Sweet loser.

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Friday, October 21, 1994

Well, R's "guy" D, it turns out, has a girlfriend! He wasn't gonna tell her, either! (One of his friends asked him where his girlfriend was when he was with R!) I was not impressed! When R told me, I was so mad!

KA is a loser, but a really sweet one! He smokes dope, is a skipaholic (school), he smokes, drinks and lives to party! I don't think me & him could be anything but friends. I think he likes this girl, Christine, in our math class. They're always goofing off. I hate her. (**No idea who this girl is, no memory of a Christine!) She's really pretty. KA is so sweet. He's funny and nice but he's the exact opposite of me. All his friends do drugs (marijuana).

Drugs are EVERYWHERE in the highschool. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one not doing them.

I don't think he likes me. How can you tell if a guy likes you? It's so confusing. Why do I always like such -bad- guys? I'll see KA on the bus Monday. He'll usually sit with me or next to me. Maybe I'll be able to think up something to talk to him about!

Love,

Rainy

***I especially love how I had to do asides in my own diary... (school, marijuana) but then, I'd grown up in the country. Big bad town school was a bit of a culture shock!