Life is dumb

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Tuesday, September 20, 1994

**And 12 years later, Elliot was born!

DD,

I feel like shit, I wanna die. I'm in a fight with every-one. I want a hug. I want to cull curl up and sleep. I want to cry. I'm sick... my head is all stuffed up. I have to take some really big pills to stop my period cramps & get rid of P.M.S. Lucky.

School is ok. We get to go downtown at noon. K is still a gorgeous asshole. Dd is still cute... he stares at me in the hall. I haven't heard anything from or about M yet. Mom wants me to be friends with him. I don't know. I'm confused. Why don't guys like me? What's wrong with me? Am I really ugly or fat? I don't think I'm pretty or thin but my friends said say I am. But, like a friend would really put me down. Ha! That's my job.

I really want to die or something. Run away, lock myself in a mental hospital... Anything!

Life is dumb.

~Rainy