The last waltz

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, December 4, 1994

I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms. I haven't smoked for a week, but and all week since, i've had a really bad temper & I've gained weight... I'm always starving. Although this all could be P.M.S.

I went to the "Last Dance" Fri. night. It was awesome! MM went... towards the end of it, GW asked him to dance with me. He said no, and ended up leaving the dance about 10 min. before the last waltz. I danced the last slow song with a really nice guy named TS. He's really hilarious! - he's friends with MF - 

All night, a group of us were fast dancing with him & his friend M. During a slow song when i was sitting on the floor is front of the bleachers, (trying to work up the nerve to ask MM to dance - his was sitting on the bleachers), TS and MF grabbed me & dragged me out on the floor - I was kicking & screaming - they both started fast-slow dancing together with me in the middle. It was really fun, but they had to stop 'cause a chaperone was looking at us.

Then during the last song, C (R's cousin) and his really big friend K kept following us. C asked if anyone wanted to dance - there was a chorus of "no"'s. Then TS came up & started talking to us. My back was to him, & he told C he was here to bug me. Then he picked me up & carried me out on the dance floor. We tangoed and he dipped me to the floor, he threw me around and everything! His friend M and his girlfriend were next to us & TS yells out "Tag Team Dancing!" him & M slapped hands & switched partners! I ended up dancing with M - then they switched back & somehow ended up dancing with eachother! Me & M's girlfriend AC just stood there shaking our heads! It was really fun! When we were "dancing" Ts told me to "just wait 'til the prom!!" I told him I was moving. He was mildly fascinated. 

Anyway, gotta go,

Love, Rainy

Ok, so this TS guy, he was always a hoot. Probably still is. I'll tell you this now, because the diary runs out before this, but when we moved home from out west, TS saw me walking down the street and (he claims) nearly drove off the road because "Holy shit, she's back!".  And he pursued me. And we dated for several months. But he was still hung up on his ex. And I wouldn't go all the way with him - went waaay far enough as it was; skipping school to hang out practically nekkid in his bed all afternoon - and so he broke up with me. And then called me a month later to apologize and tell me he'd made a mistake in not respecting me. But by then it was too late, I'd wised up. It was my first taste of empowerment. He taught me a lot, in retrospect. Thanks, TS!

 

Photo by Elliot