Sugar and Ice

Hi, my name is Aimee and I'm a sugar addict and compulsive eater.
It's been 4 days since my last binge/chocolate-fest.
I've always felt that if one could make it 3 days, then the worst of the cravings would pass. I'm sure I read that somewhere, there was some sort of scientific backing to it, even.

Well, not so in my case. Today the cravings are parading through my body. It's no coincidence that the boys are being absolutely beasts. Just borrowed a friend's puppy and bundled everyone up and out for a walk around a nearby pond. For the love of bunnies, those kids! There were long stretches of time when I lost sight of the boys entirely. Someone would come by and make cutesy faces at the adorable puppy and ask me all sorts of questions about her. After a while the line, "No idea, just walking her for a friend!" in response to any query started to feel old. All the while, I'd be craning my neck to catch a glimpse of Felix, waving his mask from behind a rock (yes, they were in costume again!) or Elliot, as he tried to break the ice on the pond with a huge stick.

One runner stopped and looked at me expectantly. No idea what she wanted, but she did it again on her second pass around the pond (we were still somewhere around the halfway point) while I tried to herd boys and puppy away from the ice and boulders and back onto the path. Puppy has a sore leg, so I couldn't drag her with me into the bush to retrieve the kids. I could only stand there and threaten them with "No more TV! If you don't get back here this instant... I mean it... 1!... 2!....3! That's it, mister!" Oh yeah. So effective.

It's probably also no coincidence I only just now realized I neglected to take my meds this morning. Whoops. Right back...

Ok. Now where was I?

Yes, in retrospect, I realize that taking the cooped-up feral creatures - and a new puppy - to a walking trail where we usually do a huge chunk of off-roading and hide&seek play by myself was a silly idea. I thought that the boys would be excited to walk the dog, we'd skip around and be back to the car within 30 minutes, which isn't such a tall tale when 2 adults are involved. As it was, we got the puppy back to her home an hour later than we'd planned.

Live and learn, right? If only these pesky cravings would go away. Hubby is sequestered in the basement, working on a time-sensitive project. He has until 8am tomorrow. So I'm juggling the household. Again, not a huge deal. But I'm usually doing it with massive amounts of chocolate on board.

I was reminded, multiple times, about an event in my own childhood, today.

It was the month before my 5th birthday. My sister, who was 3.5, and I got into our snowsuits and went down to the river behind out old farm house to feed the ducks. I was carrying an ice cream container full of grain. We lived on a river, near the narrow bridge that joined two communities. The current was fast, but it was cold enough that ice had formed near the riverbank. We grew tired of tossing grain to the ducks who were too cautious to come close to us, so out on the ice we went. CRACK! We both fell through. I had learned to swim the summer before, and managed to drag both of us out. Panting on cold, dry land, I noticed that the feed container was floating away. Fearing we'd be in trouble for losing it, I jumped back in to save it. The ducks were swimming around, still out of reach. How I made it to shore, I'll never know. The current should have whisked me and my heavy one-piece snowsuit away. I can still see the white container, twirling and bobbing downstream. But I nabbed it, and triumphantly, we trudged back up to the house. Mom was on the phone with someone about the fox that kept getting into the chicken coop and she dropped the phone with a shout as we came through the door.

The fact that we were so little and alone by a river for who knows how long - and apparently with permission! - baffles me. The boys kept toeing the edges of the ice today, making it crack. But the banks were steep and they slipped and there were wet feet when we eventually made it back to the car. For them it was fun. For me - moments away from a panic attack!

So... here I sit. Still wanting chocolate. Chips. Ice cream. Sugar & fat. But no. I can't. I'm an addict. I have a disease. And I need to take control.

Knowing these peanut butter balls are in my fridge helps me not at all.

Late late late

My goodness, I keep abandoning this space. I don't mean to, I want to write - really, I do! But life and boys and random crap keeps getting in the way. Hopefully 2013 will be my year again. I miss it here.

Halloweening

Running

Chaos inducing

Teaser pic

I just have to share... Felix was selected to do a bit of modeling for a local boy's accessory shop. I just received this sneak peek tonight!

You know, until I had kids, I never really understood that expression, "Eat them up with a spoon!" Forget the spoon, I just want to chew him up, he's so stinkin' cute!

On being away.

I miss this space.

I miss pouring out my thoughts.

I promise to come back.

I've been saying that almost daily for the past 6 months.

But in particular for the past 6 weeks, since I've been single parenting as hubby is away for work.

He's back in 2 weeks.

I doubled my meds this week.

We're all surviving.

Medicated mama

So it begins again, peeps.

Last week found me fragmented and out of control as I bent over a fallen Felix, furiously slapping away at his feet and legs. He had pushed all my buttons that morning. And found a few news ones.

Morning are never easy, and we have new Time Rules in place to help guide us out the door.

I hate 8:15

That morning, Felix ran away from me. Our house has a circuit in it, living room flows into the dining room which is off the kitchen which shares the hallway with the living room. Nearly impossible to catch a fleeing child. And when I finally did, he kicked and screamed and struggled. Like trying to stuff an octopus in a bathing suit. I'd finally get one leg in the snowsuit and he'd yank it right back out. He eventually broke free and tried to hop away but tripped on the bottom step and fell into the closet. I knew he was trapped, so I bent over to stuff him into the snowsuit. And he kept kicking. So I started slapping. And couldn't stop. I finally pulled myself away and stood in the middle of the hall with my face in my hands, both boys looking at me. Felix wasn't hurt, but he was scared. And so was I.

But that was my "point"; when I finally had to fully admit that I couldn't keep on by myself, that all the Happy Light therapy and caffeine avoidance in the world wouldn't be enough. Why I had to take this long to come to that conclusion, I couldn't tell you. It was well past time.

I want to step into this picture.

And so since then, I've had a couple of phone therapy sessions. And saw my doctor - where I was frank with her about everything I've been thinking and feeling and doing. And tonight... I start the meds again.

Since my doctors appointment, I've felt stronger. Calmer with the boys. More in control, despite the chaos that's been our life this week. Giving in to my need for help was freeing.

So... wish me luck. Or at least no adverse reactions. I've been on this drug before and was fine. So I should continue to be fine. (Coming off of it is another story completely.) But I'm also taking the boys on a mini-vacation by myself in 10 days. Or mostly by myself - I think my mom might come. Maybe I should double up on the meds? Or at least stock up on wine. Seriously, though, I'm looking forward to the down time with the boys. No schedules, just fun. Whatever they want to do. Could get interesting! Wheeeee!

Rashy

Source

Conversations with Felix

6:30am

Felix, to the cat: Melon, get off my mama.
Me: She was my first baby, sweetie.
Felix: And then you got Bailey?
Me: Yes.
Felix: And then you got Elliot? And me?
Me: Well, I made you guys.
Felix: You made me? Like a puzzle?
Me: No, I grew you, in a special place in my tummy.
Felix: You GREW me?
Me: Yes. Daddy planted a seed and I grew you. My belly got big and fat!
Felix: Awwwwww, I want to be a baby again. I want to be small and one.
Me: How come? You're my big boy and I love you!
Felix: I love you too, mama.

A few second later:
Felix: What's your name, mama?
Me: Mama
Felix. Noooo. What's your real name?
Me: Aimee.
Felix: Aimee. Ok. And what's daddy's name?
Me: Jay.
Felix: Aimee and Jay. Aimee and Jay. Aimee and Jay.

Oh boy! Let's hope he forgets this one, soon. I have a vivid memory of finding out my dad's name when I was around Felix's age. Mom had asked me to go down to the barn to get him for supper, so  I marched down there bellowing, "GILBERT!!!!" every few feet until he finally screamed back, "WHAT?????!"

Good times.

Hiding in the coatroom at the museum.

Viking Upstagers

Rocking out at the BAM Rally, where they charmed the crowd.

Slip sliding away

The month is slip sliding away from me again. Much like the transit bus that came very close to slamming into my office building today. Luckily for us, there was a telephone pole in the way. But the bus was wedged tight against the pole and the road was icy and it remained there, blocking half the street, floundering and sputtering.

Pretty much sums up my life at the moment. Making it through each day without actually going anywhere. I need to just give in and take the antidepressants, already.

I've not had any chocolate or caffeine for nearly 4 weeks. Since they both make me crazy, I figured my own brand of crazy would be more than enough to handle without adding to the mix. I thought I'd be able to feel a difference by now. I'm past the withdrawal phase; boy, that was fun. Now I'm just antsy and impatient.

And an impatient mama is not safe. My boys are awesome, brilliant, curious and full of life. I can't match them. I just end up screaming and they scream and then they fight and I scream more.

I don't like my kids a lot of the time now. Dread picking them up from daycare. Felix is exerting his independence, he needs to control every aspect of every situation. You can't give him choices - he'll just refuse everything and walk home in his sock feet through the snow. (True story.) And that walk home? Snails travel faster. I can be having the best day ever; congratulating myself for finally having a stable day... and then that walk home leaves me a quivering mess. I've started picking them up in the car; driving the 4 blocks because walking makes me want to hurt someone.


I've piled my plate high. A new office job, my own business, school, my direct sales business, home life... They're prioritized askew and the ones that should rank highest - like time for me (and my blog - helllllo, writing helps. I know this!!) and family crap, er, time are being squashed beneath everything else. I see it but cannot fix it.

Ok. New plan. Sleep at night. Actually GO TO BED before 10. By 9, even. Those boys like to wake up early, so get your sleep when you know they'll be asleep. Keep off the chocolate and caffeine. Pretending things feel no different than before is just the crazy talking. It is working.  Pare down, learn to say no. Stop taking on the responsibility of others.

Any other tips? 

That tricky monkey

Felix has a pet monkey. An imaginary monkey. It's mischievous. It lives in the trees and steals penises with which to decorate the branches. This monkey will pull your head off and poke out your eyes. But he's a good guy, a friend.

Felix actively looks for him on the walk to school. And talks to him. After bath or when changing his pants after a pee accident, he'll frantically try to dress himself before the monkey gets there. It started charming but has veered towards slightly alarming.  But all the questioning seems to show he's made it all up in his twisted little brain.

So we may have some sociopathic issues with this one as an adult.

Just another thing to look forward to in 2012! Happy New Year, peeps!

Naughty or nice?

Merry Christmas!

Highway antics

Things I learned (and may want to forget!) on my solo road trip with the boys...

Peeing on the side of the highway will never get old.

"I have to poop!" is NOT what you want to hear while driving after dark, when it's snowing.
And "I'm sorry, our washroom is out of order" is an even worse thing to hear.
I convinced the gas station attendant to let us use the washroom anyway - I brought the potty chair in and bagged out waste. Eeew. But so much warmer/cleaner than the side of the road.

Night one, the boys will only get 8 and 9 hours of sleep apiece. And I will have to curb my homicidal tendencies.

Co-sleeping with 3 and 5 year olds is far different from when they were babies. And not at all enjoyable when one is kicking you in the ribs and the other has a death grip on your neck. This will result in 4 hours of sleep for mama. Which  does nothing to curb those homicidal tendencies.

Shy boys will hide in the basement during the holiday party, venturing upstairs long enough to steal food from the buffet and bump into as many of the 60-odd people milling around as possible. They will want me with them at all times.


Barenaked Ladies' snappy hit "One Week" will be swiftly passed over in favour of Offspring's pounding anthem The Kids Aren't Alright. Though it will be remarked that, "He's not singing the words very well."

"I will not nap, not EVER!", especially when accompanied by crossed arms, a pouty snarl and a foot snap means nothing after 45 minutes in the car. All bow down to the car, Queen of Nappage.

There's nothing like sleeping in your own bed.

Christmas Concert!

My Arctic Fox!    ^ ^  Video

Too much anxiety.

Girls have lasagnas

A collection of funny/strange/weird things I've heard or said over the last little while. Ok, mostly heard. And posted on Facebook.

Felix, playing an animal guessing game: "Mama, are you a whore-a-vore?"
Me: That's herbivore. And yes.

Elliot: MOVE your issues OFF the road!!!!!
(To Felix, whose dinky car was moving too slowly on the new race tracks.)

Elliot: I'm going to do a dance I learned back in the good old days when people didn't watch TV.

Me: Stop wiggling. Go pee!
Felix: I can't. I'm scared.
Me: Of what? Go pee!
Felix: I'm scared of pigs.
Me: ????
*He has started saying this at daycare too. I have no explanation for them.

Me: Feel how soft these sheets are - it's like sleeping with bunnies!
Felix: But they don't have ears. Or mouths. Or feet.

Felix: Look at my WOODY!!!!!
Me: Yes, those are nice Toy Story underwear.

Me: Ok, the muffins come out in 30 minutes.
Elliot, calmly: Jesus, how long is that?
Me: What did you call me? I'm mama.

Me: Do I have to toss you guys outside? Settle down!
Felix: Toss me outside? Don't toss me outside, I might get hurt!



I even dream vividly about people saying crazy shit:

Felix: Girls have lasagnas and boys have a penis!

Sawyer, from Lost: Who are you supposed to be, Whora The Explorer?

~~
And tonight, about a week after the lasagna dream, Felix spits out this gem while getting ready for bed:
"Boys have a penis and girls have nectarines!"
I nearly choked laughing.

Snowface

More from the first snow fall.

My dear internets...

It's been far to long since I sat down and wrote you properly. October really hit me hard. Left me battle-scarred, a bit limpy, but intact. Considering that we're now in December, it's about time I made it through.

I've always battled mood swings, dark times when the sun goes away. But it's never truly interfered with my life - I could always make myself get up, get dressed, put on a happy face and keep my shit together. Until this year. There were a record number of down days, culminating in several where I simply couldn't push myself to pretend anymore. There were lots of tears and much anger.

I drank a lot. Ate way too much. Gained 10 pounds. Saw my therapist. Saw my doctor. Saw my naturopathic doctor. Got a haircut. By-passed the anti-depressants for a regime of vitamins and supplements. And you know what? I'm on day 15 of a mostly good mood. Energy is wavering now, but that first week? I was on fire! I won't entertain the idea that this is just a new face for mania. I. Will. Win. This. Round.

Today we took the boys to a small pond with nature trails in the middle of a rocky forest. We ran. Sailed stick boats down a brook. Laughed. And it was nice. It's been a long time coming.

Thank you for sailing with me.

Lots of love,

Rainy

The last waltz

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, December 4, 1994

I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I haven't smoked for a week, but and all week since, i've had a really bad temper & I've gained weight... I'm always starving. Although this all could be P.M.S.

I went to the "Last Dance" Fri. night. It was awesome! MM went... towards the end of it, GW asked him to dance with me. He said no, and ended up leaving the dance about 10 min. before the last waltz. I danced the last slow song with a really nice guy named TS. He's really hilarious! - he's friends with MF - 

All night, a group of us were fast dancing with him & his friend M. During a slow song when i was sitting on the floor is front of the bleachers, (trying to work up the nerve to ask MM to dance - his was sitting on the bleachers), TS and MF grabbed me & dragged me out on the floor - I was kicking & screaming - they both started fast-slow dancing together with me in the middle. It was really fun, but they had to stop 'cause a chaperone was looking at us.

Then during the last song, C (R's cousin) and his really big friend K kept following us. C asked if anyone wanted to dance - there was a chorus of "no"'s. Then TS came up & started talking to us. My back was to him, & he told C he was here to bug me. Then he picked me up & carried me out on the dance floor. We tangoed and he dipped me to the floor, he threw me around and everything! His friend M and his girlfriend were next to us & TS yells out "Tag Team Dancing!" him & M slapped hands & switched partners! I ended up dancing with M - then they switched back & somehow ended up dancing with eachother! Me & M's girlfriend AC just stood there shaking our heads! It was really fun! When we were "dancing" Ts told me to "just wait 'til the prom!!" I told him I was moving. He was mildly fascinated. 

Anyway, gotta go,

Love, Rainy

Ok, so this TS guy, he was always a hoot. Probably still is. I'll tell you this now, because the diary runs out before this, but when we moved home from out west, TS saw me walking down the street and (he claims) nearly drove off the road because "Holy shit, she's back!".  And he pursued me. And we dated for several months. But he was still hung up on his ex. And I wouldn't go all the way with him - went waaay far enough as it was; skipping school to hang out practically nekkid in his bed all afternoon - and so he broke up with me. And then called me a month later to apologize and tell me he'd made a mistake in not respecting me. But by then it was too late, I'd wised up. It was my first taste of empowerment. He taught me a lot, in retrospect. Thanks, TS!

 

Photo by Elliot