete memories of AS, though. Can't picture her, don't remember being friends. Weird. Min&Meg, I do. They were the first kids my age I met when we moved to that community, when I was 8. They had a Welcome Wagon and they staged a surprise party for us, new to the neighbourhood and all. I was out in the yard and looked up to see car after car pull in the driveway. Good times.

Let there be snow!

Winter is here.

SAD

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

thursday nov. 24, 1994

dd

if i were to die, would anyone notice? i really am such a pain. i bother everyone. no guys like me. R is pissed at me. it's a wonder why anyone talks to me. i wish i'd never been born. i wish i was dead.

love,

rainy

Hmmmm, a little too close for comfort. Not that I've been this bad as of late, but there are parallels. I can't help but notice the date. Even at 15, I must have been effected by SAD. I saw both of my doctors this week. My family physician prescribed an antidepressant. I really don't want to go back on them, so I went to see my naturopathic doctor. I see her again in 6 weeks and if I'm not feeling better by then - after my new protocol of D vitamins, adrenal-support, iron and GABA supplements, plus close attention to diet, exercise and sleep - then I may start the ADs. Until then... wish me luck. And peace. And patience. And happiness. So far so good...

New hair. It's helping.

Pirates do Arrrrrrt!

Smoking hot

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Wednesday, November 23, 1994

DD,

Well, I started smoking again. Yesterday at noon, me & R were walking downtown, behind a guy who was smoking. I started craving a cigarette. I hadn't had one since Halloween - it was a relapse or something. Anyway, R told me it was dumb and I squelshed the urge to smoke, but in math class (last class) CS had a bunch (4) of cigarettes. He kinda waved them at me. I mentioned that I hadn't had a smoke since Halloween, he said he couldn't give me one of his, but that JS would probably "loan" me one. I said that he wouldn't, so CS yells out to JS "Do you have a smoke for Rainy?" I've never heard a class get so quiet before!! Everyone was looking from JS to me! And then everyone started asking me if I smoked. JS kinda caught my eye, not believing that I wanted a smoke. (He probably thought I was gonna give it to CS or someone.) I went over to JS's desk. He kept askin' me if I smoked, then KA, who sat in front of JS, rubbed my arm and asked what I'd do to get a smoke (on the bus that morning, he'd said me & him should go to a cheap motel for a couple hours!) JS asked KA if I really smoked. KA said that I had before. (At the party) So JS gave me one! Then, all the guys in the class started yelling to JS to give them smokes & they threw money at him!


*Where the heck was the teacher, you might be wondering. No idea - probably still in the room while a bunch of underage kids were trading cigarettes in his class. I think he was scared of us, certainly very intimidated. His face was red most of the time, he spoke very quietly and cleared his throat every 3 seconds. Not the best pick to be in charge of a bunch of teenagers.
 
I came home and and went for a walk. I inhaled really deep & felt sick, but oh well. I still have some of it left, (I heard a car so I had to put it out to finish later.) 


No one mentioned anything about me smoking at school today. CS was about the only guy who talked to me. He's really sweet. He's REALLY funny. In math, he kept blowing me kisses. I've kinda liked him since last year. 


I'm not sure if R knew about me getting that smoke... she never said anything but was acting kind of mad.


Well, better go.
Love
Rainy (or as KA calls me... Amos)


I like:
CS
JS
sorta KA 


They're all in my math class; CS and JS are in my homeroom, & KA goes on my bus... plus, they're all friends! It seems like they there's a connection between all the guys I like!
*Of course, since any guy who looked at me or talked with me caught my eye and I also assumed they must be in love with me, it's not surprising all the guys I knew and liked also knew each other! Small town and all. When KA made the crack about the motel, I treated it as a big joke, even though inside I was thrilled and wanted to do it. I never believed anyone about anything, figured it was all a big joke on me, that if I went along with anything, somewhere along the way, the lights would come on and everyone would jump out, jeering and laughing at how gullible I was. There are still so many elements to that in my life. Sad.
eg I also like MF & MM. They're friends with Dd, who is friends with JS & KS. CS & KA are good friends, they used to live close to each other before KA moved. K is in KA's homeroom! They're are a million connections! It's eerie!
Nevermind!
G-night!
~Rainy
(Amos)

Rock Climbing

A day late... but this outing yesterday brought a much needed smile to my heart. 

Radio Silent

When I'm in a bad place, I blog about it.

When I'm in a really bad place, I go radio silent.

My moods are all over the map lately. But mostly in a downward plunge. To the point that I've gone back to my counselor. To the point that I've got an appointment with my family doctor set up soon to talk about meds. I'm stuck on the last train to crazytown and they've already collected my ticket.

So I promise to be back here, blogging my heart out just as soon as possible. Until then, stay tuned for photos of family life and random crap.

Scarlett

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, November 13, 1994

DD,

Well, we're moving to B.C. next month. Anywhere after the 8th we'll leave. I don't want to go. Sure I do want to go, but not now. I'll come back with my liscence (license) but that's about the only good thing.

Dad took us to Shelburn today. We saw the movie set. ("The Scarlett Letter") They were filming today so we saw everyone in con costume.

See ya!

~Rainy

**I should get my hands on pictures from touring the movie set. We went multiple times, it was quite something to see!  It was the first time (in my memory) that a major movie was filmed in the area. There have been lots since. I remember going for the casting call. Didn't make the cut, but so many friends and extended family members did.  That theatre was PACKED when the movie was released. My uncles were excited as they were part of a fight sequence and got to see themselves on the big screen. But when it was released to video (1995, remember!) it had been chopped off at the sides. Shoulda gone with widescreen!

Lost in the wilderness

Porch Monster

I'm too hyped up on sugar to write a real post.

But I just had to share this picture of my boys in all their Halloween finery, under the Porch Monster that hubby created.

Pure Awesomeness

 But let's look a bit closer, shall we... Felix is off doing his own gymnastic-y thing, but some key details are being overlooked...

The samurai is all YIEEEEEEEE!

And the vampire's all VLAUUGHHHHHH!

Just try to keep a straight face while looking at this. I dare you. Hubby and I have been giggling like school girls since I downloaded it and zoomed in. It really does capture the essence of their relationship. Well, minus the samurai sword about to lop off kiddo's head. Those are usually only figurative.

So I'm going to lurch myself up to bed so I can keep my hands out of the boys' treat bags. I promise.
Until next time, catch up on our past Halloween's here, here & here

Baby Lust: a vlog.

SO sorry for the delay!!! But here it is, my vlogging debut!



I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Monday, November 7, 1994
*contains bad words and a destructive cat tail.

For reference: Kaleb Andrew and ShayLeigh. The hell?

Hubby always knew I wanted kids. Lots of them. The deal was, we'd start trying as soon as we got married. And so we did. I showed him this diary entry years ago and he was all, "Whoa, crazy chick." Yep, that's me. And then I did become a mom and got hit with the PPD stick and that made me even more crazy, in a different way. Parenting and stay-at-home-mommying didn't turn out like I'd imagined, but I also can't imagine life without our boys. Who have perfectly normal names. Not that Kaleb Andrew is bad... but ShayLeigh? Really??!

Typical day

vlogging

So Flashback Friday has been postponed this week, due to laziness. Mine, not yours. (EDIT: A week late, but here it is!)

I dragged my feet yesterday then cracked open the diary around 11pm last night. Saw a 6 page entry and promptly went to bed. Tonight I had the bright idea to try a video blog for the first time. I found a quiet hidey hole (well, except for the cat, who managed to bump the screen at one point) and read the entry. But I haven't been able to get it uploaded. Forgive me - I know you're just dying to find out what was going on in my 15 year old head. I'll give you a hint: babies. With WTF names.

I hope to have this sorted out by morning. Until then, this is how I spent the rest of my day today:

Covered in chalk...

My driveway - aka racetrack, temple, sidewalk, zoo and camera store.

And a place where animals get funky.

Even stuffies got in on the outside action.

Playdough.

Rar.

Celebrity crushes

So I have a thing for Pacey.

Ok, ok.

Source

But Joshua Jackson's smoldering Peter Bishop makes me melt. The chemistry between his character and Anna Torv's Olivia is intense. The fierce protectiveness he has towards her, the tenderness. It makes me ache. After each episode, I'm left wanting more. More emotion, more development. The not-quite unrequited-ness of it tears at me. I dream about it.

Which probably isn't a healthy thing. It's an addiction, drawing me into the program, giving birth to the characters, bringing them to life all around me. ...But I'm going with it.

This crush is different from the lust I have towards Johnny Depp. Yes, it's cliche, but Captain Jack Sparrow makes me swoon. It's not often I am overwhelmed with the urge to lick someone. And that spark flickers in all of his character portrayals, no matter how oddball.

Source

I told hubby last year if he dressed as Jack Sparrow for Halloween, I would toss the boys and the candy out in the street and we would cancel trick-or-treating. He was tempted, I'm sure. But maintains that he's not going to stoop to that level. Ever. And by that he means that the "Sexy Pirate" costume is everywhere and overrated. And so he won't. But I can dream. And come on - he's already got the hair going for him! Add in that drawling never-may-care accent and I'll puddle right then and there. BTW, that offer still stands, honey.

Source

Jeff Goldblum. Now that's one you probably wouldn't expect. But he's got that same fierceness, a dark magnetism beneath the surface, and I'm captivated.

Source

Benjamin Bratt. *drool* I was a wavering fan of Private Practice until this season... then he joined the cast. He's been on my radar for years. And now he's front and centre. Makes me happy. And a bit weirded out because sometimes he reminds me of my dad, who is of French-Acadian decent, dark toned and oft mustachioed. (And who is a reader of this blog - let's all say HI to Rainy's dad!)

I'm trending, I know. Tall, dark and ruggedly handsome. With layers and often severe character flaws. But it's the devotion, the near worship of their female counterparts, that makes me quiver. The rawness that seeps out. Makes me feel like I'm right there, that it's all for me.

Give all those writers and directors a hand. They have hit their target market. Well done. And thank you. More, please. Me thinks I watch faaaaaar to much television.

But now, I'll go cuddle up with this guy - my best and lasting trend.

*mwa*

Down by the Bay

I'm taking the Pledge

I know I shouldn't. I know it's terrible. I know there are always more sides to the story. But I judge. The baby in the stroller with the propped up bottle or the sugared donut? Yeah, I'm looking at you. The skanky looking girl at school? Yeah you. The preppy looking mamas in the school yard? Yep, you too.

It starts of simple enough. A side by side comparison. Me vs them. And it usually ends one of 2 ways - I'm bitter and depressed because I don't measure up or I'm smug and high-horsey because I make out smelling like roses.

And this needs to stop. Not only is it petty and mean, but it makes me paranoid. If I know I'm judging everyone else, then why wouldn't they be judging me?

So I'm taking the Mom Pledge. I am holding myself accountable, both online and in person. We are all doing the best we can, under the circumstances that are doled out, no matter what they might be. That baby with the bottle? Well maybe they were running late for an important appointment and it was the only way to feed the child and arrive on time. Or that donut or sugary treat was their first! Or a weekly treat. Or a reward. And I've gotten to know that girl at school. She's one of the smartest in her class. The preppy mamas? Well, ok, maybe they're putting on a show for everyone else because they feel judged when they show up in lulus. Or whatever.

It doesn't matter. It stops now.

Take the Pledge with me!

I am a proud to be a mom. I will conduct myself with integrity in all my online activities. I can lead by example.

I pledge to treat my fellow moms with respect. I will acknowledge that there is no one, "right" way to be a good Mom. Each woman makes the choices best for her family.

I believe a healthy dialogue on important issues is a good thing. I will welcome differing opinions when offered in a respectful, non-judgmental manner. And will treat those who do so in kind.

I stand up against cyber bullying. My online space reflects who I am and what I believe in. I will not tolerate comments that are defamatory, hateful or threatening.

I refuse to give those who attack a platform. I will remove their remarks with no mention or response. I can take control.

I want to see moms work together to build one another up, not tear each other down. Words can be used as weapons. I will not engage in that behavior.

I affirm that we are a community. As a member, I will strive to foster goodwill among moms. Together, we can make a difference.

Rainy falls in with the bad crowd

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Tuesday, November 1, 1994 

I went to the party & had a blast! It ended up being at M's aunts camp. Someone brought hash. Everyone there (M, J, TS, KA & B) were "toking". They heated up the burner on the stove & pryed it apart with knives. B cut up his hash (M, J & TS were "scared" cause the pieces were so big.) I dunno what they did next, but they then inhaled the fumes or whatever with a plastic water bottle that they had the end cut off. TS toked a really big piece & she started coughing & stuff. J was laughing at her (J was kinda high) then TS started shaking & twitching all over. She was almost having convulsions. JC&BC were there at this time (they left soon after; & MB & HB showed up, too.) JC carried T outside & me & BC & JC stayed with her, talking to her & stuff. She wouldn't answer, she nodded yes or no. We were out there for about 15 min... it was cold!

Then JC carried TS upstairs & layed her on the bed. When he came back down, him & BC left. JC said to keep an eye on TS... since everyone was "happy" JC got me to do it. (I was the only one besides them * MB & HB... at that time... who wasn't/hadn't toked."

I sat down on the couch & was listening to everyone talk... B had this piece of string... it looked like a shoelace, and he kept playing with it; making it talk, etc. KA found it hilarious! (It was only funny in the way that everyone else found it funny. Then we heard a loud thump from upstairs. Me & KA ran up to check TS. She had fallen off the bed & was shaking & jumping. (It scared me!) KA eventually went back downstairs & I stayed with TS 'til she came 'round enough to go downstairs. (about 15 min)

We went down & sat on the couch. KA sat beside me to "keep me company". He asked if I was ticklish & started tickling my feet. I over-exagerated how ticklish I am & MB got mad cause he was trying to roll a 1/2 joint/smoke & we were shaking the couch.

KA had come over before the party. He helped with supper/dishes. When he was "wrecked" he said that he had "super sucked up to  my parents" and that he'd been "dying for a smoke" so that's why he'd helped out.

Mom & John came & got me at 10:00. When I got home, my eyes were right bloodshot & my voice was high (nerves, excitement.) They probably thought I was high... but the only thing I did all night was have 2 drags off cigarettes (TS & BC). Cigarettes don't really affect me, probably 'cause I don't inhale. 

Last night, when everyone else was out trick-or-treating, I smoked my last, stale, 1 month old cigarette. It was gross. I inhaled twice & started hacking. Yesterday on the bus, KA apologised for me being bored & not having fun at the party... But I did have fun!! Lots of it! I was happy just leaving the house! KA also said I have a very loving family... his parents always fight. He said he wasn't sure if he liked my family, 'cause he'd never seen a really "loving" family like it before. I wonder about my "family". I don't like it, yet everyone else seems to. 

There's a line in a song by Neil Young** that goes "she never let her roots down." it made me really think about how I treat my family. I used to say my family embarassed me... I'm just embarassed at myself. I do have a good family. I can't say they're strict with me, cause I do get to do so many things (party, dances) I wonder do I embarass my family? God, I hope not!

**For YEARS I hated Neil Young, couldn't stand listening to his music. I was because of KA that I started listening again - he thought it was cool. I just thought mom's music was dumb - lots of bad memories at the time. But very nostalgic now!

I've got a good family & great life. I've got to work on my personality. I'm a real bitch.

Anyway,

Love, Rainy

Ooooh boy. Lots going on in this post. I still remember that party. I still find the shoelace bit kinda funny. I am still freaked out by TS's seizure thing. I am glad I had the experience, glad I had the presence of mind to not get myself in trouble. But wow. What a night. As a parent, I hope my boys will be strong enough to stick to their guns. I was offered drugs that night and said no. And my decision was respected. I am thankful that my "bad crowd" was essentially good. I am still friends with one person from the group.


I did get a bit maudlin there, at the end, didn't I? Apparently it pissed me off later, as penciled in at the end of this entry, dated March 1995 are these words: Aw, fuck off! So darling of me. 

 Christmas 1994? 1995?

Driftwood

Giving Thanks

Took a road trip this weekend. Drove longingly past wineries. Lunched at a playground. Found a pumpkin patch on the side of the road and pulled away with 4 pumpkins, fresh off the vine and an assortment of small, bumpy gourds, smelling of crisply of autumn earth. Turned off the highway an hour before our official exit and took the back road, past houses and farms and parks that were part of childhood trips. Visited my elementary school, drooled over the new playground equipment. Maneuvered ever so carefully over the potholes on the old road, pausing to recall so many years ago. Arrived, well past expected, at my aunt's on the lake. Unloaded, ate, and then watched the boys play tag well into to the darkness, rolling like puppies, wine in hand.

Industrious.

Breakfasted the next morning with my step-father and siblings. We weren't expected and neither was my brother, so it was a fun surprise all around. The boys needed to burn off energy before the big meal, so we found a rocky shore, smelled the salty air, climbed and explored. Dinner was a huge affair, with over 40 aunts, uncles, cousins. Vodka soaked cranberries. Delicious.

Pensive.

A jump of 25 degrees had us sweating in our long sleeved shirts and flannel pajamas. But allowed for freedom - exploration of the lake, the woods. My father came to visit, coffee in hand; walking through the vibrant changing leaves, the junkyard heaps, the air thick with wasps.

Bouncy boys.

Large net strung between the trees. Not photoshopped.

The boys didn't want to go, their cousins didn't want to say goodbye. Back in the car, weaving through remarkably light holiday traffic. Heavy police presence. We made better time, arriving exactly one minute under estimate. Unloaded, ate, soaked up the relaxation of home, wine in hand.

Sleepy and late start today, then into the bustle of work and school. The happiness of the weekend spilling out of them, staying with them. Elliot in particular kept with him the magic, the calmness of the weekend. For this, I am thankful. For friends and family, good food and tangy wine, I am thankful. Tonight's air dropped 20 degrees, smelling vaguely of snow. I guess I can be thankful for that as well.