Friday, January 20, 2012

Slip sliding away

The month is slip sliding away from me again. Much like the transit bus that came very close to slamming into my office building today. Luckily for us, there was a telephone pole in the way. But the bus was wedged tight against the pole and the road was icy and it remained there, blocking half the street, floundering and sputtering.

Pretty much sums up my life at the moment. Making it through each day without actually going anywhere. I need to just give in and take the antidepressants, already.

I've not had any chocolate or caffeine for nearly 4 weeks. Since they both make me crazy, I figured my own brand of crazy would be more than enough to handle without adding to the mix. I thought I'd be able to feel a difference by now. I'm past the withdrawal phase; boy, that was fun. Now I'm just antsy and impatient.

And an impatient mama is not safe. My boys are awesome, brilliant, curious and full of life. I can't match them. I just end up screaming and they scream and then they fight and I scream more.

I don't like my kids a lot of the time now. Dread picking them up from daycare. Felix is exerting his independence, he needs to control every aspect of every situation. You can't give him choices - he'll just refuse everything and walk home in his sock feet through the snow. (True story.) And that walk home? Snails travel faster. I can be having the best day ever; congratulating myself for finally having a stable day... and then that walk home leaves me a quivering mess. I've started picking them up in the car; driving the 4 blocks because walking makes me want to hurt someone.

I've piled my plate high. A new office job, my own business, school, my direct sales business, home life... They're prioritized askew and the ones that should rank highest - like time for me (and my blog - helllllo, writing helps. I know this!!) and family crap, er, time are being squashed beneath everything else. I see it but cannot fix it.

Ok. New plan. Sleep at night. Actually GO TO BED before 10. By 9, even. Those boys like to wake up early, so get your sleep when you know they'll be asleep. Keep off the chocolate and caffeine. Pretending things feel no different than before is just the crazy talking. It is working.  Pare down, learn to say no. Stop taking on the responsibility of others.

Any other tips? 

1 comment:

Holly said...


I know it's difficult leap to start taking the medication, but you have given it more than a fair try and you deserve to feel better about yourself, your boys, your life. There is no shame in making yourself feel better.
Love you!

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