Insanity

Ok, peeps - I need your advice/suggestions. Or possibly for someone to commit me to the loony bin. Or maybe, simply, just to tell me what to do. Or hold me while I cry.

First thing to get off my chest - which is not what I originally sat down to write about - is an update of sorts. Maybe weaning off my meds just as Felix fully embraced the terrible twos wasn't such a bright idea. Or maybe it was a brilliant one - what better way to test my mental fortitude than by being presented with a child who suddenly won't sleep, who screams when he doesn't get what he wants NOW, and who has multiple and long-lived tantrums every day?

Tonight was no exception. Picture it: our bathroom, 8pm (laaaaate for us). Felix doesn't want to get in the tub: Screams. Thrashes. Limp noodle. Jumping bean - smash goes your face! Felix is in the tub: The water - it burns us! Felix hates it. It is terrible. See how it splashes? This could be fun! Felix loves it! This is the best. thing. ever. Felix doesn't want to get out of the tub: Screams. Thrashes. Wet limp noodle. Jumping bean - smash goes your face! Add in rythmic face/feet pounding. And a diaper. Mama needs a drink.

Anyhoo.... back to the original situation at hand. I've applied to go back to school. In September. In addition to a 12 week course I've already signed up for 2 afternoons per week for work. In addition to working , I dunno, 1-3 days per week. In addition to working on my bookkeeping business. In addition to being a wife, mother and homemaker. In addition to having friends and a (HA!) life.

I'd be starting a Bachelor of Commerce program with a major in accounting. Originally, I planned to go on to get my designation as a Chartered Accountant, specializing in Forensic (Investigative) Accounting. It still interests me, but I'm not as set on it right now. Getting my B.Comm is more important, for the time being. That's what will help my bookkeeping business and open other doors and opportunities for me.

But am I insane to be doing this now? Am I crazy to think I can juggle such a long laundry list of responsibilities? It's not a light commitment, not by any stretch. I wouldn't have to do the program full time, but so far I don't know what is available as far as course load and class schedules. It's a 4 year program that I'm trying to get dropped to at least 3, thanks to transfer credits due to my previous schooling and life/work experiences. I'm not trying to kid myself into believing I can get it done in those 3 years - but hopefully within 5.

Too many decisions. Too many balls in play. Too much room for failure. Tell me what to do!

I want my mama.

Dear Felix

Today, you turn 2. How is that even possible? I love sitting and watching you play and interact with your surroundings. You constantly surprise and amaze me with your comments, actions and abilities. I keep thinking of you as a baby. Thinking that you aren't able to do the things you do.

The other night, you amused yourself for almost half an hour stacking some little square blocks. At first, when they'd fall down, you'd laugh and then scoop them up and start over. By the end, you were getting frustrated and would yell at the heap and then start stacking again. (This is a far cry from your brother who might make a second attempt and then if that didn't work, well, then the offending item would be scattered around the room while he spat and hissed and cussed at them all.) When it was time to go upstairs for a bath, you cried, because you were having fun, trying to master the tower.


You've been having trouble getting to sleep at night lately. You've always had to have someone sitting with you. For a while, recently, daddy would read a book by the window on the other side of the room and had you almost used to falling asleep on your own. But then your little brain caught up with that fact that you were nearly 2, and started whispering terrible suggestions, or something. I've been sitting with you the last few nights and you've been tossing and turning and tooting and sighing... I get sleepy and start to doze off before you do. Then you pop out of bed and crawl up next to me and we start the process all over again. (With the added bonus of pinwheeling over my head) Last night it took 90 minutes before you were out.

6 months

You're a sensitive boy. Elliot knows that if he yells in your face, you'll cry. This breaks my heart on so many levels. It hurts to see your mouth tremble and the tears start falling. Sometimes you yell back. And sometimes, you yell in just the right pitch and it makes Elliot cry and say you've hurt his feelings. I'll never tell you, but I'm proud of you in those moments.

1st birthday

You're also a little ham. You love to dance and sing. You love laughing. You'll make a funny sound or animal noise or say a new word, then you look around and giggle at yourself. Boy do you ever love to jump! On the trampoline at daycare. On Elliot's bed. On my bed. On the couch. Even on non-bouncy surfaces: you jump in circles all around the house.

19 months

You love to eat just about anything. The other night, you finished your dish of shepard's pie before I even got mine on the table! You ended up eating 3 servings. I love giving you peanut butter on toast and watching you eat it flat up against your face, topping first.

Elliot taught you how to blow bubbles in your milk and now you refuse to drink any without a straw. You are such a little brother. Everything he does, you have to do. Many a cry of "My turn!" and "Me too!" are heard these days.

2nd birthday

You don't like to hold hands when we're out walking, but you do pay close attention to the rule of always holding hands when crossing the street. If we hold hands too long, you yell "No hands. Self!"

You tell everyone that they have a hemangioma on their forehead and pat the invisible spot where theirs is. Sometimes, you absently squeeze yours, like a security blanket. In the last few weeks, you've started pulling on your neck as a comfort measure. It started off just at bedtime, but now you do it at random times through the day. At first we thought you might have a sore throat, but no - you just like the feeling, I guess. Please don't grow up to be into fetishes that require wearing a collar.

You call a helicopter a 'cop-cop' and a 'cop-tar'. All cats are named "Melon" or at the very least "Catttttt!!" - then you meow. You call vitamins 'puffs'. If you hear a strange noise, you proclaim "Sound!" while looking wildly around. You violently yell "MY work" or "MINEMINEMINE" if there's real or imagined sharing about to be had.

You give really tight hugs. I love you, sweet crazy boy!

You are my sunshine,

Mama

Mood swings

Maybe weaning myself of my antidepressants starting the week before my period is due wasn't such a great idea. I mean, I'm already a raving crazy PMS hormonal mess. Guess I didn't think this one through fully. But I'm almost a week in.

The strange part is that on the days I do take the AD, I'm crankier and meaner than on the days I skip it. I'm aiming for every 48 hours for the next week. Then every 72 hours for 1-2 weeks. Depending on how I feel then, I might just stop them altogether. Phew! It's only been 2 years...

(Disclaimer - Yes, I talked to my doctor first!)

I'm also thinking about asking my doctor for a copper IUD. They scare the beejebus outta me, but I am reallllllly fed up with the (extra) hormonal swings from the birth control pills I'm taking. I need to stop putting crap in my body. HA! I should also stop sugar and wheat and dairy again.... but then I'd really be a raving crazy bitch...

Slow and steady.

While I'm planning things, I should also get more sleep and cut back on coffee. They go hand in hand but are dependent on having cooperative children. Have you ever caught yourself arguing with your toddler? Bribing them with promises of TV if they would just put their head on the freaking pillow and go to sleep already at 1am. Joys!

Fresh pickins

Three cups worth of tangy sweetness. Grown in our own backyard! This is the third picking we've done this season, too. There was a small raspberry bush growing in our neighbour's yard when we bought the house 7 years ago. It hung over into our yard a bit. We feasted on a few handfuls of stolen berries for a few years. As the boys were born, our slack landscaping went even more downhill and the untended bush spread to our side of the fence and took over. It even sprung up on the other side of the yard, behind the shed.

The boys are fascinated by them. We had Felix's 2nd birthday party here this afternoon and two of the children spied them with great excitement!

Our rules are simple: an adult must be present and the berries must be washed first. Elliot is becoming very good at picking only the red berries. And making sure the hull comes off. And checking inside them for stowaway ants. Felix proudly holds the container and watches impatiently as it fills. He fishes out each berry as soon as they are dropped in and licks it, as if bestowing some wonderous gift upon them. Or testing for authenticity. But see - he knows not to eat them until they are washed! All the more reason to wash them...

Sticker shock

Hairy dream

Last night I dreamed that I looked down and my forearms were extremely hairy. And it didn't freak me out; I was just curious about it and blamed it on the synthroid I'm now taking to help my thyroid function. It was a beautiful thick coat of fine, light brown hair, very much like what Felix has on his head. I kept running my hands through it and planning to braid it or put ponytails in. Very strange! I actually had to check my arms when I woke up this morning to make sure they looked normal.

Speaking of synthroid, I'm taking a very low dose of it everyday. I return for blood work in another month. The last 3 tests came back: low, low-normal, low.... so we'll see what happens next. I'm still quite tired at mostly inappropriate times, so the dose may be too low still. My dr seemed to think that I wouldn't have to take it forever, but all of the research I've done says that's usually the case, since once someone starts taking this hormone, the thyroid simply stops producing any of it's own.

I've played around with taking it at night and in the morning. Morning seems to be the most advised, since ideally, you take it 4 hours after eating and 1 hours before eating. And there's a list of foods you should limit or avoid while taking it, but I haven't really listened to that. I found when I took it at night, around 8, when I went to bed around 10 (on the night's I actually stayed up, that is!) I would lay there and my mind would be racing around. Now that's I've switched to taking it in the morning, it seems I'm a bit more alert. Maybe.

We'll see what the results are next month. I'm not keen on taking it forever, but at the same time, feeling so exhausted and sluggish all the time really isn't good, either!

Ponies!

Felix came home from daycare with a mini-ponytail yesterday. This prompted Elliot to want one. So I gave him 3. Which he wore proudly until bedtime when he said they hurt his ears on his pillow. This morning, I was awoken by Elliot climbing on the bed, elastics in hand, demanding more ponies. Echoed by Felix when he saw Elliot's. They went back to daycare this way, my little cuties!

Jumpers

Not sure if this puts me downs as Best or Worst mom (depends on your perspective) but yes, I let the boys jump on the couch. They're going to, anyway, and I might as well give them a safe(ish) place to do it.

Tattooed Freaks

Preserving the memories

I spent a chunk of June fending off the boys with one hand while trying to upload a new blog. Rainy Day Boys went live today. Not that it's going to be a super active blog, but it's a place where I can eventually round up all the blog, diary and forum posts I've made since starting our family journey - conception through to birth and beyond. Someday, maybe I'll put all my blogs in one spot - Wordpress looks inviting, or maybe even host my very own site. More for myself and family that anything else, but who knows, someone may want to read my words. Maybe I'll even become a true "Mommyblogger" and try to make some cash from advertising. Though that sort of goes against my values. Sorta. Happy reading!