Smoking hot

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Wednesday, November 23, 1994

DD,

Well, I started smoking again. Yesterday at noon, me & R were walking downtown, behind a guy who was smoking. I started craving a cigarette. I hadn't had one since Halloween - it was a relapse or something. Anyway, R told me it was dumb and I squelshed the urge to smoke, but in math class (last class) CS had a bunch (4) of cigarettes. He kinda waved them at me. I mentioned that I hadn't had a smoke since Halloween, he said he couldn't give me one of his, but that JS would probably "loan" me one. I said that he wouldn't, so CS yells out to JS "Do you have a smoke for Rainy?" I've never heard a class get so quiet before!! Everyone was looking from JS to me! And then everyone started asking me if I smoked. JS kinda caught my eye, not believing that I wanted a smoke. (He probably thought I was gonna give it to CS or someone.) I went over to JS's desk. He kept askin' me if I smoked, then KA, who sat in front of JS, rubbed my arm and asked what I'd do to get a smoke (on the bus that morning, he'd said me & him should go to a cheap motel for a couple hours!) JS asked KA if I really smoked. KA said that I had before. (At the party) So JS gave me one! Then, all the guys in the class started yelling to JS to give them smokes & they threw money at him!


*Where the heck was the teacher, you might be wondering. No idea - probably still in the room while a bunch of underage kids were trading cigarettes in his class. I think he was scared of us, certainly very intimidated. His face was red most of the time, he spoke very quietly and cleared his throat every 3 seconds. Not the best pick to be in charge of a bunch of teenagers.
 
I came home and and went for a walk. I inhaled really deep & felt sick, but oh well. I still have some of it left, (I heard a car so I had to put it out to finish later.) 


No one mentioned anything about me smoking at school today. CS was about the only guy who talked to me. He's really sweet. He's REALLY funny. In math, he kept blowing me kisses. I've kinda liked him since last year. 


I'm not sure if R knew about me getting that smoke... she never said anything but was acting kind of mad.


Well, better go.
Love
Rainy (or as KA calls me... Amos)


I like:
CS
JS
sorta KA 


They're all in my math class; CS and JS are in my homeroom, & KA goes on my bus... plus, they're all friends! It seems like they there's a connection between all the guys I like!
*Of course, since any guy who looked at me or talked with me caught my eye and I also assumed they must be in love with me, it's not surprising all the guys I knew and liked also knew each other! Small town and all. When KA made the crack about the motel, I treated it as a big joke, even though inside I was thrilled and wanted to do it. I never believed anyone about anything, figured it was all a big joke on me, that if I went along with anything, somewhere along the way, the lights would come on and everyone would jump out, jeering and laughing at how gullible I was. There are still so many elements to that in my life. Sad.
eg I also like MF & MM. They're friends with Dd, who is friends with JS & KS. CS & KA are good friends, they used to live close to each other before KA moved. K is in KA's homeroom! They're are a million connections! It's eerie!
Nevermind!
G-night!
~Rainy
(Amos)