Medicated mama

So it begins again, peeps.

Last week found me fragmented and out of control as I bent over a fallen Felix, furiously slapping away at his feet and legs. He had pushed all my buttons that morning. And found a few news ones.

Morning are never easy, and we have new Time Rules in place to help guide us out the door.

I hate 8:15

That morning, Felix ran away from me. Our house has a circuit in it, living room flows into the dining room which is off the kitchen which shares the hallway with the living room. Nearly impossible to catch a fleeing child. And when I finally did, he kicked and screamed and struggled. Like trying to stuff an octopus in a bathing suit. I'd finally get one leg in the snowsuit and he'd yank it right back out. He eventually broke free and tried to hop away but tripped on the bottom step and fell into the closet. I knew he was trapped, so I bent over to stuff him into the snowsuit. And he kept kicking. So I started slapping. And couldn't stop. I finally pulled myself away and stood in the middle of the hall with my face in my hands, both boys looking at me. Felix wasn't hurt, but he was scared. And so was I.

But that was my "point"; when I finally had to fully admit that I couldn't keep on by myself, that all the Happy Light therapy and caffeine avoidance in the world wouldn't be enough. Why I had to take this long to come to that conclusion, I couldn't tell you. It was well past time.

I want to step into this picture.

And so since then, I've had a couple of phone therapy sessions. And saw my doctor - where I was frank with her about everything I've been thinking and feeling and doing. And tonight... I start the meds again.

Since my doctors appointment, I've felt stronger. Calmer with the boys. More in control, despite the chaos that's been our life this week. Giving in to my need for help was freeing.

So... wish me luck. Or at least no adverse reactions. I've been on this drug before and was fine. So I should continue to be fine. (Coming off of it is another story completely.) But I'm also taking the boys on a mini-vacation by myself in 10 days. Or mostly by myself - I think my mom might come. Maybe I should double up on the meds? Or at least stock up on wine. Seriously, though, I'm looking forward to the down time with the boys. No schedules, just fun. Whatever they want to do. Could get interesting! Wheeeee!