Eternal Idiot

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me, typos and all!

 Monday, May 23, 1994 

I am a selfish, self-centered bitch. I wish I had been in the plane crash. I wish something would happen to ME. I am like a sponge for attention. I hate it. I just want a hug.

(My step father was the pilot in a plane crash the day before, with my sister and the neighbour's little boy on board. Engine failure on take off, they had only just cleared the trees before coming back down. Everyone was banged and bruised and a few stitches were needed, but all was fine, thankfully.)


Mom was talking with M's mom on Saturday. Of course they were talking about me & M. His mom said something along the lines of "M doesn't want a 'heavy, serious' girlfriend, he's not into hugging & kissing & that." Well, I am.

I wish M would loosen up a bit. See. I'm a selfish bitch.


M got his beginners license on Friday. I haven't talked to him since Thursday night. K & C came down for the weekend. They left today. I got my prom dress - long, black, lacey stuff. $72.75! It's gorgouse! Anyway, I dunno if me & M are gonna go. I don't want to lose him, but I'm still being selfish. I want a boyfriend I can talk to and not be shy or embarassed with. That's not M. I want someone to hold me a lot. (Basically. someone who reads minds & knows what I want before I do.)

**Sing it sister! Isn't this what every woman wants? Scary to see I figured that out at 15.

If I break up with M, I'll regret it, I know. I'll miss him telling me he loves me & his kisses & the times he does hold me. I'm in a no win situation. I hate it. At present, (hold up - at present???! Who says that?)  it feels like I don't have a boyfriend. I wish M would come over. I wish I could see him. He was supposed to come over onFriday. But he said he couldn't. (He worked in his basement & got his beginners & his tuxedo/suit for the prom.)


He was going on about how he wanted to see me so much & all that, then he said he couldn't come. He didn't call me last night. I suppose I cold have called him. I really shoulda... but the eternal idiot strikes yet once more!


Why is my life such a mess? Why am I such a terrible person? Shit it all. I need some excitement. I wanna smoke but I don't want to get addicted. I wanna drink bbut there's no way. Me (& K & C) tried to open a bottle of homemade wine Fri nights, but it exploded! The wine sprayed all over the walls of the pantry! We had to keep Jennie out so she wouldn't tell. I scrubed down the walls & sprayed perfume all around the room!


Anyway, see ya.
~"The Eternal Idiot"

Happy Birthday, darling.

This is a place holder for Felix's birthday letter. We're traveling and, though I have internet access, these clowns haven't been going to sleep until 9 or 10 at night, at which point I'm also blind with exhaustion - and rage. Go the F*ck to Sleep is right!

So, until I get myself together, please enjoy these photos of my baby. Who is somehow turning 3 today. Not possible.

And while you're waiting on me to get my shit together, go catch up on the first birthday post, last year's letter and his really long-winded birth story!

Old Time Fire Fighter

Don't worry, old chap, we got this.

Three down

Hmmm, let's see.... what happened last week? Well, a whole lot of sticking close to home. Potty training will do that to you. But we cautiously started to branch out a bit.

Monday we went to a playground up the street. Stopped at the coffee shop, got a muffin and a decaf. They played and ate, I watched and drank. Elliot used the potty that I'd so thoughtfully brought. Felix waited until we got home. Good boy.

Tuesday we were architects, project managers and construction workers, creating great works in the livingroom. Then we went to the playground down the street. Brought the potty there, too. All was great until a crowd of kids arrived (kids we knew, even - Elliot's old daycare class!) And Elliot couldn't handle the crush so he ran away, causing me to sprint after him in flip flops. I was not impressed. Home we went, crying all the way.

Doing "gymnastics" on top of the slide. So safe.

Wednesday we stayed in the backyard, playing bocci and bowling and reading books. At lunch time, Elliot said he wanted to make art with his food. I obliged.

Thursday. My favourite day! Sitter came again. I high tailed it outta here, went to the library to use their free WiFi, did some bookkeeping, had lunch with a good friend at one of my favourite restaurants then went for an amazing massage. So very nice.

Friday we ran errands and then spent the afternoon at my mom's. I was impressed with the boy's bladder control in the car. It was a relatively short trip, especially compared to the 3 hour road trip we're embarking on shortly. I'm spending the next 4 nights and 5 days at the lake with the boys by myself. I'm most worried about the snakes.

Saturday we ran errands and took the boys out for supper.

Sunday we celebrated Felix's 3rd birthday a few days early. The bouncy castle was a hit! And there was only a little bit of wrestling.

New bike!

So we've made it through weeks 1, 2 and 3. Week 4 might be the death of us.... I will have limited internets but will try to keep you all updated. Snakes and all. The next hurdle will be keeping Elliot bug-bite free. Otherwise we may end up in Emerg...

Elliot rocks the Vamp, Buffy style.

Ok. Here we go. In the car, everyone. Hi Ho Silver - away!

The one where he wasn't there.

There's nothing quite as heart stopping as running through the aisles in a store, calling frantically for your child who is no where in sight.

We went to Canadian Tire to buy a tent last night. Because in order to take the boys camping, we need something slightly more spacious than the old 3 person dome, especially when children turn into starfish as they sleep. The boys were in full wrang mode, it was late in the day and we hadn't had supper yet. I ran into a coworker and we chatted for a minute, the whole time I had one eye on Mr. Felix, who was running full tilt to the end of the aisle. I saw him turn the corner, yelled my goodbyes and went to head him off by running down the next aisle.

He wasn't there.

He wasn't in the next one. Or the next one. Or at the automotive desk at the end of that corridor. Or in their stock room. My voice got louder and louder, the staff seemed to just look at me dumbly. I thought I heard a far off voice call, "I have him", but I was in panic mode and didn't dare venture too far from where I'd seen him - what if he was hiding, giggling, and about to run out the front door if I turned my back? Or what if I'd imagined it and dropped my guard, just in time for some nefarious bad guy to smuggle him out the building? Finally, a staff member came over and asked if someone had gotten away from me. Um. Yeah. So he started looking, too. And getting other staff involved. Finally I found Jay.

And Jay had Felix. He told me he'd heard me yelling and called out that he had him but didn't want to keep screaming through the store. So he let me keep yelling and get the staff involved, I guess. Thanks, hubs. I ran back up front to tell the guy we had him, and then went back for details.

Jay and Elliot were in hardware when Felix came marching down the back wall. Little stinker doubled back when I cut over to the next aisle. He ran straight down to the back wall and then took off towards the farthest corner (so, diagonal to me), when he stumbled over the rest of his family.

He's taken off in stores before. There have been other 'holy shit' moments. But this one was the longest, I think. And yet again, I want to get out the toddler leash and tie him to me.

Thank goodness he has such a forgivable face.

Birthday cupcake. Nom nom nom.

Friday's follies

Taking the kids with me to the employment insurance office probably wasn't the brightest of moves. Not only did it showcase that I wasn't, in fact, ready and able to work that day, but they were rather disruptive. To put it mildly.

First there was the running away and down the corridor, peaking in on other meetings in session. They were quickly called back and harnessed into the stroller and fed snacks, but the damage was done. They had tasted freedom and nothing else would soothe those savage beasts. I had my conversation with a sweet little french-accented girl, er young woman. She told me (in between me snapping at the kids to "Eat it and be quiet and keep your hands on your own side!") that my weekly payments of negative eleventy five cents would just have to stop once my course starts in September, since I wouldn't be ready and willing and able to work anymore. Duh.

But there's another program I may qualify for, one which I thought I was going to talk to them about today. But no, it's run by an affiliated company down the street. I asked for their phone number, so I could set up a time, and the cheery lady at the front desk told me I should just pop in, it was so close! I motioned to the boys and might have muttered something about poo flinging, and she just smiled.

So we decided to stop in anyway.

The man at the desk called us all over, told the boys to pull up a chair, they happily obliged and I was cautiously optimistic that things would go well. So I chatted and went over a few questions and key points and was setting up a time when the chaos erupted. Complete with spinning chairs and battle cries. Another caseworker came out to shush them just as I turned around, eyes shooting laser beams into their little brains and they fell silent. Until it was time to leave and Felix didn't want to vacate his spaceship. And enter screaming pterodactyl boy. I actually crammed my hand in his mouth to stifle him as we fled.

Knowing they needed to burn off more energy, we stopped at a little green space on the way home and they ran, ran, ran and climbed trees. And fell out of trees. There was crying. And running away. The usual.

Home again home again jiggity jig... we packed a snack on the fly, had a potty party and hustled out to the car for a trip out to Nanny's house. I'd hopped they'd doze off,  but nope. Arrived, helped build a rock warning edge around the sheer cliff that ends their back lawn, then went swimming. Or rock picking. It was a combo, really. The waterfront at mom's is beautiful but rocky and slippy sharp. So we dug out a little pool for the kids to play in, heaving rocks to form a wall.  Elliot wouldn't go any deeper than his hips and Felix, who wasn't in a life jacket, launched himself in up to his face, fearlessly lapping at the salt water. Next time, I'll re-think the flotation device distribution. (We only had the one, since I'd forgotten ours at home. Bummer.)

Rocky pool

Water baby

Popsicle boy

They both napped on the way home, briefly. Hopefully there's an easy bedtime tonight. And if I wasn't already 447 over my calorie count today, I'd be prying open a bottle of wine. I may, yet. Mmmmm. Should probably hop on the treadmill first. 'Cause I've learned the hard way not to do it the other way around.

Cheers!

Get this girl some prozac!

I kept a diary as a girl, like many. I suppose this blog is my grown up version, also like many. I came across one of my old diaries while cleaning the other day and thought I'd share a few pieces with you, Cringe-style! As I flipped through it, I was saddened by the angst I was expressing, the cursing, the hating, the self-depreciating and self-harming, the need to be loved, to have a boyfriend, to fit in. But I'm glad I had an outlet, the presence of mind to write it all out. Of course, reading it now that nearly 20 years have passed, I am cringing at my words and want to grab hold of that 14 year old and give her a big hug and protect her from the world, and herself. She obviously needed it. I remember I destroyed a couple of my early diaries, from when I was even younger. Those are the ones I wish I had... this teen drama is still all too fresh in my mind. I'm implementing FlashBack Fridays. Come cringe with me!




Tuesday May 17, 1994


Sunday night I cut myself. My wrist and arm are a mess. I knew I wouldn't die (I wanted to) but I liked the pain. All of the cuts are on my right arm. There was one cut on my left wrist. R saw it & asked me if I had "cut myself". I lied & said I had cut it at work. I don't know if she believed me. Probably not. I really don't care if I die or not. Everyone says it would be horrible to get AIDS or something and die, but I couldn't care less!


Last night, R apologized for getting on my case about my wrist (imagine if she had seen the other one!) I kept lying and saying I didn't do anything. She said she would be so mad if I did. I was gonna tell her, but... oh well. She's been keeping things from me. She asked D to the prom and didn't tell me until4 days later & even then it was because I asked her if she was gonna ask him.


Then, a few weeks (or days!) later, they decided they weren't gonna go. R didn't tell me. I forget how the subject got brought up, but I know she didn't volunteer! She won't tell me anything about it, either. Me & her are supposed to be best friends... but we hardly ever talk. Must be my fault. Seems like all my relationships are like that.


See ya.
Rainy