SAD

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

thursday nov. 24, 1994

dd

if i were to die, would anyone notice? i really am such a pain. i bother everyone. no guys like me. R is pissed at me. it's a wonder why anyone talks to me. i wish i'd never been born. i wish i was dead.

love,

rainy

Hmmmm, a little too close for comfort. Not that I've been this bad as of late, but there are parallels. I can't help but notice the date. Even at 15, I must have been effected by SAD. I saw both of my doctors this week. My family physician prescribed an antidepressant. I really don't want to go back on them, so I went to see my naturopathic doctor. I see her again in 6 weeks and if I'm not feeling better by then - after my new protocol of D vitamins, adrenal-support, iron and GABA supplements, plus close attention to diet, exercise and sleep - then I may start the ADs. Until then... wish me luck. And peace. And patience. And happiness. So far so good...

New hair. It's helping.