The house is clean. Dishes are washed on a daily basis, laundry is caught up, floors have been swept regularly - and mopped! The beds are made. Corners full of clutter have been purged and organized. The boys have been doing arts & crafts everyday - Elliot even wrote his own little story. They are happy, energetic, sort of less whiny. I love this transformation!!
And I'm starting to resent it all.
At the end of his first week home with the boys, dear hubby has whipped this place back into shape. He's a better stay-at-home-parent than I am. I always knew that - he spent about 6 weeks home with Elliot when he was 18 months old and they had such fun.
But I'm hurt. He makes it look so easy, effortless. Why can't I? From the time I was a little girl, all I've ever wanted to be was a mom. I never had any serious aspirations for a career. When we started planning a family, the idea was for me to stay home, being the crafty, super-awesome mama I figured I'd be, until the kids (4, if I had my way) went off to school and then maybe I'd get a part time job.
Post partum depression has a way of derailing all that. I never enjoyed staying at home. I never had the creative energy to keep the kids entertained. I never had the desire to keep a clean house. Oh, I wanted all those things, but couldn't find them within myself and it just seemed too hard to keep trying. My favourite part? The snuggling. I'd spend hours cuddling on the couch, napping and nursing all day when they were tiny babies. Ignoring housework and other responsibilities - it felt right. But then I couldn't make the proper transition into wonder-mom when they got older and the situation called for it.
I'm sure it's not the case, but I keep thinking that he's purposely showing me up. That he wants to rub it in that all these things can be done if I only got off my lazy butt and embraced motherhood. That it's his way of showing me what a slack-crappy job I've been doing. He says that's not the case, and Rational Brain knows that's likely true. But then he says he just wants to live in a clean house. ANd while that might not be a direct dig, it feels like it.
But I'm sure I'm just projecting all my self-esteem problem onto the situation.
So I'll keep my head down and keep plugging on at work. The toilet has been fixed! And we have a soap dispenser now. And a first aid kit. And a fire extinguisher. Still need heat, though. *sigh* And I've developed some sort of vertigo. Keep having spinning episodes. Usually happen when I'm sitting down, so that tells me it's probably not blood pressure related. Keeping tabs on this latest development in my health saga.... I need some sunshine. And a beach. With girly drinks. Stat!