School pictures!

"I dunno about this...cheese?"

Beer smuggler

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, November 27, 1994 

Well, we had our "last" party today. It was pretty cool. We had over 100 people in & out all day. I started cleaning up at 8:30 and finished at 9:45... but that's without doing dishes! 

Only one friend that I invited came, AS. She smokes, but didn't have any...I gave her my last little bit of JS's. Then later, me & Min&Meg  (Min & them all came with their families) went for a walk to have a smoke... I was a "good girl" and only had one drag off of AS's. Min offered me one, but I had no way to pay her back. I hardly ever smoke, Once in a while I'll get a craving for a smoke, I've only had 2 cigarettes and a few drags all year! Tonight when I was "cleaning" there was a half empty beer bottle... I poured it into a cup & smuggled it upstairs... 'twas good, but I drank it too fast & it made me feel kinda sick.

All in all it was a cool party. Some of the adults were toking weed in John's shop. John was with them. I dunno if he did any, Meg walked into the room looking for her mom, & saw someone pass the thing t'John, but he said he'd pass on that one, this time. 

Oh well,

Anyway, 

Love Rainy

Man, I was trying so hard to be cool and fit in. I remember this party, it was fun and loud. I don't have any concrete memories of AS, though. Can't picture her, don't remember being friends. Weird. Min&Meg, I do. They were the first kids my age I met when we moved to that community, when I was 8. They had a Welcome Wagon and they staged a surprise party for us, new to the neighbourhood and all. I was out in the yard and looked up to see car after car pull in the driveway. Good times.

Let there be snow!

Winter is here.

SAD

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

thursday nov. 24, 1994

dd

if i were to die, would anyone notice? i really am such a pain. i bother everyone. no guys like me. R is pissed at me. it's a wonder why anyone talks to me. i wish i'd never been born. i wish i was dead.

love,

rainy

Hmmmm, a little too close for comfort. Not that I've been this bad as of late, but there are parallels. I can't help but notice the date. Even at 15, I must have been effected by SAD. I saw both of my doctors this week. My family physician prescribed an antidepressant. I really don't want to go back on them, so I went to see my naturopathic doctor. I see her again in 6 weeks and if I'm not feeling better by then - after my new protocol of D vitamins, adrenal-support, iron and GABA supplements, plus close attention to diet, exercise and sleep - then I may start the ADs. Until then... wish me luck. And peace. And patience. And happiness. So far so good...

New hair. It's helping.

Pirates do Arrrrrrt!

Smoking hot

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Wednesday, November 23, 1994

DD,

Well, I started smoking again. Yesterday at noon, me & R were walking downtown, behind a guy who was smoking. I started craving a cigarette. I hadn't had one since Halloween - it was a relapse or something. Anyway, R told me it was dumb and I squelshed the urge to smoke, but in math class (last class) CS had a bunch (4) of cigarettes. He kinda waved them at me. I mentioned that I hadn't had a smoke since Halloween, he said he couldn't give me one of his, but that JS would probably "loan" me one. I said that he wouldn't, so CS yells out to JS "Do you have a smoke for Rainy?" I've never heard a class get so quiet before!! Everyone was looking from JS to me! And then everyone started asking me if I smoked. JS kinda caught my eye, not believing that I wanted a smoke. (He probably thought I was gonna give it to CS or someone.) I went over to JS's desk. He kept askin' me if I smoked, then KA, who sat in front of JS, rubbed my arm and asked what I'd do to get a smoke (on the bus that morning, he'd said me & him should go to a cheap motel for a couple hours!) JS asked KA if I really smoked. KA said that I had before. (At the party) So JS gave me one! Then, all the guys in the class started yelling to JS to give them smokes & they threw money at him!


*Where the heck was the teacher, you might be wondering. No idea - probably still in the room while a bunch of underage kids were trading cigarettes in his class. I think he was scared of us, certainly very intimidated. His face was red most of the time, he spoke very quietly and cleared his throat every 3 seconds. Not the best pick to be in charge of a bunch of teenagers.
 
I came home and and went for a walk. I inhaled really deep & felt sick, but oh well. I still have some of it left, (I heard a car so I had to put it out to finish later.) 


No one mentioned anything about me smoking at school today. CS was about the only guy who talked to me. He's really sweet. He's REALLY funny. In math, he kept blowing me kisses. I've kinda liked him since last year. 


I'm not sure if R knew about me getting that smoke... she never said anything but was acting kind of mad.


Well, better go.
Love
Rainy (or as KA calls me... Amos)


I like:
CS
JS
sorta KA 


They're all in my math class; CS and JS are in my homeroom, & KA goes on my bus... plus, they're all friends! It seems like they there's a connection between all the guys I like!
*Of course, since any guy who looked at me or talked with me caught my eye and I also assumed they must be in love with me, it's not surprising all the guys I knew and liked also knew each other! Small town and all. When KA made the crack about the motel, I treated it as a big joke, even though inside I was thrilled and wanted to do it. I never believed anyone about anything, figured it was all a big joke on me, that if I went along with anything, somewhere along the way, the lights would come on and everyone would jump out, jeering and laughing at how gullible I was. There are still so many elements to that in my life. Sad.
eg I also like MF & MM. They're friends with Dd, who is friends with JS & KS. CS & KA are good friends, they used to live close to each other before KA moved. K is in KA's homeroom! They're are a million connections! It's eerie!
Nevermind!
G-night!
~Rainy
(Amos)

Rock Climbing

A day late... but this outing yesterday brought a much needed smile to my heart. 

Radio Silent

When I'm in a bad place, I blog about it.

When I'm in a really bad place, I go radio silent.

My moods are all over the map lately. But mostly in a downward plunge. To the point that I've gone back to my counselor. To the point that I've got an appointment with my family doctor set up soon to talk about meds. I'm stuck on the last train to crazytown and they've already collected my ticket.

So I promise to be back here, blogging my heart out just as soon as possible. Until then, stay tuned for photos of family life and random crap.

Scarlett

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day (labeled "Bedtime Stories", I guess to dissuade snoopers??) and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

Sunday, November 13, 1994

DD,

Well, we're moving to B.C. next month. Anywhere after the 8th we'll leave. I don't want to go. Sure I do want to go, but not now. I'll come back with my liscence (license) but that's about the only good thing.

Dad took us to Shelburn today. We saw the movie set. ("The Scarlett Letter") They were filming today so we saw everyone in con costume.

See ya!

~Rainy

**I should get my hands on pictures from touring the movie set. We went multiple times, it was quite something to see!  It was the first time (in my memory) that a major movie was filmed in the area. There have been lots since. I remember going for the casting call. Didn't make the cut, but so many friends and extended family members did.  That theatre was PACKED when the movie was released. My uncles were excited as they were part of a fight sequence and got to see themselves on the big screen. But when it was released to video (1995, remember!) it had been chopped off at the sides. Shoulda gone with widescreen!

Lost in the wilderness