I want roses

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!

Thursday February 17, 1994

DD

Well, I obviously didn't call M the other night. I chickened out & told myself to go to bed early. (like I was gonna sleep - I left the phone "on") M called at 9:00. I am such an idiot!

(Note: I think this fear of calling him, or the necessity of having him call me stemmed from my mother always telling me to let the boy make the first (& only) move. nice girls didn't. Or else I was just a socially awkward weirdo.)

M might be coming over on Saturday. I haven't seen him since the 28th of Jan... that's 3 weeks ago. If he can't come up Sat, then I'll see him the next Friday, which is my birthday. That would make it 4 weeks :(

Tonight he only called around 9:00 & we got off at 9:30. I remember one time we talked for 4 hours! Usually it's at least an hour. I hope nothings going wrong. 

I want roses. Ever since grade 5 my friends have gotten flowers & roses from their boyfriends. This valentine's day, most of the girls I saw had carnations & roses. I've never gotten flowers from a guy ever. I had secretly wished that M would get me some for valentine's day, but he's not a mind reader. I don't want to TELL him... I want him to think of it on his own. This will be interesting. 

(Spoiler: it was grade 8 before I got any flowers. And I still have them, all the petals of all the roses I received from 1996 to 2006, when Elliot was born, all stored in a giant vase on the mantle. I had read once about a woman who'd saved all the petals from the flowers given to her by previous suitors and had scattered them at her wedding. I wanted to do the same but realized as we planned our wedding in 2005 that it was a messy and slightly sociopathic idea. They're probably 75% dust bunnies by now.)

I'd also love to get a ring for my birthday (from M) I don't wanna say it 'cause it sounds greedy. Everyone asks me what I want for my birthday. R is the only one I've answered. I felt bad about it too! How am I ever gonna get what I want without asking or telling when I get the chance!?

God, I'm messed up.

Love, Rainy